A well executed theft without any fingerprints is a stainless steal.

A man walks into a library and asks where the books on paranoia are. The librarian replies, “Look over your shoulder.”

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.

I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the nobell prize.

Why did the crab cross the road? It didn’t, it used the sidewalk.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycombs

What kind of music do balloons like? Pop

I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

What does a nosy pepper do? It gets jalapeño business

Why did the banana visit the doctor? She wasn’t peeling well.

Why was the little strawberry crying. Because he was in a jam.

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

Some people think my dad jokes are childish, which is ridiculous. They are obviously full groan.

What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.

Be careful not to buy too many art supplies. You could have an excess stencil crisis.

Why aren’t Koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the Koalifications.

Where does a lizard go after it drops its tail? To the retail store.

Why do ducks have feathers on their tails? To cover their butt quacks

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA

A summer reading insert tucked into a special section of The Chicago Sun-Times and The Philadelphia Inquirer recommended made-up titles by real authors such as Isabel Allende and Delia Owens. The Sun-Times and The Philadelphia Inquirer have apologized.

What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I'll go on ahead!

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

It’s hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.

What does the expression “a loose dog won't surf” mean? Absolutely nothing. But if you type that into Google, AI Overviews will not only confirm that your gibberish is a real saying, it will also tell you what it means and how it was derived. Oh AI...

What was the most popular vegetable on the Titanic? Leaks

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space

This is so utterly cool! What a great way to reduce consumption and waste.

Who is the Patron Saint of copying people on emails? St Francis of a CC.

No way!

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they ever said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying? You rocket.

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

Where are average things manufactured? The Satisfactory.

Why didn’t the mummy take a vacation? She was afraid she’d relax and unwind.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open-toed.

Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.

What does a house wear? Address.

What do you call a small mother? A minimum.

Why should you never fight a dinosaur? You'll get jurasskicked.

What do you call two birds that are stuck together? Velcrows.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsil-itis!

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador