"I do one thing: turn big juicy asses into big juicy card draw and damage. That doesn’t work when every defender from Dominaria to Duskmourn is suddenly a 2/1. This Ozempic crap has single-handedly ruined my whole schtick.”

The receptionist walked us briefly down a nearby hall to a door with a paper sign taped to it that read “Secret Dandan [sic] Meeting – DO NOT DISTRUB [sic].”

Yelling at Okada through my television that Blazers Pippen was better than Wizards Jordan. #AEW 🤼

Following the absolutely stellar debut of GiGi Wellplayed on the Spell Slayers last month, the staff at The Herald has worked tirelessly, day and night and afternoon, to try and come up with a drag name as good as that.

“It may seem strange for a mission like this to have me up here, but gaming is important work; I’ve been helping the other crew members keep their minds sharp,” explained Nash in a video call while dealing with a bag which had come opened and began spilling dice slowly in every direction.

If you're wondering why I have a particular twinge of malice in this one, I would like to point to the "I do something with business software for a living" part of my profile. My latest from Commander's Herald is out now: commandersherald.com/oracle-chair...

BREAKING - Eggs Happy Easter, everyone. From all of us at Commander's Herald, thanks for surviving with us. Hope the laughter helps. commandersherald.com/dozens-injur...

“We just think it’s really funny to upset people whose literal livelihoods depend on our game and therefore have nothing but financial incentive to promote it, even though we don’t have to pay them ourselves.”

Remember kiddos, it's only right to create crossovers of your favorite properties as long as everyone is contractually involved. My latest from Commander's Herald: commandersherald.com/square-enix-...

Remember kiddos, it's only right to create crossovers of your favorite properties as long as everyone is contractually involved. My latest from Commander's Herald: commandersherald.com/square-enix-...

Well now this is fucking awkward... commandersherald.com/commanders-h...

Also, just gonna drop this here before it get buried by Strixhaven previews. I did some hard-hitting journalism* for Commander's Herald, and what I learned will shock* you: commandersherald.com/rumor-confir...

“Townies live off the refuse of our esteemed institution. That’s why I don’t tip or make eye contact when they’re serving me drinks. I’m already the reason they have a purpose; they should be thanking me, not looking for handouts or special treatment.”

Airline Seats. ALWAYS the Airline Seats.

Maybe not the most charming selfie, but impressed I got a shot where both cats looked toward the camera.

They are admittedly upset to learn that rather than listening in on non-game conversations that may give advertisers clues about how to target their marketing, the conversations they record are almost exclusively related to the game itself.

“It was around hour 6 when I revealed the counter magic in my hand to stop a win attempt, and the other three did too. We agreed to a turn cycle without casting spells. After that, the screen turned red briefly, and we heard a low hum, but nothing more than that."

I'm sure it's just an overreaction. Wizards would never kill of a format. Just look at Legacy over -- uh Legacy, you doing alright bro? My latest from Commander's Herald: commandersherald.com/following-da...

Chainsaw Man ended? Good, it was really mean of them to upload that mentally disabled man into Cyberspace.

" AHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHH."

Ballistic: Epicks vs Server

Hello Mx. Mana -- can I call you Max? -- nice to meet you. I just have a few questions about Promissory Estoppel and its effect on Magic's reprint policies.

"I realized that I had forgotten to put on pants that morning and that everyone was laughing at me, even that cute Boros player that I have a crush on. Also my teeth fell out for some reason. Definitely somewhere in the top 10 of my worst experiences playing Magic.”

“Unfortunately, in each of those cases, I did not have any open mana,” said Schumer, laying his elbow on the table to cover up his two untapped Islands, which had been gathering dust.

"He chose not to attack a Miriam Vehicles deck once because he ‘once saw a homeless guy pee on that Subway Train’. A Ziatora player got attacked into because ‘Unions are robbing our economy blind’."

Took me a bit to get all the jokes to coalesce, but I'm rather proud of this one. My latest from Commander's Herald:

"Obviously, I want to keep my job and to keep earning a paycheck, but I would also like Rowling to lose her mold-infested home, so I’m at a bit of an impasse here.”

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Enjoy this stupid article. Sláinte ☘️🇮🇪🍻 commandersherald.com/vengeful-st-...

Many Magic: The Gathering players are saying that they will take out these loans to get free cards regardless of where the expensive cards go.

In the current culture of grift and corruption, it's probably a good thing Steve Jobs wasn't around to see it after dying early from Ligma.

Read this now. Read it again when you hate everything. Read it a third time when you hate yourself.

To all my friends at Shoebox this weekend, have fun and be safe. It sounds fun, and I might try and go next year. To all my enemies at Shoebox, I have neither forgotten nor forgiven you for what you have done. May your suffering worsen with each passing day. Also, I might try and go next year.

“When you put down a Forest, you will be asked the question: ‘Who is living in that Forest?’ ‘Are they in safe living conditions?’ ‘Are you charging them fair prices, or are you unfairly squeezing mana out of the many elves and dinosaurs that live there?'”

“He’s been living in my garage since shortly after we shipped Dominaria in 2018, and he’s nothing like how we portray him in Magic’s story.”

“What they’re hoping to do is have a less fortunate venture capitalist with more limited finances take the company. Give the little guy a chance to toy with the careers of a few hundred live humans."

My headline brought to life and by the very funny and talented @wildernewyear.bsky.social, who you should go follow if you don't already! These writers are so good, yo. commandersherald.com/report-ebay-...

“It’s the damnedest thing when you have to do the support’s jobs yourself, and you lose anyway!”

Since we're a generation removed from the last major illegal war in the middle east, might as well remind the kiddos of this amazingly memeable anti-war song by Hungarian rapper Speak. youtu.be/Eqk4pWnVN5w?...

Newton doesn't care about Daylight Savings or how late I was up last night. The morning cuddles must go on!

Realizing that, with the Star Trek set coming later this year, I can finally make a Rule 0 Partner deck with my Commanders Scottie & Pippin.

If you like magic and laughing, check out this starter pack! go.bsky.app/63XWAC5 reposts appreciated

“Because we, like all lawmakers, have absolutely no interest or incentive to work for the benefits of our constituents, we’ve got a lot of free time. We decided to use that to, for some reason, get really invested in the Magic meta in our county jails!”

“We’re committed to respecting the legacy of Warner Bros. by upholding the values that created the legendary company. We at Paramount firmly believe in protecting those century-old morals. The exact values that created classic movies like The Jazz Singer.“

Your regular reminder Ghost Rider Johnny Blaze is canonically from Waukegan, IL. All those monologues about being the Spirit of Vengeance and dragging people to hell should be done with the thickest Chicago-Midwestern accent applied. Thank you for your time.

This historic move marks the first known time a Commander player’s complaint about being targeted is actually valid

"If your blood doesn’t run hot, I will make it run in the sands! Execution awaits the dissenter. Diplomacy has solved nothing. Only bloodspill can end this now. Call forth the warbringer!”

The unspoken Midwestern joy of answering a stranger's question of "what's that siren?" with "Oh, it's Tuesday."

I have it written on my apron.

“I’ve been playing this game since 1997, and the rules are the rules. You get to play what’s in your kit, and only what’s in your kit. It’s not my fault the kit was more stacked than my ex-wife.”

Oh fuck is that a typo? Whatever, ship it - it's funnier that way,,,, Commander's Herald Writers Starter Pack go.bsky.app/63XWAC5