One of the all-time great poasters, Mike Fossey, passed away last week. RIP

feel like I'm high because I just went outside, stared at a tree for like 10 minutes, and walked back inside like "damn maybe life is worth living"

a few years ago a girl on hinge told me I speak like an animal crossing NPC and I don't think I've ever recovered from that

I would've thought there'd be a backup plan that didn't rely on a reindeer having a glowing red nose

I'm out here unwrapping presents y'all never even heard of

oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree harder christmas tree

starting to think i should've replied to that email when i was 10 that said if i ignored it i'd have 30 years of bad luck

strangely I don't think I'll be giving my Photo ID to X the Everything App

goodnight moon *a tear rolls down my eye as i raise a gun to the sky* forever

improv phone sex 🤝 "yes and then what"

Uhhh, the "ghost" part?

[interview with the vampire] interviewer: and what would you say your biggest weakness is vampire: sunl- wait a second interviewer: *removing mask to reveal simon belmont, vampire slayer* sunlamps? sunlizards?? *now googling* what is a sunlizard

two girls, one cup is gross? are u not aware that it passes the bechdel test? do u hate women??

i would kill a victorian child

I refuse to buy into this AI actress taking hollywood thing. there is zero chance this is happening and isn't a marketing ploy built off ragebait

big fan of when people post videos with captions like "you won't believe it, but this scene was entirely improvised!!!" and it's two marvel actors saying the least funny thing you've ever heard

love to go on the internet to use my favourite sites such as the hitler app, the ai image feed for confused old people, and the one where you post pictures and everyone replies with how much they hate women

thinking bout the VIPs in squid game watching people throw rocks at each other like it's the superbowl

thinking about this australian tourism poster and how no-one here gives a damn

how film majors will look at you when you tell them your favourite movie is fast and the furious instead of a good movie because you have the taste of a stupid baby with a rapidly deteriorating brain condition

i think amongst all of jk rowling's drivel, the funniest thing is that she doesn't even seem to know why people like harry potter in the first place

comedian: are you OFFENDED?! DID I OFFEND YOU? because if i did, i'm very sorry. sometimes my social and cultural privilege makes it difficult for me to decipher the negative connotations of my humor. i strive to learn from my mistakes to promote an inclusive space during my set

can't stop thinking about that tweet someone made where they were like "part of the ego problem in gaming circles is that people feel smart for solving problems that were designed to be solved" because like yeah? every time i do a silly little puzzle i'm like "YEAH LOOK AT ME GO. I'M A BRAIN GENIUS"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA get fucked dutton

this is one of my favorite bits to do

if i could have dinner with anyone alive or dead i wouldn't

the perfect amount of water is two and a half glasses. if I see someone drink three, I cannot take their opinions seriously

is it wrong to flirt with your ex in an elaborate scheme to get back an office chair

I talk a lot of shit for someone that used to end their messages in "eheh"

fulfilling my childhood dreams by doordashing an ice cream cake at 9PM

I bought a teleprompter to cheat in a scriptless video assessment in high school so who am I to judge?

no but thank you for asking

wtf since when did I have 1000 followers on here. I've been treating this like a priv to 20 people

morbidly curious how many unethical experiments would suddenly be allowed if you didn't pay the participants and instead made them compete for the same amount of money

very cool and normal that the people like this are just out in the open now

we never should’ve given power to the nerds. the jocks shouldn’t have it either. we must usher in the age of the goths

velma: another mystery solved gang. there's no such thing as the supernatural, just ol' fashioned trickery scooby doo, the talking dog: rol' rashioned rickery

me: *walking in with a black eye and bloody nose* you should see the other guy friend: haha, that's funn- me: *suddenly very serious* he had bearlike features

some rejected tweets

watching a jdrama and this dude is meant to be 14

fireworks? um yeah, i sure hope it does

sorry little timmy. santa's elves have unionised so you're not getting any presents this year. i'm afraid santa has gone woke... WOKE!!

I've changed my mind, this app is good again

pigs speaking latin, call that highly unusual

oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree harder christmas tree

what do you mean the american left? where did it go

editor: this better not be like last time kafka: it's a coming of age story editor: ok kafka: about a boy who's changed, but his family won’t accept him editor: i'm listening kafka: because he's changed into a bug editor: there we go kafka: like a real big fuckin bug

He didn't like games and I was fucking Fortnite.