“Hi, I’m Joan, and I’m playing Vanille and Fang from Final Fantasy XIII. Clearly they are gay, the game basically confirms it, and WOTC are cowards for not giving them Partner in the first place. I’m probably a bracket 2? I don’t know that system super well, but it’s about a power level 7.”

"Broadly speaking, this is what evil clerics such as my character, Bleak Badpriest, would do if given a powerful, destructive weapon such as the popular Sphere of Annihilation or hundreds of Minuteman III Missiles.”

"Hello. I am Richard Garfield, legendary game designer behind Magic: the Gathering and King of Tokyo. Please be mindful of token limits in your account when asking questions."

We all drew straws to see who’d have to write this boringly obvious piece and I ended up being the unlucky gal, so let’s just get this stupid thing over with, yeah?

In the video, two gamers are playing a game of Magic with cards hard to discern due to the issues inherent in generative AI video. However, one card does become visible at the :34 second mark, played by a competitor with a coquetish grin that quickly melts into his chin for a few frames.

“Y’see, when our employees first came to us with this union business, we thought it was a phase. Like all children, our employees would of course be rowdy and unruly at times, but deep down we knew we were all a family and it would all blow over.”

We can all dream of a better world. Won't do you much good, but you can.

Onlookers say Kruell then did a running frontflip into Bennington, sending any remaining cards and MTG accessories on the table at the time flying and causing the wrestling crowd to break into a roar of cheers. “A few even said that they were ‘the table’ for some reason."

We don’t get to decide the outcome. All we get to do is decide how to react. The moment we accept that, dear reader, the game becomes a lot more fun.

“Look, union dues are a lot.” said Cocks while wiping his ass with 2-ply $100 bills. “Imagine spending some of a resource now to ensure you get a lot more later. What kind of self respecting Magic player does that?”

“We don’t care! Stop thinking so much! Stop engaging with our products as the result of artistic design and craft! We make products, okay? Not art. Products! Stop looking at and talking about our ‘art’ and just buy our fucking products!”

With all the recent controversy about alleged art theft and if beloved octogenarians should continue to make art for Magic, I got to thinking: Why don’t we have a scale for how cancelled people are?

“All the breakup clichés came through. ‘It’s not you, it’s me.‘ ‘I just need space to find myself again,’ and ‘I hate your moles. They’re so weird. Why do they smell like licorice? Moles shouldn’t smell like licorice, Richard! Go to a doctor!!’ Cliché stuff like that.”

“We noticed a roughly one week dead zone in between Reality Fracture’s October release and Star Trek’s November release where we won’t be making as much money, so we’re proud to announce that we’ll be releasing ‘Innistrad Re-remastered'."

This question prompted Commander’s Herald to begin unraveling Scruggs’ dilemma the only way we know how: by being really fucking nosy.

“Musk always came in saying that he had this super cool Mechanized Production deck, and all the other CEOs for some reason agreed that that idea had merit. But the deck never actually worked."

At press time, it was estimated that the resources to run the Momir Vig Memorial Data Center would cause the ecological collapse of the entire state, but at least a billionaire will get to have a good time for a little bit.

“Why don’t you take those 3 copies of Mogg Fanatic over there and go make one of those gameplay puzzles you love so much?”

Pressed for the specifics on how a baseball team would even begin to convert itself to competitive Magic, Cohen had this to say, “Easy. Our $330 million payroll was enough to cover almost all of a meta deck."

Like, sure. I get it. When you were young, your parents let you watch Alien and Hellraiser for some reason, and it permanently warped your perception of what an attractive person looks like. And yeah, you have body dysmorphia. We all do. That’s why we play Magic.

At one point a group of hags busted through the door, but before anyone could unsheathe their weapons, the interlopers realized they were early for knitting club and politely bowed out.

“It’s getting harder and harder these days to find Felix on things. He used to be the talk of the town, but now everything is Disney or whatever that Pockymocky thing the kids are about these days. It’s good that today’s youngins remember their elders.”

We’re trying something a little different today. Recently someone described one of my articles as, “A low effort handjob.” First of all, I need to say thank you. If my writing is making men uncomfortable and making them squirm a little bit then that means something is working.

Every card will now prominently feature Stan Lee’s name printed directly on top of the artist’s credit. A Disney executive has assured fans that this credit doesn’t mean any of the profits will go to Lee’s family.

He’s thus far given us incredible takes like “what if the five Strixhaven colleges were the other five color pairs, had stupid concepts, and belonged to a different, less well-named university?” and “what if Chandra Nalaar was a fucking cop?”

