Devil: “ You cannot withstand the storm.” Me: “I *am* the Walrus” Devil: “Wait…WHAT?!??”

Due to my profound fear and loathing of the outside world, my house is closed up tight and I never leave it. You could say it’s hermit-ically sealed! Bwah.

Dude!! They’ve got storage bins on sale at Costco! TEN for just NINE BUCKS! ..um…oh….

I just set up my new Roomba. The dog hair has overwhelmed me, so I need some help. I’ve named my Roomba Captain Floofy, resisting the juvenile urge to name it after sex organ. And now there is smoke *inside* my goddamn house.

I thought the apocalypse was gonna be all bad asses with mohawks wearing old football pads, driving around kick ass custom muscle cars… …instead, we are all just shitting ourselves to death.

The smoke up here in northern Michigan is so ad they closed the Mackinac bridge. Everyone here is hold up in their house cause it’s too nasty to go outside. Also, I have explosive diarrhea! I love this timeline!

Ahhhhh, working for a big tech company in the 90s. When I was expected to accept getting paid on a 1090 with no healthcare because they had a espresso machine in the break room.

LeeLoo assures me she’s keeping an eye on those goddamn neighbors.

ICESTAPO Hasn't Said Who Shot Johan Sebastian Guerrero, But Independent Research Groups and Local Activist Organizations Say So........👇

Fuuuuuuck…

Ursula hands Elmo his ass. With every passing day, I hate these people more than I thought possible.

Scarborough to Spineless Speaker Johnson: “I’m not gonna mock you, Mike, I’m just gonna call you a liar. Because that’s what you are. You know EXACTLY what happened in Maine.” #AbolishICE

Watching the movie backrooms. Where the heck did they find all that crummy 80s-era hotel room furniture?

Watching the new ghost in the Shell on Amazon prime Well, they cleared up any ambiguity about the Major’s sexuality. The fanboys will be happy.

I don’t think people appreciate how much pizza I have to eat in order to maintain this physique!

I LOVE a cool pillow.

Hmmmm… so I’m considering holding off starting my Monjaro until after I get back from Iceland, because I don’t wanna start having complications while I’m traveling.. Thoughts?

Just saw the new Armed Forces recruiting video. Jesus Christ. It’s like something from Man in the High Castle.

LINDSEY GRAHAM: "We're killing all the right people." GOD: "What a fabulous idea!"

Michael Fanone's take on Lindsey Graham is one of the most powerful I've read:

Lindsey Graham is dead. *giggle*

“Good, I'm glad Lindsay Graham is dead. He can no longer hurt innocent people!”

Taco Bell drive thu today. After having to repeat my order 4 times I realized I was talking to an AI. Fortunately, a person came on and straightened the order out. At the window told me they installed the software two weeks ago, fired 6 people and it's been fucking all the orders up ever since.

This is absolutely what’s happening.

If you ever wondered what a monument to an asshole would look like...

It seems the American dream is now: - Emigrate to the USA - Work hard - Build a life for your family - Contribute to the community - Get shot dead by ICE agents Because, you know, “Worst of the worst” and all that…

You know that old Soviet rule of thumb, if you can’t control the radiation, you must control the information.

Attention staff: from now on all liquor will be referred to as “giggle sauce”.

One could argue that Star City is a much better show than For All Mankind.

Ahhhhhhh….yes…

You can’t get Cyclospora from liquor. Just saying.

Everything they Trump is naming after himself will be undone someday. How do I know this? Because there is no “Adolf Hitler International Airport”.

Ann Coulter is what you get when you bury a string of Anal Beads in the Pet Cemetery.

Good.

Happy Turdsday!

Woooooow... Streetview on google earth and maps is all fucked up now.... Idiots.

Mitch is alive and well... and in perfect hibernation 🎬 #filmsky #moviesky #cinema

Another "Freedom Fuel" victory lap, another Google Street View receipt. The White House touted $3.47/gallon at a Philly station as proof Trump's lowering gas prices, but the same station was selling gas for $3.05 back in April 2025. They're celebrating a price hike.

Me to the flasher rolling on the ground and screaming in agony after I gave him a viciously swift kick square to the balls: “Whatever pal. YOU’RE the one that made it awkward.”

Do NOT do this to flock cameras #3e www.reddit.com/r/roseburg/s...

Goddammit! They set up one of those goddamn creepy FLOCK cameras right up the street from my house.

The new Ghost in the Shell animated TV show is gonna take quite a bit of getting used to.

I’m really enjoying Spider Noir. Although it desperately makes me want to smoke and drink coffee.

I just pinched this from my old man’s wine cellar. I wonder if it’s a good wine?

Always outnumbered… never out pizza’ed!

A reacharound? In THIS economy?!?!