Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead stuff." — Dave Enyeart

Riches cover a multitude of woes. — Menander

One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.

The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."

1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. — Quentin Crisp

FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.

"What if" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard, so stop using it in your sentences without permission, or risk being sued.

"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him." — Arthur C. Clarke

The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. — R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?]

We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his own facts. — Patrick Moynihan

"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." — Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens"

This is now. Later is later.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.

Debug is human, de-fix divine.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. — Anthony Burgess

The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. — E. Hubbard

UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.

This file will self-destruct in five minutes.

One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will eventually mature.

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." — Helen Keller

Lisp Users: Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." — H.L. Mencken

Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced. — John Keats

The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.

All power corrupts, but we need electricity.

1 Word = 1 Millipicture

If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.

Drilling for oil is boring.

Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.

"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." — C. Durance, Computer Science 234

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. — Bill Hoest

HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! Details at 11.

"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously." — Doctor Graper

Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.

Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. — Henry Adams

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. — Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. — Dyer

Natural laws have no pity.

If you suspect a man, don't employ him.

FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. — A.J. Perlis

"So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here." — Biff in "Back to the Future"

Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.

Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. — Edgar R. Fiedler

In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.