“It’s crazy to think that I’ll put a stranger’s genitals in my mouth but I refuse to drink tap water” - oomf

“As long as you aren’t begging, bumming, or borrowing, or selling that pussy you’re gonna be okay” -man on Marta

I’m not just saying this, but my great grandma was DEFINITELY a dyke.

My CPA just texted me “lol why are you hiding from me??”

FaceTiming my dog in the other room while I shower because I’m obsessed with her.

1-2 kids: liberal 3 + kids: conservative

Ever since my grandma had a stroke, she has tapped into a crazy version of dark humor and I’m here for it.

I have a confession about my sexuality.

The older I get, the more I realize that Sleeping Beauty was actually just on her period.

A pepperoncini a day keeps the doctor away!

Did we ever find Kony?

I need a chord cutting ceremony with Zillow.

lol know your angles.

Had a dream my mom was a dominatrix and Christianity was all an act for her business model!!!!

Stoned at the k spa are we surprised????

I would be nothing without my Sonos system.

Stephen is like rain man but with currency exchange.

I’ll never forget Meredith Blake from parent trap kissed me on the cheek at ATL pride 😭

Anytime I see a long line at Costco gas during work hours I yell “does anyone work anymore????” as if I too am not out and about in the middle of the day.

Testing out my inflatable couch for Utahhhh

I just want to marry my dog.

Love belting “Shallow” randomly while I’m home alone.

My deeply enlightened savasana realization this morning: I’m so fucking over Beyoncé.

I love that my parents hate that I’m the lost liberal secular one in the family but still make me do all the hard family logistics because I’m the most “level headed”. 🤔

People love saying “heat rises” any chance they get.

Today is a 3 body showers kinda day.

Even now my sole job is legitimately telling these rich ass parents to stop funding their children. Affluence is a helluva drug!!!!

After my 12 hour day Steve had the audacity to ask if I wanted to join the virtual family prayer call tonight, to which I replied “um, I think I’ve had enough mental illness today.” PASS

Just realized I’ve only ridden public transportation ONCE since February which is when I got my new Lexus 😭😭 I am the problem!!

Went to the prominent ATL throuple’s house for another party and they hired 2 tattoo artists. 🤣

ATL Nail salon culture is fascinating

Still utilizing my manservant!

An unchecked bpd girlie hates to see me coming.

I forget skunks are a local wildlife option.

I have a miniature wood shop!

During your luteal phase a manservant is essential.

Just overdosed on red light therapy.

My coworker talks about shrooms soooooo much that it makes me feel bad for how insufferable I probably was in 2020.

Which shoe size do you give for your bowling shoe rental, European or US sizing?

Happy Pride ya’ll from St. Pete!

Sometimes being bi just makes you sound desperate af

Waxed and ready for Pride 😈

A 80 year old woman in an airbrush tee just screamed at me and flipped me off a bunch of times in the T.J. Maxx parking lot. I couldn’t engage because I was on a work call :/

I would die if I had to live in Boca Raton.

My top 3 gen z terms right now are: chopped, locked in, and cooked.

I’m obsessed with gen z’s new term “chopped”.

If I were a gay man would I be a top, bottom, or verse?

Costco sells my dream float!!!

She’s too perfect guys 😭😭

The only poly I’m interested in is polysubstance.