Today is tricky for people who like to be festive. Do you bring your work crush a dozen roses, or do you put on an old hockey goalie mask and chase them with a long knife?

At MAGA’s alternate half-time show they’ll have an alternate Redfin commercial where the new Latino neighbors eat the dog.

Listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Streets of Minneapolis" I just keep hearing in my head, "four dead in Ohio." Listening to Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young's "Ohio" in the 1990's I was so thoroughly anti government, but I did not think anything similar could happen in my lifetime.

A Karen by any other name still wants to talk to the manager

The greatest Christmas gift of all is given to us by time, which every year makes it so that it isn’t Christmas anymore

I got a feeling that two presidents are about to be appearing in a whole bunch of AI videos which I do not want to see.

Has anyone asked Tim Allen if he supports Trump in the murdering of people who are suspected of drug trafficking?

World Series losers by country: USA 120 Canada 0

i'm not one to complain about umpires but,

If a World Series game goes 18 innings then the next day should be an emergency national holiday

We’ll, we know some woman is married to an asshole…

Dr. Strangelove was an extremely hilarious movie during other administrations. Under the current one it’s just terrifying.

MAGA can't be as homophobic as I thought they were if they support a man's right to tear up the White House and install a ballroom.

Thinking kinda sucks when there's no one to share your thoughts with. Hi internet.

I got sexual harassment’s rookie card!

Young people - It’s ok if you don’t know who Robert Redford was, just be extra nice to your grandmas and/or great grandmas today

Colbert will land on his feet. CBS won't.

For any right wing comic who wants to celebrate Stephen Colbert getting cancelled there will be a spot for you next to a Latino who celebrated Trump's victory.

Please stop calling ICE kidnappers. They are murderers.

On July 4th anyone who truly loves America will be mourning instead of celebrating.

12 Tears a Slave shows how injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are all less safe because CECOT exists.

Just saw some good news on Bluesky so I’m gonna close the app and try to enjoy the rest of my day

As an English speaker there are several different ways you can pronounce “Qatar” and all of them are wrong.

Trump not knowing that a photoshop was his excuse for using the Alien Enemies Act may be the lowest moment in the history of the presidency.

“The most successful 100 days in the history of our country,” said the guy with the 3 most successful marriages in the history of marriage.

SHS: Please Mr. President, can Arkansas we get federal disaster relief? Trump: Are these Arkansas people billionaires? SHS: No, of course not. Can we please get help? Trump: No, of course not.

It's so unfair to all the people who borrowed money from the mafia if students who can't pay their loans back on time don't get their kneecaps broken too.

Now that we've established that RFK, Jr. doesn't know what autism is, could somebody check to see if he knows what vaccines are?

Pete Hegseth has removed all the Charley Pride and Johnny Mathis albums from his grandparents record collection.

If congress can’t impeach, convict, and remove Trump, then there’s really no point in there being a congress.

Congress needs to stop fearing a loss in their next election and start fearing the loss of elections.

Dear Lisa Murkowski, in 1974 the president was so afraid of congress that he choose to resign rather than face them over a breaking and entering charge.

Democrats are allowed in CECOT, but only Republicans are allowed to leave.

If you want to prove that Chris Van Hollen did something wrong, the first step is to prove that Kilmar Abrego Garcia did something wrong.

The new Merrick Garland plan~ Step 1: Spend the next four years gathering evidence that Trump has committed kidnapping, and human trafficking, and sold his victims into slavery. Step 2: Put Trump on trial for having his new Tesla illegally parked.

A convicted criminal had an innocent man criminally deported. The courts demanded that the innocent man be brought back home. The criminal criminally ignored the courts, and then said "isn't it wonderful that we're keeping criminals out of country?"

Peter Navarro says tariffs are good and cites one expert, Ron Vara. I say tariffs are bad, here's 10 experts who agree with me: Rory Deming Mindy Roger Myron Dirge Dory Mering Emory Grind Ermin Gordy Gorden Rimy Morey Dring Ringo Dremy Merry Dingo

On the bright side, at least all that crushing dread I felt after November 5th wasn't for nothing.

Tariffs can only be an ugly thing. The 25th Amendment could be a beautiful thing.

Whoever had the money to pay all these protesters at all these protests must not have been invested in Tesla.

People: Tariffs are paid by consumers. Stupider people: Tariffs are paid by foreign governments. The stupidest person: Tariffs are paid by penguins.

There will be much nostalgia for the days of boycotting things when we can no longer afford anything.

If your children say anything positive about Trump, tell them it's "Liberation Day" and you're withholding 65% of their allowance.

Elon admits that he's new to politics and there will be mistakes. Like how he just forgot to buy two hundred thousand more votes in Wisconsin.

Hitler was able to admit that his hair wasn’t blonde, and that’s the only real difference left.

I've learned so much from Elon Musk and xAI. My wife was angry that I spent money on a kayak with a hole in it, but I just sold the kayak to my non-running motorcycle.

If Putin dies, who inherits Trump?

If Signalgate was an episode of The Apprentice, Trump would have fired Hegseth for being the losing project manager, then fired his entire team for using Signal, then fired himself for having such losers on his show.