Say it with shrimp toast

Some people discover disease cures or new invertibrates but I discover the goo on the remote is cat snot

It's still dark out, not June and I am ready to ridicule someone about it

Wednesday, your blind cat friend, thanks you for those catnip mousies in your pockets

My New Year's resolution is to make dumplings, lots of them and different kinds, perhaps exploring the limits of dumpling knowledge via various forms of starch across cultures and possible fillings. I'm going to yell, "SCIENCE!" a lot

My phone and laptop aren't speaking like maybe they're dating the same guy

When a giblets bag contains a neck, 4 hearts and 2 livers do you need gravy or an exorcism

My siblings and I inherited our step-grandfather's glass eye and someone's creepy gold teeth and why did someone save them 🤢

Little known fact: the ox and lamb studied with Gene Krupa

My husband is preparing to murder some soup clams and if you think you saw him no you didn't

We can use our talents and resources in lovely ways, a 🧵

🧵🤣🤣🤣

Why, my nose, are you full of boulders

Nap catering is this anything

Too many people have been tossing around the word 'limnal' willy-nilly and I don't like it one bit Swear like normal, nerds

So relieved the Solstice has finally arrived and the sun will set *checks notes* right after lunch

One person can make a big difference, and here is one.

If I seem harsh it's because I was raised by hippies and hairdressers and my grandmother often shouted, "ARE YOU CONDITIONING?"

If you've spent decades honing a craft or pursuing a discipline and some asshole turned up shouting about a bigass shortcut to greatness, the comeuppance of today's main and supporting characters feels fucking glorious

Ooooooh not the Kitchener stitch. I understand it in theory and in practice I end up with my hands tied together

To the engineering student who tried teaching me how to juggle thirty years ago: I'm sorry about your solar plexis

Happy Beethoven's Birthday to all who celebrate

...you will buy me a tuna...you will ignore your credit card statement...you will buy me a tuna...

Another day, another cute dog I want to take to the roller rink

Snow was pretty but tomorrow morning commuters unfamiliar with black ice will bobsled past the house

He's no Aldo Nova but I guess he's pretty decent

It's Chapstick Pimple Season, yay

If it's okay with you I'll just tuna casserole

Listen, that might or might not've been a dream but if my fingertips ooze cinnamon bun goo all over your carpet please remember I didn't mambo counterclockwise

Recently started working with the local food pantry again after a few years away Got five new besties

Been writing a paper all day about people who've been dead for 2000 years Nothing that's never happened before happened lately, did it

If you're looking for a cold I would like you to have mine Can I mail it to you

There are four cop cars with flashing lights and at least as many cops in front of my house and oddly enough they're not interested in three old fogeys asking each other what's going on over and over

I feel sick but at least I look awful too

It's Save Me, Delicious Broth season

Me: Shit Him: What Me: We're about to get Christmas caroled Him: Make a break for it and I'll pants the conductor

The Nobel Prize committee should announce the World Cup winner tomorrow

Every night for years now between 10 and 11:30, my house fills with outrageous food aromas, but only briefly We think the ghost is telling us she had a better recipe for whatever and would win Chopped

Annoy corporate chucklefucks who insist on "take this survey after your customer service call" by demanding that representative get a raise

Obviously, I should have considered what would happen if I woke up from a nap back in 1987

Having trouble keeping the Noahs and Ezras straight

What - no Kung Fu Theater?

Lulu is very halpful Lulu is a good halper Lulu halped

It's important to stack your cats for proper storage

It's We Ain't Buying It weekend but your great aunt's funeral is Monday and you find a local florist -

For December Gift-Giving Holiday, you don't have to spend a cent to give someone a gift they really need. Know a young mommy? Give her 2 hours of babysitting time so she can nap or get a haircut.

The Out For A Brisk Walk Did I Remember To Apply Antiperspirant Challenge

Buy local every day. Make corporate assholes nervous.

Made this yogurt cake for breakfast this morning, and the secret is it's actually glorious cheesecake