first-world problem: i was unable to get a suitable quantity of luscious lime paint mixed for the wall surrounding my bedroom window, so now i have to choose between indian ivy 5 and tarragon glory 5, and if i can't have these either then i guess i'll just have to paint the entire wall one colour 😭

we need a new social contract in place, where if i hear someone asking another person to turn their phone noises off or use headphones, then i will speak up and say "it's bothering me too actually". i think it'll be easier to be the speaker-upper if we know there are backer-uppers out there too

tfw you want to paint your nails but you are painting walls this week so there is literally zero point in doing anything that could be immediately undone by dulux

anyway, i would demand brownie points for managing to remain cool when liza colón-zayas walked past the other day, but were rhian here, she'd be able to confirm that i did not remain cool at all actually

TIL that Samuel Taylor Coleridge the poet and Samuel Coleridge-Taylor the composer are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE you're never too old to learn i guess 🤦🏻‍♀️

my first and second choice for rush tickets this afternoon sold out immediately at 10am so i am off to see titanique, this had better be DUMB AS FUCK

it is a good job i love david correos, i am going to arrive home roughly halfway through both taskmaster and traitors and it's all his fault

it's curious to realise that you know how you're going to die, even though you don't know when it'll happen. for instance, one day david dastmalchian's hair is going to be entirely grey, and i am 1000% not going to be able to survive that

Pls release all the cover versions of popular songs for download or stream, they are GREAT #TheTraitors

it feels like stephen fry thought he was going to be The Smart Guy, and now he's wandering around in an existential crisis brought on by nick mohammed 🥰 #TheTraitors

I JUST NEED TO PLAN WHAT I'M GOING TO BE EATING IN SEVEN AND A HALF WEEKS TIME, THERE IS SO MUCH UNCERTAINTY IN LIFE, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS

it's hard to be stern about people getting excited for christmas too early when my immediate response to "we're going to a restaurant" is to get STRAIGHT on that menu, even when it is the work christmas meal that is not happening until flipping december

anyway, anxious people-pleaser polonius, genuinely very concerned for hamlet in a way literally no one else was, has caused my death and my pitiful corpse will never more be able to look at a ukulele without weeping

also this is a VERY WEIRD cast for me specifically, considering how i came to enjoy shakespeare so much in the first place

regret to inform you all that the play widely regarded as the greatest piece of drama and/or literature ever written does indeed continue to slap #IntervalTweets

LMAOOOOO A bunch of comedians tried to make up for their participation in the Riyadh comedy festival by donating their pay to Human Rights Watch and Human rights Watch was like “nah bitch we don’t want your dirty blood money” 😂😂 I’m dying

David Simon, creator of ‘The Wire’, being interviewed by Ari Shapiro (NPR)

I don't remember this bit of Betty Blue Eyes #Taskmaster

Peter Serafinowicz is delightfully odd, put him in Taskmaster IMMEDIATELY #ROHOG

btw how the FUCK are the january 6th committee and d*nald tr*mp both viable candidates for the nobel peace prize this year, are we losing our collective miiiiiiiiinds

if elon musk happens to still be in the market for dropping billions on buying a website and tearing it apart until it's no longer recognisable as its former self, may i suggest ticketmaster

i think my favourite bad faith take on life of a showgirl is "onyx is black and opalite is white therefore taylor is RACIST" you guys are going to *shit* when you realise what colour the sky is at night compared with daytime 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Robin Williams' daughter has some quality thoughts on AI slop

my dog's best friend came back from his holiday, what a messy and violent and aggressive reunion they had 🥰🥰🥰

my sister is buying a house so we get to decorate rooms for the first time ever. i've spent the last week narrowing down forest mural wallpapers, and she's currently deciding between two floral skull pattern wallpapers. which is a fairly accurate representation of who we both are, i guess

remembering the woman carrying her tiny little puppy around the park in search of nice adult dogs for socialisation, who spotted our little criminal repeatedly stealing a tennis ball from a himbo rottweiler and thought "yes, the perfect pair to help teach my dog How To Be"

So whatever blackmail material RuNo had to make James McArdle star in Peter Gynt has clearly been passed to Indhu Rubasingham, it's surprising she's played this card this early in her tenure tho

my number one most unfortunately middle england opinion is that henry v ABSOLUTELY FUCKING *SLAPS* and no one can take that away from me

hey, so, i've been looking on the internet, and i regret to inform you that the song actually romantic was written about you actually

intellectually, i know that SO MANY ringtones are actually classical music, but it's impossible to appreciate the scope of the problem until dan walker apparently gets a bee in his bonnet about playing them all in a single classic fm morning show

"There's a creature on me!" #Taskmaster

That's a FUCKING BUTTERFLY CAKE NSJDHDBSBBSJSH #ROHOG

Crossword clues that shouldn't be tricky except that I am exactly the person I am (and it's a four-letter answer too):

picking fights on the internet about lady bracknell again, like a scab you can't stop yourself picking at

Just cleared off my credit card! 🙌🏻 Now I have to renew my car insurance!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻 It never fucking STOPS!!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

Me to the dog on this morning's walk:

rip tony harrison, i actually quite enjoyed fram, i'll miss shouting "this is an outrage" in a noel fielding voice whenever you crop up in a serious theatre conversation

dreams are very weird; i can work out what parts of my waking life inspired most of last night's very vivid one, but i have no explanation for the bit where i was due to birth a pikachu

(i also enjoyed the sneak preview of silver fox andy samberg, because i am VERY READY for that but also *will* need some time to prepare myself)

well i liked the roses, because it is ABOUT FUCKING TIME we let benedict cumberbatch be funny while ginger again

REAL fuckin Globey night at the Soho, jfC

well this seat was sold as floor level behind two other floor level rows, so i am delighted to discover they were lying to me and it is in fact raked 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

is... is the big girl in the room with us.....?

you can't really make a comedy version of dracula, because dracula is already a comedy to start with

this was GREAT by the way, half a chicken splits very nicely across two meals and the staff were very sweet and emphatic that i should take AS MUCH salad and bread as possible 'cos it'll just get chucked out otherwise, this would've been worth the full £4.79 easily

i am generally speaking not a conspiracy theorist, but there are certain gun-related crimes that make me wonder if the perpetrator truly is acting on their own initiative

happy anniversary to the release of midnight mass and to the closure of the burnt city, 24th september continues to kick me in the teeth every year 🧡

devastated to report that i have missed the window to order my usual wednesday+thursday night carvery courtesy of too good to go, so i guess i will just have to have half a rotisserie chicken for 79p (i had £4 credit) instead :(

p willy drop summers in salzburg already HOW IS THIS FUCKING ALBUM STILL NOT OUT YET

and then sometimes i go to the park on my lunch break and one of my dog's bestest buddies, a corgi, is here! but i don't have my dog with me, so the corgi just walked right on by 😭