This week sucks. I want out I want to just get out of this week I am basically at my wits end already everything i've done is basically just gone now. yippie

what a therapy session.

I truly don't know what to do to get this thought out of my head

I am nothing but an absolute mistake

had a really bad panic attack mid screen. I think i'm going to think about how to formulate it and then probably post about the feeling publicly.

Yea im pretty sure me venting is just a massive mistake

Is it okay to ask people if they have you muted

May or may not be melting down.

I feel like I don't see a reason to have the subathon if things are the way they are right now. Its just such a wasted effort. I feel like I can never really break out and im just stuck in this vortex of inconsistency. It really sucks and while I dont want to compare, so many people are doing

First time in what feels like months too. Idk what i even did wrong.

Single digit average viewer stream really uh.. yea. damn.

I am genuinely afraid to do the subathon. But I kind of have to do it. There's really no other way to do it than to just try. The fear of nothing happening from the work I've put into setting it up DOES set in. But I'm gonna do it

I'm just so in shock what the fuck. A positive influence..

My house is literally the most toxic environment rn because its people taking their anger out on eachother so im just gonna leave the house today and figure shit out.

The nothing that is the new years eve tomorrow is starting to set in. The fact that nothing matters. The fact that I don't matter. The fact that whatever I do, it'll just be met with failure. The fact that I'm just going to go about the day the same way as always. Crying, isolated, empty.

Am i normal for just, not even feeling remotely okay during this time period? The time period of december, end, finality. The years over. My life when i look back at it feels like an entire blur for a year. Only to go back to it all over again. Friends irl not understanding that i cant be around

Nobody can tell me that I'm not trying my best out here. Sure it's a bad month but I'm doing everything I can. And I've also started to develop the mindset of "If you left me when I'm sad then I don't want you around when I'm happy" because I feel like that's a valid thought to have

I can't sleep. But I also feel confused. I feel like the more I think about it. The more I just.. don't have anyone irl in my life who actually likes me? Like. I don't talk to anyone. Nobody tries to talk to me. Nobody really like, understands me. Am I just.. different? Not good enough?

I spent the first hour of my stream chatting about how i feel in the community and how i feel like i just want acceptance and love and how i was so angry at the world currently, and everyone was so ok with it. I even got everything reciprocated tbh. People felt seen. it was very nice.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people have me muted on my main account and i don't really know how to feel about that tbh

Tonight is basically gonna be me telling myself that "Hey, its okay, you can do it, its fine. People like you, its ok" And just really keeping that thought in my head, because realistically i like, am, liked. and sometimes days are just bad and sometimes you have the weird inconsistency of things

Yea, I guess this was my lowest viewing stream in god knows how long. Literally almost single digits. But I enjoyed kaizo, and I got nice new reky NSFW out of it. So it's actually kinda okay and I feel fine. I feel like knowing my peers in streaming like me and knowing that they root for me..

My therapist and I talked a lot about accountability today and how I need to take the accountability in how i feel and use it to very very slowly work towards defeating the thoughts in my head. It makes sense that the only way I can feel like not being an outcast is to.. actively participate.

I just want to be part of something.

im so scared people will leave me.

I am debating making a post on my public BSKY regarding how I just want to feel like the people around me are actually proud of me because I never feel like I belong and I just want my peers to feel proud of me for what I've done. And I'm also just, crashing out. But I just want respect ig.

Does anyone even give a shit if i stream anymore like am i just straight up constantly meant to be the outcast and unappreciated 24/7 im just consistently disliked everywhere i go

Am I just a bad friend? Is this what I'm going to keep telling myself all throughout December lmao

Just every single year I am crashing the fuck out and no ounce of it is any better. Things are fine! Im okay! But I'm freaking the fuck out. I'm hyperventilating. I don't know what it is. I don't know what causes it. But every single time at the end of the year I am an absolute wreck.

I keep doing this shit all the time at the same fucking time at the same time of the year.

My therapist told me that eventually if I keep not showing up or wanting to do things then nobody is going to ask me. But I guess it's true. I just wish I had something. It's always something. Today I didn't want to go anywhere because of the snow and it was freezing. It feels like an excuse

I feel like shit. I think it's because I am tired. In an effort to try and fix a sleep schedule, but wow do I feel like uhhhhhh not good. I already kinda didn't do anything because of the snow, but I feel like I still should have went. Everyone else went. But I didn't go. Why am I so complicated

My purpose in life is to be used and then thrown away

Fucking, finally. The wave of unfollows on twitch stopped. I lost a good 20-30 people and I really thought it was gonna be just endless. I normally don't care, but going for a goal and then just having you go back to square 1 20 times was a lot. i just had a lot of fun today. so much fun really.

Today felt like a very useless day and I kinda feel really shit and I kinda am trying to avoid a depressive slump but holy shit was today such a nothing day after all of that. I just genuinely feel really bad lol.

Literally having 3 hours of my time just, gone, really trook the fucking wind out of me. I just straight up do not feel good.

Genuinely sad how I've all but confirmed some stuff that's been going on and it just kinda sucks. It's the most unfortunate feelings you can have but all you can do is keep going tbh. To push through the fear and keep pushing regardless of what one may feel. To continue doing and being you

Genuinely going mad but also genuinely not understanding how or why my twitch has stagnated so badly. It's genuinely frustrating.

Today feels like a day in which the entire world is on pause or I am basically invisible today.

I feel like I haven't really deserved what I have earned and I think today I'll take that time to deconstruct that and see if that really makes sense or not. Even at my own job I don't feel like it's earned

Today feels a lot like a "I will immediately just check out and not interact with anything" day because I genuinely feel like there is no point yes

I should note that I'm not upset about streaming or anything I just feel like I'm so tired that I genuinely have the ick (also like probably physically sick too tbh)

Streamed way past what i thought was ok, really fucked me up. God I hope my job approves my vacation. This week really fucked me up. I think I need extra sleep or something because I do not feel good at all.

But what if instead I just thought people disliked me. I just like. Did what I usually do and send stickers and be cat coded and just told people I appreciate them because as much as I tell myself to do more, that's just what I do at the end of the day. I'm full of love and want to share it

It's been really hard for me to try and talk to my friends again as friends because I feel like I've hurt them so much that they probably don't even want to really talk to me that much anymore and it just kinda sucks. Maybe it's the long work week and lack of sleep that I feel so defeated about it

I like. Really want to go on vacation. Working a 10 hour shift is not it folks. And then after that I have to go back less than 12 hours later. Even if it's just for 3 hours of work, I still hate it. I wanna sleep. I also feel my body just kinda like, not.. cooperating rn and I'm just zzz

Today i actually forgot to change my follower notification to match the new name, but it absolutely felt like I was much more comfortable when i figured it out, like. I was able to just stream and not know if anyone followed or anything, and it helped with my psyche a lot. It made me feel more

Its just so hard to run a discord server tbh. I feel like my server is so dead, and idk what to really even do about that. 273 people and the server is like, all over the place. its just so hard, how do i even do that?

I'm trying to teach myself to let my guard down and just let go of the worrying and almost just constantly asking if I'm too much or if my friends like me lately. I really am trying to take thoughts that come up late at night and even throw it away. It's really fucking hard ngl.

When im not streaming to fucking 8037489327u98 different noises that can appear at once I genuinely feel so much better. I want my vnyan stuff, but my god my mental state was so much less "I'm waiting for the noises" and more for "I'm just hanging out with people" and it was so much better.