“Hell, you’ve probably heard of Duskmourn, right? Plane filled with a demon-infested house that likes to make dangerous rooms? Even they don’t technically have any ballrooms, because of what happened the last time someone unlocked one."

“Union is such a combative, nasty word. My son hates me, but he still takes my allowance money every week. That’s the sort of long term devotion we want from our wage slaves and code monkeys."

“You can see here that this file was last edited about 3 days ago using some manner of Adobe product. Also, Jace’s name has been misspelled as Juice. That might not mean anything, but I wouldn’t write it off, either."

“Just a couple decades ago, you could find all sorts of landscapes across the area. Forests, Plains, Swamps, all free and plentiful for anyone to use.”

“For those that have already received a card but do not wish to return it, all we ask is you use an official Unfinity sticker to cover the bottom of the bat so no one has to see it. I would suggest using the sticker of Garruk’s ax or the plushie Garruk, since they work so well with him!"

“Look, the guy’s a pathetic dweeb, absolute dithering wimp, an S-tier sycophant with no real beliefs except what Peter Thiel uploads to his Neuralink. But I don’t want to be the one to push him over the edge, you know?"

"Professionalism and hard work can only get you so far in the modern league. You need analytics to back it up, and our team has shown promise in taking early mana ramp could lead to early advantages and quicker wins. That’s why we are taking our time and giving Sol Ring a thorough review.”

“It is going to be such a privilege to be working with Mr. Bolas–he truly is a master at performing vicious and horrible acts of cruelty that benefit nothing and no one, so he and I get along quite well,” said Stephen Miller.

"I was just, like, totally gone. I reached over to grab some buds to grind, but I wasn’t really paying attention, and I… kinda grabbed the wrong bud.” Putting his head in his hands, Waters lamented, “Maaaaan, what a bummer, I really liked that card.”

Konami apparently had plans to release a life-sized plastic replica of the heart for $300 USD, to be packaged with a random assortment of card packs valued to be around $9.50 usd. Whether it conveyed magical powers was left vague in the fax.

I’m going to examine every single card you play looking at the artist credits, and if I see the name of a generative AI site, I’m going to make it everybody in this fucking store’s problem.

"It’s fucking unreal. I know she wasn’t stacking or anything, like, she wasn’t doing any sleight of hand or whatever. The card she needed was just always right there. I don’t even think I saw her mulligan a single game!”

The deck, filled with joke and banned cards, was created by Gilbert likely to either elicit a negative reaction from the people playing against it, or find camaraderie with others who would play a similar deck.

"I do one thing: turn big juicy asses into big juicy card draw and damage. That doesn’t work when every defender from Dominaria to Duskmourn is suddenly a 2/1. This Ozempic crap has single-handedly ruined my whole schtick.”

The receptionist walked us briefly down a nearby hall to a door with a paper sign taped to it that read “Secret Dandan [sic] Meeting – DO NOT DISTRUB [sic].”

Following the absolutely stellar debut of GiGi Wellplayed on the Spell Slayers last month, the staff at The Herald has worked tirelessly, day and night and afternoon, to try and come up with a drag name as good as that.

“It may seem strange for a mission like this to have me up here, but gaming is important work; I’ve been helping the other crew members keep their minds sharp,” explained Nash in a video call while dealing with a bag which had come opened and began spilling dice slowly in every direction.

“We can’t let Sam Altman have a better board state than us, our investors watching the game play out would start to think we’re losing. And if they think we’re losers, they won’t watch my television networks or use my software."

Guests trampled over each other to find the most eggs and prove they deserved the coveted prize of card draw. Happy Easter!

“We just think it’s really funny to upset people whose literal livelihoods depend on our game and therefore have nothing but financial incentive to promote it, even though we don’t have to pay them ourselves.”

“We were initially concerned that Generative AI could be used to create similar crossovers, even with characters outside our control. Luckily we saw the product Sora was putting out, and knew it was only a matter of time.”

The Internet being forever will never not be funny 🙃🤌 How it started. Vs. How it's going

To celebrate April Fool's Day this year, we at Commander's Herald decided to walk you through an article that we would write, going step-by-step through the satirical process.

"I wanted to get involved, and when I later learned about that whole One Ring thing, the inspiration to do this struck me like Viggo Mortensen striking that helmet with his foot. My agent tried to shirtlessly fight me at Waffle House about it, but I eventually won him over, and here we are.”

“Townies live off the refuse of our esteemed institution. That’s why I don’t tip or make eye contact when they’re serving me drinks. I’m already the reason they have a purpose; they should be thanking me, not looking for handouts or special treatment.”