“Look, the guy’s a pathetic dweeb, absolute dithering wimp, an S-tier sycophant with no real beliefs except what Peter Thiel uploads to his Neuralink. But I don’t want to be the one to push him over the edge, you know?"

"Professionalism and hard work can only get you so far in the modern league. You need analytics to back it up, and our team has shown promise in taking early mana ramp could lead to early advantages and quicker wins. That’s why we are taking our time and giving Sol Ring a thorough review.”

“It is going to be such a privilege to be working with Mr. Bolas–he truly is a master at performing vicious and horrible acts of cruelty that benefit nothing and no one, so he and I get along quite well,” said Stephen Miller.

"I was just, like, totally gone. I reached over to grab some buds to grind, but I wasn’t really paying attention, and I… kinda grabbed the wrong bud.” Putting his head in his hands, Waters lamented, “Maaaaan, what a bummer, I really liked that card.”

Konami apparently had plans to release a life-sized plastic replica of the heart for $300 USD, to be packaged with a random assortment of card packs valued to be around $9.50 usd. Whether it conveyed magical powers was left vague in the fax.

I’m going to examine every single card you play looking at the artist credits, and if I see the name of a generative AI site, I’m going to make it everybody in this fucking store’s problem.

"It’s fucking unreal. I know she wasn’t stacking or anything, like, she wasn’t doing any sleight of hand or whatever. The card she needed was just always right there. I don’t even think I saw her mulligan a single game!”

The deck, filled with joke and banned cards, was created by Gilbert likely to either elicit a negative reaction from the people playing against it, or find camaraderie with others who would play a similar deck.

"I do one thing: turn big juicy asses into big juicy card draw and damage. That doesn’t work when every defender from Dominaria to Duskmourn is suddenly a 2/1. This Ozempic crap has single-handedly ruined my whole schtick.”

The receptionist walked us briefly down a nearby hall to a door with a paper sign taped to it that read “Secret Dandan [sic] Meeting – DO NOT DISTRUB [sic].”

Following the absolutely stellar debut of GiGi Wellplayed on the Spell Slayers last month, the staff at The Herald has worked tirelessly, day and night and afternoon, to try and come up with a drag name as good as that.

“It may seem strange for a mission like this to have me up here, but gaming is important work; I’ve been helping the other crew members keep their minds sharp,” explained Nash in a video call while dealing with a bag which had come opened and began spilling dice slowly in every direction.

“We can’t let Sam Altman have a better board state than us, our investors watching the game play out would start to think we’re losing. And if they think we’re losers, they won’t watch my television networks or use my software."

Guests trampled over each other to find the most eggs and prove they deserved the coveted prize of card draw. Happy Easter!

“We just think it’s really funny to upset people whose literal livelihoods depend on our game and therefore have nothing but financial incentive to promote it, even though we don’t have to pay them ourselves.”

“We were initially concerned that Generative AI could be used to create similar crossovers, even with characters outside our control. Luckily we saw the product Sora was putting out, and knew it was only a matter of time.”

The Internet being forever will never not be funny 🙃🤌 How it started. Vs. How it's going

To celebrate April Fool's Day this year, we at Commander's Herald decided to walk you through an article that we would write, going step-by-step through the satirical process.

"I wanted to get involved, and when I later learned about that whole One Ring thing, the inspiration to do this struck me like Viggo Mortensen striking that helmet with his foot. My agent tried to shirtlessly fight me at Waffle House about it, but I eventually won him over, and here we are.”

“Townies live off the refuse of our esteemed institution. That’s why I don’t tip or make eye contact when they’re serving me drinks. I’m already the reason they have a purpose; they should be thanking me, not looking for handouts or special treatment.”

They are admittedly upset to learn that rather than listening in on non-game conversations that may give advertisers clues about how to target their marketing, the conversations they record are almost exclusively related to the game itself.

“It was around hour 6 when I revealed the counter magic in my hand to stop a win attempt, and the other three did too. We agreed to a turn cycle without casting spells. After that, the screen turned red briefly, and we heard a low hum, but nothing more than that."

“Pioneer is a format with a lot of deep history to it. It had a ton of buzz surrounding it before the Pandemic… It even got a showcase at a side event at MagicCon Chicago back in 2024.”

" AHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHH."

"I realized that I had forgotten to put on pants that morning and that everyone was laughing at me, even that cute Boros player that I have a crush on. Also my teeth fell out for some reason. Definitely somewhere in the top 10 of my worst experiences playing Magic.”

“Unfortunately, in each of those cases, I did not have any open mana,” said Schumer, laying his elbow on the table to cover up his two untapped Islands, which had been gathering dust.

"He chose not to attack a Miriam Vehicles deck once because he ‘once saw a homeless guy pee on that Subway Train’. A Ziatora player got attacked into because ‘Unions are robbing our economy blind’."

"Obviously, I want to keep my job and to keep earning a paycheck, but I would also like Rowling to lose her mold-infested home, so I’m at a bit of an impasse here.”

St. Patrick’s Day festivities at Murphy’s Game Corner took an unexpected turn for players this year, as they were treated to the sudden arrival of the patron Saint of Ireland.

Many Magic: The Gathering players are saying that they will take out these loans to get free cards regardless of where the expensive cards go.

Read this now. Read it again when you hate everything. Read it a third time when you hate yourself.

“When you put down a Forest, you will be asked the question: ‘Who is living in that Forest?’ ‘Are they in safe living conditions?’ ‘Are you charging them fair prices, or are you unfairly squeezing mana out of the many elves and dinosaurs that live there?'”

“Which way is Iran?” “Woman! Tell me if Iran is to the left of here or if it’s south!” the commander-in-chief yelled at a morning commuter

“He’s been living in my garage since shortly after we shipped Dominaria in 2018, and he’s nothing like how we portray him in Magic’s story.”

REPORTING LIVE FROM THE ICE PROTESTS OF INNISTRAD by @parker.luckypaper.co is now LIVE! In the absence of public truth and solidarity, conspiracy blooms, fueling authoritarianism. www.cascadecascade.com/reporting-li...

“What they’re hoping to do is have a less fortunate venture capitalist with more limited finances take the company. Give the little guy a chance to toy with the careers of a few hundred live humans."

“It’s the damnedest thing when you have to do the support’s jobs yourself, and you lose anyway!”

He was quoted as saying "this is the best pizza product you could hope to get your hands on this Spring season", almost like how a normal human would sound.

“Because we, like all lawmakers, have absolutely no interest or incentive to work for the benefits of our constituents, we’ve got a lot of free time. We decided to use that to, for some reason, get really invested in the Magic meta in our county jails!”

“We’re committed to respecting the legacy of Warner Bros. by upholding the values that created the legendary company. We at Paramount firmly believe in protecting those century-old morals. The exact values that created classic movies like The Jazz Singer.“

This historic move marks the first known time a Commander player’s complaint about being targeted is actually valid

"If your blood doesn’t run hot, I will make it run in the sands! Execution awaits the dissenter. Diplomacy has solved nothing. Only bloodspill can end this now. Call forth the warbringer!”

“I’ve been playing this game since 1997, and the rules are the rules. You get to play what’s in your kit, and only what’s in your kit. It’s not my fault the kit was more stacked than my ex-wife.”

Oh fuck is that a typo? Whatever, ship it - it's funnier that way,,,, Commander's Herald Writers Starter Pack go.bsky.app/63XWAC5

The only news you need just got more news per square inch! Check out our new news ticker!

“I don’t mean to bother you honey, but do you remember those Pokemon cards you bought as a kid?” began a hand-written letter a staff member received along with a print-out of a YouTube screenshot.

“For Edge of Eternities, they made it hard to breathe. For Spider-Man, they became poor. Now there are rats crawling around with moldy pizza, the tables are all inexplicably sticky, and the terrible folding chairs feel like they came straight from a dumpster!"

“We’ve done a lot of wild and wacky Universes Beyond sets lately, and we’re really excited to explore a world as old and varied as the ones found in Magic: The Gathering.”

“We want to make sure those who invested in our game — and our company! — to get the most out of their investment. That, and we want to ensure our prized ‘Sold Out’ product stays ‘Sold Out'”

Hey Chat, how much of a person needs to be horse for it to count as a centaur? What Percentaur, if you will?