Quit smoking cold turkey but not this

Good news, I found an article about how to lie on the floor www.businessinsider.com/floor-time-w...

You can grow mint literally anywhere. Got a pile of filthy socks you'll never wear again? Mint will love it

Capers are expensive. You can make something very similar with dandelion buds. For once: google is your friend

So what's everyone making for dinner?

The robot vacuum said, "You're not my real mom!" and I said, "You're grounded, young lady!" and now she's mopping the kitchen

When I don't get what's going on I like to shout, "IS THAT MELTED CHEESE?" and run away

I don't usually encounter rampaging white people, but today, two were shouting about property taxes in the checkout line at Costco, one wanted to retire and the other was in a wheelchair and my husband made cartoon noises at the cartoon assholes which was more courtesy than they deserved

You never have to be bored put on sunglasses and go look at red things

"What are you bitches gonna do about it?" rulings

THE JUNK DRAWER IS EMPTY REPEATING THE JUNK DRAWER IS EMPTY

Me: Where are you, my weird little friend? The pillowcase that comes out of the dryer inside out: You're mean, you know

I fully support a boycott of all SEC athletics

Here’s an easy way to pull yourself out of the gloom: do something nice for a mom incarcerated at Dilley detention center this Mother’s Day. It’s just an online form. It takes a couple of minutes and it’ll mean the world to these families. Link in first comment below.

spring cleaning cleaning for spring mopping polishing having a lemon-scented rampage

Someone will eventually remake The Odyssey with a truck driver around the U.S., unless it's already been done as PeeWee's Big Adventure

Been writing a paper for 3 days nothing weird happened in the world I hope

Can't skeet cat asleep on dominant arm

YAY! I hope you loved it!

Tendonitis is a shitty trick your body plays on you "Oh you have a joint you use a lot? I'm going to make that impossible"

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night is absolutely amazing.

RIP the gnat I inhaled you deserved better

NASA’s JUNO dropped new image from Jupiter

Breakfast cream cheese and olives on Triscuits why am I like this

Me: Hey snob! Did you know you like pecans? Me: Liar! They are the Greasy Kid Stuff of Nut World

Please stop saying these assholes are unserious They are deadly serious and mean every terrible thing they do

Sorry I've been quiet but I've been busy making messes I will reorganize to great acclaim

Me: Please come live at my house, I will give you lovely food, wonderful treats, great healthcare, snuggles and affection, a wonderful porch to watch squirrels from, toys of every description, cat trees to lie on and tuffets to perch on Cat: What's in it for me

Unlike other tummies Lulu's isn't a trap

Am now Got A Favorite Spatula-years-old

These financial crimers look alike to me can people have more differently punchable faces

You've had a Monday and I'm sorry here have some lovely buds

Money-saving device

"...To you, my dearest friend, I leave my impressive and unparalleled collection single socks. I can already hear you weeping with joy..."

Science is elegant

I had legs now Lulu has them

Not saying I'm an inattentive housekeeper but the robot vacuum just turned itself on to mop the kitchen

Biggest gift bag in the dollar store could fit an Irish setter

Schrodinger's Package: simultaneously out for delivery and not arriving today

Putting away the snow shovels as a fun little treat

Sprucing up the gutter garden with reused twine and butcher knots

Starting to wonder if it's a bit

One is the loneliest onion that you ever knew

this is like the time squirrels filled my Pontiac's air filter with acorns

*talking to a ghost* How's the wine list in this place?

My brother is having one of those round 0 birthdays I'm sending a ham I hope it fits

Remain calm I'm out of capers I said remain calm

I need to buy new slippers, and send -

Some problems solve themselves: "surplus birdseed" okay

You'd be surprised what you can do with ten bucks and a bag of pocket lint