Merry FOTA to all who celebrate. 🫏 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feast_o...

Onlookers murmur in admiration as I stride confidently through the Hilton lobby with my wedge pillow and fanny pack.

ME (virtuously snacking on fruit leather) PLANE SEATMATE (pulls giant baggie of kale from Cotopaxi pack) NARRATOR: Checkmate.

What in Tar’Nation?

Glad I could be present for Jesus‘s wedding.

<sharpening katana and nodding wisely> “Me and the boys will discuss teraflops tonight at the Parsec Hookah Lounge.”

I checked out the Yoga Room at San Francisco International Airport! (It was being used as a daycare for obstreperous children, no lie.)

When I look back over this year, one thing I’m proud of learning is that in the 2012 materpiece “Battleship,” the aliens’ attack projectiles are shaped like the pegs from the board game.

Skeptical Snowman Cookie is looking askance at my New Year’s resolutions list.

The greatest Christmas gift of all:

“When you said you were going to ‘wake and bake’, we assumed that meant the cinnamon rolls would be ready for Christmas breakfast. Can you at least open a window?“ “Sorry, dudes. No problemo!”

I popped into a local store today, and the proprietor (a friend) asked: “Are you one of those last-minute shoppers?“ “I prefer to think of it as ‘bonus thoughtfulness’“ I smiled, while nearly having a seizure at what a fucking liar I am.

Shocked to learn my family wants to attend a beatbox church service on Christmas Day.

Roses are red There’s an elf on the shelf,

When a colleague tries to light-heartedly engage, but you want to finish your work before the holiday.

The Pinero family's 1933 Christmas card made from a brown paper bag always delivers. americanhistory.si.edu/blog/depress...

DIY holiday gifts are an opportunity for me to flaunt my core strengths.

Senator John Randolph (1773–1883) was so baby-faced, a colleague asked if he was old enough for the job. “Ask my constituents,” he replied. (Of Henry Clay, Randolph said: “[He is] a man of splendid abilities, but utterly corrupt. He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight.”)

<holiday social> “Hi, I’m Bart. Nice to meet you.” “Hi Bart! I love your name. Is it Spanish?” “Thank you, um…“ “Maybe it’s short for ‘Barth-elona’?”

For your collective delectation this holiday season: Quite possibly the silliest thing I've ever written (and definitely the most ridiculous graph I've ever made!) loreandordure.com/2025/12/16/j...

Christmas shopping: DONE

“OK gang, who’s ready for a big bowl of Golden Spurtle?”

I state everything baldly.

All in favor of renaming them as the Trump-Epstein Files, say aye.

The White House unveils its new "Presidential Walk of Fame":

Every time I'm in a restaurant I remember Kevin McAleer's reply to a waiter who told him the Soup Of The Day. "Where there any other contenders?" "Um, no?" "A hollow victory, then".

If they’re naming new AI models after fruit, they should go with Durian (aka “stink fruit”). It has the aroma of rotting flesh and turpentine.

Would've been more on point to send checks for $1,984. bit.ly/3Y3ei6C

Busting out an umbrella today, because the storms in the Pacific Northwest have been Mordor.

“Are you religious?“ “Yeah, you could say that.“

“Blocked and reported.“ — College offensive lineman/journalism major

“My legs are so short, and my feet so very very close! Methinks the ayahuasca just hit.”

Yes, being quoted extensively after doing 11 (!) interviews with a reporter is quite an outrage.

Resting hobgoblin face.

As AI lobbyists leap to defend data centers from water usage charges, AI companies use NDAs to hide info about their projects. Ex.: Journalists endured a long legal battle to find how much water a massive Google data center used, because it was a “trade secret.” 🙄 www.oregonlive.com/silicon-fore...

“Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons!”

Because it’d be in the scenter of our face?

There’s no sign of Santa in this dumb store (which is more like a factory), and their elf is garbage.

"They say that nobody is a hero to their valet," I muse from the backseat of the Ford Focus. "Except for us — isn't that right, Nigel?" *long pause* “I'll take your silence as tacit agreement.”

This is Faith Ringgold's 1967 painting "The American People Series #18: The Flag is Bleeding." bit.ly/4qvbz23

The sudden realization that you neglected to set your lineups in the family fantasy basketball league.

Pleased to find myself lauded by words of affirmation at every turn!

Listen up, lily livers:

Some claim I don’t skydive because I’m afraid of heights, but it’s *actually* just because I’m not in the mood to free myself from the aircraft’s tail at 15,000 feet, okay?

Ah yes, image control. So important.

I'm designing a T-shirt reading "I'm not in denial, I'm in open rebellion!" on the front, and "Butlerian Jihad Now" on the back.

As an educator who writes children's books, I've seen the surprise on people's faces when they hear me curse. But hey, my Scots-Irish heritage means that I'm hard-wired for profanity.

You just know that Donny Jr. has a Trump Ditch Weed™ factory ready to go.

In 2015, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton testified for more than 11 hours of questioning in one day before a House committee on Benghazi. Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem left her hearing today ... early.

"My esteemed colleagues, based upon these findings, I have achieved Bingo. So if I may, ahem: In your face, losers!"