made soy sauce eggs today, im trying to cultivate a spirit of patience through marinating foods and not cursing out people i dislike

every now and then the nightmares remind me that i lost friends of years and none of them sought me out to check in or ask clarification or anything, that i just got progressively ignored more until i decided to abandon it all it haunts me, yet i cant do anything about it

today i spoke to my - mildly estranged - mother about migraines and the sympathy and understanding made me realize that i could have been receiving that my whole life if i would have simply learned how to communicate it instead of stonefacing it a win for the future, a loss for the past

i really need to learn how to read academia better, i always feel very embarrassed when i need to read something written by someone who put their heart into writing and/or researching it only to get stumped because of how dense it is does anyone have any advice for that?

intense storms are a nightmare with migraines, it feels like a part of me is being scooped out - i had a couple hours of decent functionality but now im glued to my couch and truly just doomed the human body is tragically designed

#poetry #rainspoetry a couple not quite worth posting individually

it’s hard to be grateful i know i should be happy that i can eat today, that i have drinkable water - neither of those things have been a guarantee in my life i wish it would satisfy me to know that and feel at peace and continue on, it feels greedy to desire more

the problem with trying to help people is that i cant let myself be a hypocrite and so i end up with days like today where i try to put in the effort im encouraging someone else to put in and then i cant take it or afford anything to take the edge off and i feel like charred remains of a person

anxiety lingers in my heart as a mass of sounds and tastes and smells and touches that i remember and when something pushes it to the top i cant stop remembering them all and i feel like a cornered animal

I forgot that I have the ability to write multiple things in one setting - I feel inspired to write something gritty and action-filled, and I realize I can put it in the past of my more dramatic and thoughtful and ‘modern’ setting

kindness isn’t always free, but it takes so little on the average day - nonetheless i wish it took nothing, that my heart had room to give it to everyone who needs it, that everyone who needs a little push or boost or praise could receive it, that the world could be a bit warmer

the hardest thing to hone is 'intuition', but its so precious when you can - your body, muscle and nerve and grey matter, they want to remember things, want to know things by heart, and once you've made something yours, it leads you cooking by intuition has led me bad places, but mostly good ones

‘seven color dew’ - is all dew seven shades, false or true? #poetry #rainspoetry

i need a pinned here so im reposting an old poem

'Guilt' is an ironic thing, to me. Often, I say I don't experience it - I am rarely 'guilty' over things other people are, I try to live with few regrets and face forward. Yet, I am hypocritically chained by a sense of guilt when my body gives in, when I cannot be strong enough.

there is something bizarrely magical about these energy drinks my partner got me, the worst headache ive gotten with one was after hours of binging genshin impact and otherwise every single time it makes my migraine symptoms vanish or feel borderline meaningless???

what i love about basic carbs like bread and pasta and rice is that as long as i can stomach food at all - not always a given, but most of the time - i can eat them a bowl of pasta or rice is thoughtless, a few slices of wonderbread can keep me going its not healthy, but its what i can handle

the fact that it took someone on here pointing it out by grouping with them to realize having debilitating migraines weekly is a condition and not just part of life is probably a bad sign for my ability to recognize patterns, especially when some people never get them at all

barely any progress today, but i settled on a 'starting' name for one character and am writing a small scene to set the tone of appalachiaslop Ruby Norn Underwood, who is totally cisgender and extroverted and not at all crushed by parental expectations (lol)

i feel like its a bit stereotypical to listen to 'imaginary appalachia' while writing appalachian fantasy, but my ability to find music that fits the vibe i like is so abysmal that its all i can find that fits, ive been looping 'sleeping on the blacktop' a lot

the tone of my day was just set when my father looked me in the eyes and told me bluntly about his arrangements because he is unsure of how long he is going to live with the stresses and medical issues he currently has i hope he lives long, but that was depressing nonetheless

i dont know how many 'i just need to survive' i have left in me, but until i run out, its the only thing that can calm me down when i get flooded with bad news and delays and setbacks

hastily jotting down 'small appalachian critter tail' in my character notes for the character whose progression is centered around rejecting societal expectations and becoming an increasingly esoteric girlthing monster

one thing i want to be able to convey with my writing is 'value' - that one person can see a prison and another a paradise, that one person's suffering is not always another's, that home is to many people vastly different

i've devised a new contraption which i call "the pear wiggler but for good girls" and its like the pear wiggler but instead of pears its plushies and the good girl in question gets put in the middle of it and jostled around in a warm and cozy plushie paradise

the warmth of a comforter and blanket is really nice after surviving a headache for several hours, the pain is still present and dulling my thoughts but the physical comfort is keeping it down enough coziness is justice

one of my most backhanded talents due to my asthma and headaches is an uncanny ability to predict the weather - i can always tell when rain is coming, because my head congests to a near-unbearable degree my nose, having been broken in a fist fight and never fixed, doesn't like this very well

