Oh no, I think I like Primus…

This winter I really turned into a fat fuck.

Chipotle just emailed me. They miss me. 💁🏻‍♂️

Today I learned I've been using my lap desk backwards this whole time. This is groundbreaking.

Before Hegseth sinks a warship to the bottom of the sea, does he know the environmental impacts of such a thing? Can’t be good to have something like that leaking and polluting that water…

Chris Murphy: "It won't be the billionaire children of Donald Trump and his buddies that die. It's going to be the children of middle class and poor families all across this country that are gonna die for a war of choice, a war of vanity, an illegal war."

Stoplights aren’t long enough to get food out of your drive thru bags anymore. Thanks woke.

I fucking forgot today was garbage day. 😖

We just watched The Black Phone. Better than I expected tbh. Excited to watch the second one. If we die tonight, The Grabber got us.

Those 5 minutes when laundry is caught up is so peaceful.

God I fucking love Halsey.

New phone case is sorta like a new phone.

Do you ever wonder if they will start the year count back at zero at some point?

Crazy how much longer a loaf of bread lasts in the winter.

My friends don’t fucking care about me and that’s a hard pill to swallow.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO UN-PRESS A BUTTON IN THE ELEVATOR

Taco Bell open until 2am. We are so back.

Fuck it smells like Winter out here.

Every so often I’ll tell my gf that I want a new TV just to get her blood moving.

I’m just sort of tired of existing in my body…

So who’s looking out for me?

Normalize smoking up the house manager(me) after your shows.

Horror movie about a venue manager who cleans up after events. But he’s got noise cancelling ear buds in and can’t hear all the spooky noises until it’s TOO LATE. It’s me. I’m the guy. I’m gonna die here.

So now numbers are words??

Been hitting people with the “Meat is Murder” and it’s been fun.

Yo I think I just saw Batman downtown….???

Just told the gf I like asparagus so now I’m gonna have to eat asparagus.

I’m sorry to everyone who has tried to dap me up.

Sometimes autocorrect can be so god dam insistent it fucking pisses me off. BITCH I SAID NO I DON’T WANT TO USE THAT WORD!

New AFI??

George Lopez in Blue Beetle.

Ya know, it still blows my mind that airplanes exist. It’s fucking nuts if you think about it. Truly an engineering miracle.

Not much feels better than when the gf wants to watch something, we can’t find it on streaming but it’s on my blu ray shelf 😏😎

Do you guys think there will ever be another election? 🙃

Wait… why is the VP subbing in on a podcast? I fucking hate these people man. What the fuck is even happening.

Why is everyone always going the same places I’m going.

Is anyone asking why Chump uploaded an AI video of himself last night…?

It’s Vikings game day baby!! #SKOL

What even is a buffalo bill?

Pissed at Tires Plus. I genuinely don’t think they care about complaints or a 1 star google review but fuck that place.

Haven’t smoke weed in a few days and the anxiety is back babyyyy. I also just completely hate myself again.

University Taco Bell is goated.

A good-a steering wheel that doesn’t WHIFF out of window while I driving.

That feeling when you first introduce your MacBook to your iPhone DIRECTLY. 😏

*gets in shower with glasses on*

Hey siri, should I be microwaving during a thunder storm?

I wanna be a cowboy babyyyyy

My dog sees laundry on the bed and thinks he just jump on up here for a nap.

#FantasticFour currently seated! 👀