I just applied some hand sanitizer I found at work... no clue about its germ killing capabilities, but it instantly incinerated the hairs out of my nose and is currently peeling the finish off my desk.

Hey, @hbo.bsky.social Max. I was wondering... if it isn't too much trouble... if you could start keeping track of which shows and episodes we've watched so I don't have to keep a notepad next to the couch like we're insane? That'd be awfully swell. #kthxbye

Reasons The Rise of Skywalker Makes No Sense Part 1 of 3000: Why are the Star Destroyers on Exogol buried in sand? Just… like… why? Join me next week for Part 2 when I ask why the outline of the crashed Death Star is carved into a knife.

So... do I have to hand in my Nerd Card if I don't have a favorite Transformer?

Unfortunately, my new toy… The Stranger… is stuck with the worst Star Wars name since Count Dooku. And Rey Skywalker. #RenewTheAcolyte #SaveTheAcolyte #SideBurnOnRiseOfSkywalker

New toy alert! By far the coolest character Star Wars has created in a LONG time. Thanks to the whiny, poopy-pantsed babies who ridiculed The Acolyte online just because it had 2 awful episodes, we’ll never get a 2nd season that would’ve revealed a cooler name than… The Stranger. #DarthTeeth

Just finished my first day at BluePeak Textiles! So excited to be working on the new project code name “Elephant” 😂 #newjob #insidejoke #KnowBe4 #crushingit #circleoflife

I am awarding a trophy to #BabySteps for having the worst trophy list of any @playstation.com game I’ve ever seen. You’ll have to walk barefoot to my house to get it though.

I feel like schools need to begin dedicating an entire semester to teaching the difference between “lose” and “loose”. But at this point it just feels like a loosing battle.

I can't wait to see Bugs Bunny at the Music Super Bowl Halftime Show this year. I hope he does the Barber of Seville.

@playstation.com State of Play predictions: • LEGO Twisted Metal trailer • Life is Strange: Avengers Assemble announcement • Viva Piñata hats & rideable piñata's revealed for Death Stranding 2 • Knack VR demo

Why am I so tired today? Because I woke up an hour before my alarm and my brain decided to rewrite Luke Skywalker’s entire role in #TheLastJedi. Now I just need Kathleen Kennedy’s email address and a time machine. @markhamillofficial.bsky.social can thank me at the 2018 Oscars.

I haven't posted anything funny in awhile, so here's my desk. In my office. AT WORK. I'm almost 50. I spent real money on these. Someone married me.

Hey @xbox.com! If you are hurting for money right now, instead of laying people off, why not renew the licenses for #MarvelUltimateAlliance 1 & 2 and re-re-release them on Xbox and PlayStation? I would re-re-buy them since my old copies are sitting on dead consoles. Ple-ple-please?!?!?

I injured my left arm moving comic book long boxes 54 days ago and it still hurts today. I guess this is my life now.

In an alternate universe, this collection also prominently features an awesome @robliefeld.bsky.social #Youngblood™ Knight Sabre action figure by McFarlane Toys. Sadly, I am clearly living in the darkest timeline.

I’ve moved beyond just walking into a room and forgetting why I’m there. I now thumb to a specific screen on my phone and forget which app I meant to open.

Today's Weather Forecast: You'll feel like you just woke up in a drainage ditch in Tijuana wearing a wool pantsuit.

The weather forecast for Wisconsin this week should just say, "feels like being smothered to death in a wet sleeping bag."

Update on the weather in Wisconsin: I walked our dogs and when I got home it felt like I had just crawled out of the overweight dog's mouth.

After playing a bunch of #MarvelStrikeForce Danger Room, I can safely say that I hate Endgame Thanos more than puppy cancer.

I was completely invested in an alternate universe where 4 astronauts gain super powers from a cosmic accident and have to fight some silver girl on a flying surfboard and a planet eating giant, but I drew the line at The Thing growing a beard.

Name five games you'd play at any time. Not your top 5 of all time, just five games you'd play any time. (Mmmm… delicious engagement bait). Dig Dug BurgerTime Burnout SSX Crash Team Racing

The best part about my morning commute to work is that when I arrive, my blood is already pre-boiled.

#Superman And now I just sit back and watch the “Likes” roll in.