I hope to create a world where readers will be so engaged with the setting and characters that they read dialogue that includes words like “holler” and “dangunnit” and still choose to continue reading and imagining the speakers as intelligent and emotionally capable characters

got a bit of work on the foundations of my ‘appalachiaslop’, but it’s still very crude and a work in progress - i need to soak deep in the bones of it, look up at the stars and cackle, to take a bit of my soul and burn it into the text

ive been trying to work on my endurance by doing occasional workouts of fifteen pounds and fifteen reps, but my body is so unused to it that i just almost started crying subconsciously when doing shoulder presses from how much it took out of me

for a lot of my life, i associated houses with two states - filthy, covered in unnecessary clutter and suffocating, and overly clean, almost clinical and middle-class in a way that left me feeling vulnerable and filthy by comparison

i love hobbit holes a lot, tolkien really did cook when it comes to them - they have the same comfort as a well-decorated, cluttered trailer, a cozy slice of the world marked sacred by mundanity and secure by its lack of room, a place to hide and warm and curl up

a quest in a gacha game was so good that i actually got inspired and have a solid idea for writing my appalachiaslop now, i just need to curate music and aesthetics to immerse myself and find the time and energy to write

lunch - as blasphemous as it probably is, I cut up sirloin to fry with white mushrooms, while the mixed veggies are added when served because my father has no teeth

the devil went down to georgia is such a perfect example of what being american could mean in a better world - the confidence to take on the temptations of the devil and crush them head on with the beauty of pure skill and dedication to your craft

washing a bowl at my sink while like this was unusual - it felt like watching a video of someone doing it, but as if every sense was recreated, not just sight like the water felt hot, the bowl felt solid, but i wasnt really there and so even if i burnt my hand or dropped the bowl, it didnt matter

how much force do you need to bite your own tongue off?

the brain is such a fascinatingly flawed product, but i often wonder if my particular defects are natural or due to the injuries i received as a child dissociative episodes, manic episodes, inability to focus, inexpressiveness, migraines, jumbled sense of pain, anxiety, intrusive thoughts

i wonder if, right now, i could manifest hidden strength my sense of pain is there but completely dysfunctional, almost like laughing gas, so it makes me wonder if i could produce a level of strength my body usually does not produce because of fear of harming itself isnt that an odd sensation?

moments of non-migraine dizziness like im experiencing right now are a weirdly meditative experience most of the time - i feel as if my world is frighteningly clumsy, oppressively quiet and very slow, so i have a strong sense of clarity i am in a state of existent nonexistence right now

im kind of like if they made a fisher cat into a girl in that life has tried to skin me into extinction but now im everyones problem and nothing has managed to kill me yet

sometimes i wonder if i would prosper in a healthier environment, if my struggles are exterior, or if im simply not very capable when it comes to some things it took me an extra year to graduate with an associates degree in my field and i cheated a lot and still barely passed

a friend going through some stuff just hurled in call while sobbing and i cant get the sound out of my head, its destroying my heart - the sound of someones anxiety and stress and pain reaching a level where they do that, the involuntary nature of it, it won't get out of my brain

working out always leaves me filling so alive, whenever i can actually get the workout done - i end up fatigued, often shaking and out of breath and exhausted to the bone, but it is a pain born of my own choices and which empowers me its so different from the pains inflicted by life unfairly

im starting to grow more used to the weight im using, twenty pounds on each dumbbell, but im still not strong enough to handle it casually - my fingers go numb, my heart accelerates, my breath scatters, and i still find myself swung around by them if i lose focus

one theme i want to portray in my writing is that the mud of toxicity and oppression and malice can be wiped away by acts of sincerity, by home-cooked meals and art and kindness, by thoughtfulness, the things some people take for granted and that everyone deserves to experience

my soul feels crushed at the simplest of things my mother came into money recently - my grandmothers life insurance - and today she brought us groceries, pounds of meat and potatoes and even a few luxuries like cream cheese, and i was so happy

one trait ive had that people struggle handling is my perception and fixation on time - i need my own time, i cant let it be muddled by a need to do something or join something in 'a couple hours', im extremely prickly about it and when im in my time, im hard to deal with and easily stressed

what does 'humanity' mean beyond 'homo sapiens'? is it our social nature? our mortality? any shared connections among the majority of our species? what measure is 'inhumanity'? how does one become 'inhuman' - is it simply anything that changes your shared experience? can humans be inhuman?