In 2026, the cone is the smallest it has ever been at days 2-4 and then tied for the smallest at 1 and 5 days! The largest improvement over last year's cone is at the 2-day lead time, with a 7.5% reduction in size. bmcnoldy.blogspot.com/2026/03/2026...

Me: “I wish my son would be able to watch an entire movie!” Monkey Paw: “Best I can do is alternating between Home Alone and Home Alone 2 every day in February and March”

If Jesus was Irish he would be Jesus Fitzgod

They should do a post game interview with people who win the little contests during the timeouts in basketball games. Like “how did you prepare for Freeze Dance?” “Well Theo I just stopped when Who Let the Dogs Out stopped”

My son played BattleToads on the NES for the first time in his life today and beat the first level entirely by himself. 🥲

Car is loaded and I’m about to be: happy Mardi Gras!

“After the holidays” down here incudes Mardi Gras. Really feels like the year never got started and I have not been responsible for completing any major tasks

Good news: my daughter has started saying “dada” Bad news: it is what she calls the cats

My Mardi Gras super power is just never having to pee all day. I learned this from my dad refusing to ever stop on road trips

Watching Addams Family and they have diplomats over eating lunch and Morticia says “Oh, that’s not beef. That’s alligator” and everyone acts like that’s weird!!!

My son got his head split open Monday from a plastic toy axe being thrown at full speed by another kid (long story; he’s fine) and every day since he’s climbing furniture & saying things like “I want a bounce house filled with soap” like he doesn’t have an extra hole in his head

There comes a time in every man’s life where he needs to live a little less más

*NBA Jam “He’s on fire!!” voice* LARS VON TRIER!

Insane that everything shutdown today for 30° weather with no rain and people are expecting the same tomorrow (a perfectly sunny day!) when this coming weekend it’s supposed to actually be bad here.

*standing over Santa’s cookies with two in my mouth* Wife: “you know you don’t have to actually eat them all. You can just put them back in the container” Me shoving the third one in my mouth: “ih hah to bh real”

If it weren’t for my pill organizer I’d have no idea what day of the week it was

Ok bite experts — what are we thinking? Bug, snake, cat, bat, or good old fashioned got poked by a sharp thing? Noticed before bed last night so I have no idea when it happened.

Ok bite experts — what are we thinking? Bug, snake, cat, bat, or good old fashioned got poked by a sharp thing? Noticed before bed last night so I have no idea when it happened.

Every coat of paint makes the room smaller

Y’all gotta stop spitting your Zyns out into urinals. I’m getting secondhand from pissing at bars

*Bonnie Raitt voice* 🎵 Let’s give ‘em something from Taco Bell 🎵

Incredible headline

Hey I’ve started using Letterboxd a little more. Who’s on there? boxd.it/2jpJ

Tomorrow night at @SprtsDrnk I’ll be on the final Killin’ It, telling 15mins of new material which to most y’all could be any of my jokes!!!!

You don’t live in my head rent free but it is rent stabilized which I think is fair

Sometimes I just like to dip my toes in at the trampoline park

I love NFL RedZone

*three beers in* the Korn dubstep album was actually good

When I worked at the gas station, there was an old man who'd come in and I'd ask how he was and he'd always say "Well, I'm alive" and I always took that as "it could be worse" but now that I'm older I realize he meant "it could be better"

Charlie Brown plot: “Should I give this flower to this girl and risk being laughed at? Human existence is both exhilarating and exhausting.” Snoopy plot: “I’m going to fight the Germans”

TONIGHT! It's the stand-up comedy show with a built-in audience participation drinking game! We take a drink (alcoholic or not -- your choice!) any time a comedian does or says anything on the secret list next to them! 8pm at @sprtsdrnk.bsky.social (1042 Toledano St)

Mark your calendars -- Wait, What?, the world's greatest Stand-up Comedy Drinking Game, is back at @sprtsdrnk.bsky.social on April 3rd! Every show is so much fun, man. Don't miss out! Tickets: waitwhat.lol/tickets

Last night my son hugged me goodnight and said “you’re the best dad!” and then followed it up with “I’m not saying other kids dads aren’t the best because they might be the best but you’re the best I know” & I appreciate the wider thinking but now I’m keeping him from other dads

I feel bad that not everyone in the country has access to these

I swear to god this is getting out of hand. That’s not the name of the band!!!!

Doing Mardi Gras parades the Sunday after Mardi Gras is some real “still following your ex on instagram energy” like come on man, it’s over. You gotta stop commenting “looking good” on all her posts

The vice president not getting ashes makes him a bad Catholic but me not getting ashes is because I’m a good Catholic. I can’t explain this any further.

I just got recommended a reel on instagram that was Mitch Hedberg doing his slamming a tent flap joke and I swiped past it because I was hoping it was a new joke instead and then I realized I am stupid

I thought they were bragging about doing a taco bust

Rest easy today and drink some water -- Wait What? is on schedule at @sprtsdrnk.bsky.social Thursday night at 8pm! A stacked lineup! Instead of giving something up this Lent, take up something new, like coming to Wait What every month this year! 🎟️ waitwhat.lol/tickets

This cutting board that says “Grilled to Perfection” in Comic Sans is so funny to me

Millennial after having sex with a member of the Fantastic Four: “So, I did The Thing…”

Why would Amazon have AI summarize movies when they could just hire the genius who writes summaries for Crackle?

Cool that everything is just going to look like this and there’s nothing we can do about it

Incredible stuff happening in Toledano Street in May

Keep in mind that even though the Super Bowl is over, many streets around New Orleans will remain closed today while the city puts the potholes back

TONIGHT! The world's greatest stand-up comedy drinking game is back at @sprtsdrnk.bsky.social at 9pm! We're part of the Super Bowl takeover week with @rachelbonnetta.bsky.social and we've got a stacked line-up of both home and away comedians! www.waitwhat.lol/tickets

Official review of the Hubig’s king cake: very good. Very classic style. Reminds me of a McKenzie’s king cake but like moist and fluffy. This one is cream cheese filled

Fucked up that they make the screw on glasses the tiniest slotted screw that you have to tighten while not wearing glasses

this is theft on an unimaginable scale