Cold water at 1 in the morning is like breastfeeding straight from God’s titties

This is probably the last thing Brooklyn Beckham heard before Victoria ruined his wedding

Regardless of how you felt about Scott Adams, he left his mark on the world - drawing an egg-shaped dog with glasses and briefly selling frozen burritos that made people shit titanium ingots

Snorting 800mg of the pills from Limitless so I can reach a triple-digit IQ

I had to give up watching SNL because every time a cast member looks dead into the camera and reads off a cue card while wearing a silly Party City costume I literally start shitting and pissing and convulsing with laughter

At this point they really should consider rescinding that FIFA Peace Prize and Democrat leadership should really consider publishing a strongly-worded letter

why bother even wiping anymore what's the fucking point

Society started to unravel the moment we stopped rofl-ing and started lmao-ing

Never expected in a million years to hear Taylor Swift singing about ass-to-mouth but here we are I guess

If I win the lottery I might just start tipping DoorDash drivers again

funniest day online since the billionaire submersible went missing

The Amazon app any time you even slightly touch the bottom bar

Still can't believe they announced an American Pope by having Miller High Life spray out of the chimney

Regardless of who becomes the next Pope I just hope their scepter-holding abilities are up to par

My first time watching Wrestlemania in years and the first thing I see is Stone Cold drunk driving an ATV into the barrier and injuring a fan in the front row

Give it at least 6 months and we're gonna start seeing Kid Rock hosting squirt-offs at Mar-a-Lago. My clairvoyance is not to be questioned

Just found out September by Earth Wind and Fire was written by a white woman that looked like Bruce Vilanch and I don’t know how to process it

They didn't believe me when I said I got that dawg in me so I dragged my ass on their carpet and started chewing through some throw pillows

every flag and ideological symbol you have in your bio reduces how seriously you should be taken by 10%, if you have 10 you immediately transform into a bug

Pearl Harbor could have easily avoided if the navy painted waifus on those ships

There are some people who really go through life not knowing that Tony Soprano owned two boats named after his balls

Rewatching Passion of The Christ and the scene where Jesus sticks both middle fingers up and breaks off of the cross while Limp Bizkit plays still brings tears to my eyes

Haven't slept in weeks - every time I toss and turn the microplastics in my balls sounds like an indigenous rain stick

After a lot of thought I can honestly say this year I'm most thankful for living in a time where I can play Family Guy shovelware while taking a shit

1974: Philippe Petit walks on a tightrope between the Twin Towers 2012: Felix Baumgartner jumps to Earth from the stratosphere 2024:

Every single upload from The Dodo is some variation of "this pit bull ate an entire preschool but is now a sweetheart because a woman with the worst flash tattoos ever adopted him"

They left me with no choice, I had to go Flinstones: Viva Rock Vegas on them 😔

1:50 AM and I can’t stop thinking about Gucci Mane depicting himself as Buzz Lightyear on two separate mixtapes

British prisons sound fun as hell. You forget to pay your TV license and get sentenced to indoor recess

After five straight hours of watching boxing on Netflix all I can remember is a woman’s eyelid almost falling off and Mike Tyson’s asscheeks

Ignoring the fact that he ripped a woman’s face off, Travis the Chimp seemed like a pretty laid back guy

Seeing tons of Twitter users jump ship to Bluesky and then realizing the implications of tons of Twitter users jumping ship to Bluesky

Stocking up on Metamucil so I can continue shitting on the haters at unprecedented levels

Me listing myself as a reference and telling employers why they should hire me

There’s not a damn thing they can do to stop me from committing loan fraud so I can summon Oni on my detractors

And they said I'd never achieve anything in life

Everyone who saw Jimmy cracking corn and said they didn't care was a fucking liar

I'm not one to brag but all of my DVDs have interactive menus

Literally every Theo Von joke: "Yeah man, I grew up with a kid called uhhhhh Johnny Assholes. We called him Johnny Assholes 'cause uhhhh he had two assholes, man. Went numero dos twice as much as the average homo sapien, ya dig?"

The same generation that proudly wears Vietnam veteran baseball caps is the same generation that complains about participation trophies

British people dunk on Americans for gun violence but will literally rip the sink off the wall and beat their wives with it if Adyebe Okele Dimbwembe misses a goal and costs Poppinghamshire FC United a single soccer game

Not even 24 hours after Bluesky implements DMs and my inbox is flooded with unsolicited giant titty pics and people thanking me for how timeless and entertaining my posts are

Never have I been more disappointed by being misled by a news headline in my life

Out of morbid curiosity I want to see an instance of a ventriloquist having a racism scandal just to see what percentage of people would actively call for the dummy to get cancelled

Anyone who says they can easily name the biggest tragedy to happen in 2001 clearly wasn't there to remember Sega discontinuing the Dreamcast

Feeling very ashamed and upset after realizing that buying an Apple Pencil and Procreate wouldn't miraculously turn me into a skilled artist

Blue checkmarks are the 2020s equivalent of dunce caps

Me after a heated exchange with the AMC Theatres staff over exhibiting my constitutional right to fuck the Dune 2 popcorn bucket as soon as the opening trailers start