“It’s the damnedest thing when you have to do the support’s jobs yourself, and you lose anyway!”

He was quoted as saying "this is the best pizza product you could hope to get your hands on this Spring season", almost like how a normal human would sound.

“Because we, like all lawmakers, have absolutely no interest or incentive to work for the benefits of our constituents, we’ve got a lot of free time. We decided to use that to, for some reason, get really invested in the Magic meta in our county jails!”

“We’re committed to respecting the legacy of Warner Bros. by upholding the values that created the legendary company. We at Paramount firmly believe in protecting those century-old morals. The exact values that created classic movies like The Jazz Singer.“

This historic move marks the first known time a Commander player’s complaint about being targeted is actually valid

"If your blood doesn’t run hot, I will make it run in the sands! Execution awaits the dissenter. Diplomacy has solved nothing. Only bloodspill can end this now. Call forth the warbringer!”

“I’ve been playing this game since 1997, and the rules are the rules. You get to play what’s in your kit, and only what’s in your kit. It’s not my fault the kit was more stacked than my ex-wife.”

Oh fuck is that a typo? Whatever, ship it - it's funnier that way,,,, Commander's Herald Writers Starter Pack go.bsky.app/63XWAC5

The only news you need just got more news per square inch! Check out our new news ticker!

“I don’t mean to bother you honey, but do you remember those Pokemon cards you bought as a kid?” began a hand-written letter a staff member received along with a print-out of a YouTube screenshot.

“For Edge of Eternities, they made it hard to breathe. For Spider-Man, they became poor. Now there are rats crawling around with moldy pizza, the tables are all inexplicably sticky, and the terrible folding chairs feel like they came straight from a dumpster!"

“We’ve done a lot of wild and wacky Universes Beyond sets lately, and we’re really excited to explore a world as old and varied as the ones found in Magic: The Gathering.”

“We want to make sure those who invested in our game — and our company! — to get the most out of their investment. That, and we want to ensure our prized ‘Sold Out’ product stays ‘Sold Out'”

Hey Chat, how much of a person needs to be horse for it to count as a centaur? What Percentaur, if you will?

"We got Mac, Natalie Portman and Kristen Stewart as headmasters and -mistresses in the different schools, but Daniel Radcliffe refused. He said, ‘I don’t want anything to do with that wizard school shit anymore. Don’t call me back,’ so we got Mara Wilson instead.”

commandersherald.com/the-world-is... Pop culture and cute animals aren’t enough to keep us from walking into the rising oceans anymore, so we’re combining the two.

“I’ve never felt more welcome at my LGS, and I’ve developed quite a taste for confetti foils too! I love my Ygra deck, and this really lets me lean into the theme. I really hate the triple-sleevers though, their cards take forever to tear into, but it really does lock the freshness in!”

Also true for Universes Beyond

Spoiled earlier this week (and I do mean spoiled because something about it STINKS) was a new copy of Trouble in Pairs. After my initial excitement wore off, I couldn’t help but notice something odd about the new art.

"This was a great chance for me to get my finances in order, get a message to Wizards, and get back in the will.”

This single card is enough to bring back an entire generation of gamer trauma

It is unclear what provoked the use of the Blasphemous Act in the first place, but one source tells us it “set off panic bells” as it was “something here from somewhere else".

“This list looks so aggro!” One Instagram follower commented. “I’m taking this to my next monthly!”

Now, unless you’re cozying up under a fluffy blanket with Ms. Bumbleflower every night, we’re not talking about that kind of cuffing.

Melissa Baker & Charlene Lawyerer, two members of the pod with different backgrounds (Baker with Master Chef and Lawyerer with $40k in student loan debt) first grazed each other’s fingertips above the oddly progressive anime titty playmat.

Magic's version of Heated Rivalry would be so awesome...

“While we have advertised Sparky as being the best training partner for new and lapsed Magic players on Arena, we have not been so clear about whether or not Sparky was an actual person."

"He had brought an entire box that were professionally printed with blue cores and just started handing them out to all of the players while someone with a phone and a ring light followed him around."

"I’m just trying to save me and another person having to skate for nothing, when we can both have half of a medal that President Trump will call us and demand we hand over to him.”

Elk me, daddy.

Women's Figure Skating Team Celebrates Lutri Unbanning photo courtesy of @joethedumber.bsky.social

What the board looks like when facing Slimefoot, the Stowaway

What Commander do you think Amber Glenn runs?

If her Commander decks don't exclusively use Snow-Covered basics I'll be immensely disappointed

Happy Super Bowl Sunday to those who celebrate

ReedPop announced earlier this week that they would be creating a separate event “catering to a more Patriotic crowd that don’t feel as welcome as they should at other events.”

“Magic players always struggle with two things, basic social etiquette and layers. So this was a tinderbox for conflict."

No Kings Except Brago and Brody

"The gaming community may not be aware, but formats can contract diseases just like people. For example, it’s no secret that Modern has struggled with chronic chlamydia after getting repeatedly fucked by the Horizons sets.”

Fishbowl is back and it’s more crowded than ever. A couple extra rows of tables have been crammed into the Al Bahr Shriners Convention Center and the whiffs of crusted sweat and crushed dreams of hygiene I may in fact have to tap out for olfactory reasons. It’s Fishbowl 6.

Keep an eye out for Secret Lair: Day of Black Sun, where they'll slap this art on Command Tower, too.

“Our ideal recruit is a moron nobody likes with an inferiority complex who recklessly escalates every situation they’re in. Tell me you haven’t seen at least one of those at your LGS.”

“I get ‘Titanic’ and ‘Gatsby’, and ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ is universally beloved, but people didn’t pay $30 for ‘The Beach’ in 2000 and I doubt they’re going to do so now.”

“Game one went well. My opponent could barely even get to three lands before my Spinerock Tyrant obliterated him. But out of the store’s front window, I could see the sun setting. That’s when everything changed.”

"I swear to God if those bastards at IDW are trying to pull some Penders bullshit, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind! I knew letting Lanolin the Sheep fly was a mistake! I want Ian Flynn’s head on a pike NOW!”

“He just kept tossing the packs that didn’t have a foil and saying he was ‘increasing his chain’. No one could get in or out until he pulled one after 40 attempts. The shop still smells like curry from his foil hunting experiments last weekend.”

Yes, my dear reader, sometimes being terrifyingly competitive is just another form of… sexual frustration. I know, I know, there’s 1,001 jokes around “haha Magic players don’t get sex hahaha”, but I’m not above playing with the low hanging fruit, so just stick with me a bit.

“They showed up speaking in the strangest manner and demanded I give them all my milk and cheese so they could make some sort of pie I’d never heard of.”