Is there anything in life more frustrating than trying to separate the coffee filters with your thick, dumb fingers in the morning? I feel like the answer should be "yes," but I just took 2 Tylenol with a sip of coffee in an attempt to recreate Excedrin, so who knows?

As I near the end of my 40s, I realized that I’ve never been involved in a food fight. They happen so frequently on TV and yet nobody has ever reached down, grabbed a handful of spaghetti and with full force hurled it into my face. And when I do it, nobody laughs. I’m just asked to leave Fazoli’s.

I feel like #Microsoft lays off so many people, they buy new studios just so they can fire more people.

My one regret regarding our visit to Ireland was that we did not attend the Mallow Garden Festival. The first week there, from Dublin to Portmagee, we couldn’t drive 30 seconds without seeing a sign for the Mallow Garden Festival. The amount of effort to place all of those signs… and we didn’t go.

It's about time I got this off my chest. Why did #McFarlaneToys attach 2 GIANT guns to the ShadowHawk action figure with a rubber cord that could only be removed with scissors?!?!? He never even used guns, but I need 2 guns dragging behind him when he's battling Badrock over some misunderstanding?

We saw an actual rainbow during our trip to #Ireland! We followed it to the end because of course you do and turns out it was really touristy there so we left.

I spent over 2 weeks in Ireland and didn’t see one werewolf.

That’s some sweet job security for the #HBOMax marketing department that has to change their entire brand every few months.

OH NO! I just realized I've never eaten a turnip.

Dear video game writers, if you are currently finalizing your dialogue script and any character utters the phrase, “as I live and breathe” please know that I am 47 years old and have yet to hear a real, non-actor, person say those words and that I’m very disappointed in you.

I’m not sure why #Chewy bothers to print out and send coupon codes because none of them have ever worked on anything we actually need to buy. Here’s 15% off your next Liger harness when you buy 2. Oh sweet! BOGO owl pedicure kits! Only good on the sixth Tuesday of the month.

[insert squeals of delight here] #Gambit

I just preordered an Xbox game on my PS5 with #IndianaJones and the Great Circle. Does... does this mean I need to start following @xbox.com here? It feels naughty. Well, I guess it's time to dust off my Xbox 360 Gamertag, Doritos™ footy pajamas and Viva Piñata bourbon flask.

Let's All Go to the Vet: The Blog #Pets revelationsartdesign.blogspot.com/2025/03/all-...

I cannot wait for the #D23Expo to see the new trailer for Indiana Jones and the Time Machine that Erases the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

We took all 4 pets to the vet today. It took extra long because they had to go out to the refrigeration unit to access the Quantum computer in order to tabulate our expenses.

10 YEARS CANCER-FREE! Celebrate with #Portillos! Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy. #CobraKai And now I’m starting to think I’ve had too much mint chocolate shake. Maybe @gameovergreggy.bsky.social would appreciate this at least.

I rarely post anything serious, but I just had to announce that after today’s doctor visit, I am officially 10 years cancer-free. And I don't even remember the last time I've eaten a salad. See? Look what I made me do.

I don’t know if there is a mobile game that burns my butter more than @marvelstrikeforce.bsky.social. “For this event, you can only use the Ravager Stitcher, a SHIELD Medic, your new stepdad Joel and I hope you leveled up the A.I.M. Janitor cuz he’s vital. Oh, and you need a Gear Tier 19 Iron Mop.”

Somehow—in 2025—I have "Just Another Day Without You" stuck in my head by #JonSecada. Yeah—I owned that cassette tape. And yeah—I played it on repeat. And yeah—I sat alone at lunch crying into my tater tots with my baggy, pleated jeans, braided belt and Jordan Catalano haircut™.

I think my wife accidentally bought the orange juice labeled, "Oops! All Pulp!"

How old am I? I’m “I honestly can’t remember if I took 2 Excedrin for my migraine and am afraid to take more now” years old. And don’t get me started on how #DaylightSavingTime has thrown off my supper schedule.

My Outie only eats the chocolate pudding from a salad bar. My Outie wore pajamas from 3pm Thursday thru 5am Tuesday. My Outie once won a game of checkers against a human adult without losing a single checker. #Severance

Feeling pretty. #GarbagePailKids