Can’t keep track of which straight guys are afraid of seeming gay and which ones are trying to seem gayer - can someone make me a list?

Dude, sometimes I’ll take a melatonin and then just stay awake for the buzz

Nothing quite like spending a warm day sitting in the park until you need to pee worse than you’ve ever needed to pee in your life 😌

Whenever I shake someone’s hand, I’m always surprised by how much softer it is than I would’ve guessed, which leads me to conclude that I must think hands are really hard and gross

Practice is so important. All the time I’ve spent drawing, painting, and crocheting has made me really good at not getting writing done.

I’m gonna be honest - I would’ve guessed keeping myself alive as an adult would have less in common with taking care of a Tamagotchi

Being nonbinary is awesome if you love doing multivariable calc every time you get the check on a date

I love when someone offers me a cigarette, cause it means they haven’t figured out my whole deal yet

The coolest thing a person can be is in love with one of my friends. More people should be in love with one of my friends.

So beautiful to see all these New Yorkers out celebrating the first hot stinky garbage smell day of the year 🌸

Running into acquaintances is so scary. Oh, so now some random guy gets to know what it looks like when I go from my regular face to my people face?

One of the most beautiful displays of human nature is when someone comes into a space for the first time and tries to make fun of someone else for being an idiot, but then everyone else is like “hey! That’s OUR idiot!”

Sometimes, a music person will use a term like “slowcore” that makes me feel stupid, and then I’ll start using that term and making other people feel stupid, and this is how we perpetuate the cycle of being unpleasant to talk to

Keeping in touch with heterosexual culture by having a fast-casual salad bowl in midtown

Tired of having friends who challenge me to be better. Time to make friends who make me think “least I’m not that guy”

New Substack is up about nudity, egg freezing, dysphoria, and the arbitrariness of examination room rules open.substack.com/pub/reviewmo...

Brooklyn: I'm doing a What's New? show on Sunday at Union Hell telling a bunch of new jokes! And I've got very funny guests Myq Kaplan, Carson Olshansky, and Hoodo Hersi who will be telling jokes too! Yes, you'll miss the first quarter of the Super Bowl. It's fine! Tickets:

Hot chocolate is the perfect sweet treat for when you wanna be reminded that nothing is ever as you remember it and innocence, once gone, is lost forever

anyway maybe the wrong time but one thing i did to procrastinate on writing last week is watch a bunch of davinci resolve tutorials to make it look like mulholland drive aired on the disney channel in 2007

Working on this new idea for a world where people are nice

My mom used to sing me “Both Sides Now” as a lullaby, so by the time I was watching Teletubbies, I was like “well this is only half the story”

It’s so important for schools to fund arts programs. Otherwise, how will kids who don’t know they’re trans yet find other kids who don’t know they’re trans yet to have weirdly charged friendships with?

If you text someone “so???” at 12:05 on new years, it means did you kiss

Crazy that we teach kids about dinosaurs immediately. Like, you like these guys? Well the passage of time is irreversible, and extinction is inevitable.

I need more 23-year-old friends. Stories are no fun when everyone in them makes mature, reasonable decisions.

Host: hey, you’re up next. What credit should I use? *5 min later* You may know this next comic from the time they wrote a letter so considerate it made their therapist tear up. Put your hands together for Carson Olshansky!