dysphoria is kicking my ass today

feeling so lonely today. sometimes i regret the decision to not date until i have a job but i know it’s for the best that i am able to spoil my future partner

it’s so extremely demotivating to lose finished things you worked really really hard on because of drama surrounding the original dev team. but that’s just the way things go i guess

“man, i love making a Heaven Studio remix event, i like this community of creators and really hope it’ll be a fun casual event!!” The Evil & Intimidating Drama Over An Event I Didn’t Host Applied To The One Event I Have:

me when I’m starting to have a crush on a girl who LITERALLY constantly flirts with me(but i can’t ask her out bc id disrupt her QPR)

i just want to let you guys know if you ever feel like you have to purposely avoid saying certain things around me, please, let me know immediately i’m in a friendship like that and it’s so unfathomably draining. and i really don’t want anyone else to feel that way.

I’m gonna actually throw up

IT HURTS IT HURTS THE BUS IS PLAYONH A HIGH PITCHED NOISE BECAUAE THEYRE LOADING PERCUSSION ON THE BACK THROUGH THE EMERGENCY EXITS PLEASE MAKE IT FUCKINH STOP I WANT TO DIE PLEASE IT HURTS SO BAD

it hurts to move my arms it hurts to move my legs it hurts to talk it hurts to think yet i have to do all of these things anyways because i simply can’t miss school today i have so much shit going on

my throat hurts so bad i can’t fucking talk but i can’t skip school bc there’s a bunch of shit happening so

my throat fucking hurts so bad i can’t talk and YET i have to go to school because i have so much crap happening i can’t miss even if i wanted to AND i wanted to tell mom about it and wear a mask but she just. DIDNT LET ME????

been an asshole today. sorry

not a vent post did i ever show you guys my sword cosplay im wearing it again in like two days for a trunk or treat but i still have the photo of it from like may lol

my apologies if me not posting my face to people makes you not trust me as much, it’s just this is like a kinda big paranoia i have. my mom always told me never to post my face online and said I’d like get hunted and killed for it. also i look Not Great so that really doesn’t help

i put “people think about me more than im comfortable with” in suspectives because what im comfortable with is nothing i dont want anyone to think about me tbh

is it like. normal. to have like. this weird internalized transphobia against yourself only? like when i think of my trans friends i always go with the identities they choose for themselves. like “yeah he’s a very kind boy” or “she’s a very pretty girl”

btw if you’re wondering about the situation w a friend from a few days ago we made up it’s fine now

Envious of microorganisms right now but I don’t wanna worry you guys with why

God why do i keep telling friends little white lies that “im okay” and “i can handle myself” when in reality when these days come about im left with a stupid overpriced video game being my chief reason to keep going

Do you all hate me too Please be honest I don’t wanna hurt anyone else especially people i care about

My best friend hates me and probably hated me all along

I’m such a fool for thinking someone could stand to be around me

0 days SH free(only sorta because it was just a pencil and banging my head against a wall but I’ll prolly do worse when i get home) and it’s over fucking homework god i am PATHETIC

sorry that i sometimes just forget to respond on this acc what happens is i fell bad about myself, play Phighting or smth, get lost in that for a bit, and by the time im back on bsky it’s too late to respond

i saw something that reminded me of an experience i had that only now reveals a truth but it’s not the time to address it honestly I’m not sure if it’ll ever be the time. it’s a horrible twist upon my philosophies and morals and my life’s work could be deemed meaningless by it

why the FUCK am i always busy when something happens to someone it’s a curse. i hate it. i love band but i can’t wait for it to be over just so i have as much time as i can to help people

been feeling nauseous all week bc I’ve been so depressed but it’s comp week i gotta show up to practice yeah my director wouldn’t mind if i missed bc i was sick but it’s more a “i have to be better” thing

i need more sleep but every time i do end up sleeping i miss something super important and regret it tenfold

my mom tried to get me to skip first period bc she and my sister are tired but i can’t bc i have a test and she’s behaving like i just killed her dog

i try to keep my head down and ignore the news but the truth is I’m constantly scared for my life i don’t want to die i just feel like it’s gonna happen soon he’s gonna start a military coup and soon enough I’ll be in a camp I’m gonna record smth that will be the last post i make if i get killed

trying to kinda hide my breakdown on main

i can’t get to sleep

actually nvm on Crossworlds it’s just so expensive i can’t justify it

installing crossworlds and crying greatttttt why do amazing fun days out with friends always end like. the absolute worst. i just ruin everything

every time i think my dad is becoming a better person it gets ten times worse today he literally ENCOURAGED me to try drugs in college. the fuck. how do you even. rationalize that

i keep making it all about me I’m sorry

i don’t really deserve to be alive and I’ve known this for a while now

dysphoria hitting hard today :c

i feel. very pretty. too scared for the skirt but I’ll open it tonight

FINALLY wearing some of my fem clothes tn not ALL of them bc there is still a risk i get caught. but some. alr

it’s ok now

i know they’re fine they’re doing smth on discord just why am i crying still over nothing hopefully nothing

i knew my luck would run out. i should’ve known this would happen sooner or later. i just. in the words of a metaphor i previously used, i just kept ringing the phone. strangely enough, i don’t regret dialing, and i will continue to dial, in hope, but all that’s left for me is the dial tone

WHY DID I HAVE TO BE OUT AND ABOUT TODAY. WHY TODAY OF ALL DAYS. WHY DID IT HAPPEN TO BE TODAY

i am not gonna lie Kirby & The Forgotten Land Star Crossed World probably saved me from serious self-harm or worse during the 1st week of September i am ok now. in 3 days i almost lost two people i care deeply about, felt bad for smth that got resolved after the week ended, and other stupid stuff

i feel nameless one fourth because i cannot come up with a name for myself one fourth because i don’t wanna inconvenience my friends one fourth because i don’t want my parents to hear it and know im not cis and one fourth because i don’t feel worthy of a name right now

i dial the phone in hopes of an answer but the person on the other end hung up a long time ago but i just can’t and i won’t stop dialing in hope there’s an answer, in prayer they’ll speak to me i won’t accept that they’d decided to hang up the moment i first called-i can change their mind, right?

god every minute i spend living as myself makes me wanna barf i know i can help people and i wanna stay alive for that but i just don’t wanna be me. i wanna be someone. please. i am crying and begging let me be a person please

I’m fine really i am i just sometimes have these shitty thoughts lol

god damn it i hate being me so much i hate the way i talk i hate the way i look i hate the way i am i hate the ways i feel i just can’t be me trapped in this fucking shell goddamnit. why was i born this way. sometimes i start to believe knowing your true self is a curse rather than a blessing.