im just an actual idiot...

i hate being lied to because even when i know its happening my instinct is to just pretend its true and to blame myself for making the other person lie to placate me deep down im angry but due to trauma im unable to safely experience that emotion so i just feel hurt, like im at fault, and v sad

im genuinely an idiot pigeons learn faster than me its time to stop trying is futile and hoping hurts too much see you when i see you what a fucking way to kick off my birthday...

ttyl ig or w/e

i acted out like a child but it just came out of nowhere and stung so deep … ive been asking for weeks ive been struggling grasping for anything to keep afloat and nothing … others ask and receive … at least i know now im NOT imagining things i AM unwanted

in intense physical pain (neuropathy, so no relief either) full of anxiety & worry and heartache … they say grief is love with nowhere to go i certainly have a lot of love with not many places where its received or wanted … i miss many people so much and hate how incapable and incompetent i am

days like this i wonder where i went wrong … was it something i said or just my general being "vibe" … i keep trying my best and it just keeps making things worse … im giving up for today crawling back into bed maybe tomorrow everything will hurt a bit less or maybe its just this from now on…

hurting… and so alone … theres 29 days 11 hours and 32 minutes left but the way i keep fucking everything up wtf does it matter if i keep trying or not … im always here but appear offline 99% of the time … it hurts less when its quiet if i pretend its because of that and not because of me

i try to remind myself this is a good thing, actually … if they liked talking with me and wanted to do it … if they missed chatting with me wished for it to happen more … if they enjoyed my company and not just tolerated me out of politeness or pity … im right here have been a ping away

all i ever wanted was steady, safe connection lil pings a 'thinking of you' a space that still feels like im kept to be reached for not just tolerated i dont want to chase i want to be picked i try not to overstep and still end up too much its stupid how much this hurts

did a thing where i tired to "prove" myself i dont *need* to constantly spam friends to not be forgotten so id wait and let people reach out to me first, for once … the result? … have heard from one (1) friend in the last 4 days … the kicker? half of my friends didnt know i was out of town

ive tried getting there by learning skills i figured would make me seem interesting or make me useful for people … the problem is my skills are dumb bullshit and even my best ones im barely mediocre at

im leaving on a trip in 18h first trip ive taken in a long while, to a cool city ive never been to … wish i could feel excited and happy instead of like an unloveable fuckup … had a horrible nightmare which stuck with me … just cant shake it from my head … and its eating at me constantly

started a new thread on main where i reply to every time i break down crying not from like a book, game, tv show or movie, but like actually break down from the weight of it all from feeling unloved, unseen, forgotten or unwanted from being too much and not enough all at once

oh NOW i see it i was wondering what i was missing … thats honestly ingenious hats off and all that … really fell for it hook, line and sinker … well my original plan actually still kinda works at least in 100h increments … setting the alarm for 20½h from now … time to extinguish a spark

vitunko väliä millään varsinkaan mulla i know i was supposed to post in english but wtf does it matter its not as if anyones supposed to read these i just need to scream into the void sometimes when it hurts so much nothing makes sense … happens v often these days … im too much and not enough

i always get my hopes up immediately … and the end result is always the same … me sat here crying feeling like i dont matter … ig i dont … instead of false hope and polite soft rejection … can everyone just forget me for real? … stop making half an effort it hurts more than nothing

somehow keep fucking it up had to be told off about boundaries by one friend, again lost two others, in one day … other plans went to shit somehow it all seems more hopeless than ever … not okay, starting to lose sight of how i ever could be … routinely cry in public now wtf does it matter

i reached out because i saw something that reminded me of a friend … you reached back because you panicked the loser who helps you with PHP sometimes would stop doing that for free if you admitted youd not thought of them once without needing something … as if this is all i have left

"oh i was *just* going to call you to ask if you wanted to meet up" -- friend 2h in to hanging out with 3 mutual friends in a spot i can literally see from my bedroom window, that all 4 had to travel 45+min to get to … yeah, im sure literally had your finger on the call button when i texted, huh?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG WHY IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIS … IM SO FUCKING ALONE AND STILL FEEL LIKE IM ASKING WAY TOO MUCH WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO BE SEEN OR TO BE DISMISSED OUTRIGHT IF IM NOT WANTED … WHY WOULD YOU KEEP ME HANGING IN A LOOSE NOOSE LIKE THIS UNLESS YOU GENUINELY HATE ME

oh hey its the sad delusional man you know the old manly mannish man with a man face the delusional "non-binary" old man who people cringe at on the street for trying too hard to live a lie the dude man guy who insist on hiding behind a pfp that looks nothing like real life yeppers thats me 👋

i dont want to be myself anymore i dont have a choice of course … and that makes me feel like i dont want to be anymore … i wish i wasnt like this i understand why people arent comfortable sharing things with me never think to just reach out to catch up why im always "welcome", never invited

i experienced something wonderful and just want to share my joy with someone but there is no one around … that wonderful thing was always going to be one-time a beautiful act of kindess not to be repeated that was the deal … i hope i remember it even if i have nobody to share the joy with rn

was still delusional told myself maybe its all in my head … well its not i dont know _WHAT_ it is … i dont know why … but i see it so clearly … none of them wants to admit it wants to say the words … but the silence is ear-splittingly loud … why cant i just be normal?

i keep fucking up … i made a promise to a friend (i hope they are) and fucked it up within a week … i keep thinking i if i just try hard enough i can figure out how to act normal and right so that people will like me and want to connect and share things and hang out and do things together

fuck do i wish i could say a thing and not have someone cooler, more popular, more eloquent, whatever immediately have to run up and either invalidate or negate what i said or hijack and remote chance that someone would pay attention to something i say for a second by saying something unrelated

im sick this is the kind of time when i REALLY wish people would sometimes reach out to me of their own accord when im too unwell to shoot out my usual barrage of DMs to everyone i know hoping one person will notice but thats not who i am

im tired... it shouldnt be this hard i was *damaged* by people who shouldve loved me. shouldve made me feel safe, feel cherished now im with the scars _they_ left but somehow _im_ the one who has to work double-time to be loveable, to be chosen, to not scare people off

is it time to give up yet? or do i still have to pretend things might be different?

sometimes i wonder if they laugh at me behind my back at how easy it is to fool me at how upset i get when actions dont match words at how no matter what i always come back, like a puppy but then i realise even that is me being delusional thinking i matter enough to be a subject of conversation

welp, the inevitable happened and i fucked ALL of it up i dont think theres any coming back from this i had so little and somehow managed to lose it all

if they liked spending time with you, instead of tolerating you around while spending time with each other if they wanted to do things with you, spend time together dont you think theyd have asked even just ONCE in the six months since you came back from the hospital?

at some point you just need to come to terms with the fact that some people just arent meant to have deep meaningful connections, no matter how much they crave to. need to. life isn't fair 🤷‍♀️ or maybe it is, and i deserve the isolation and constant numb ache

done nothing but sleep tired of waking up to feeling like this wanna turn back the clock two days seven weeks five months but stuck here at the tailend of a dozen fuckups well at least my degenerate ass brain still remembers to be yearny and needy WHILE being sad regretty and embarrassed

all i seem to do lately is post about my feelings so i figured id make a place to do that that doesnt pollute my friends timelines with cringe thats what this handle is