If you ever notice that I’ve gone 5 hours without skeeting, I’ve been taken

If Karoline Leavitt was a woman she’d be Stephen Miller

Wake the fuck up already.

If I’m not your first I’ll be your last.

I call her my little English muffin because of her nooks and crannies.

Halle Berry is short for Hallelujah Strawberry. The more you know.

Ok. You have my permission. Not that you needed it.

My rescue doggo and her heated blanket, part one.

-Dentist: "You're brushing your teeth wrong" -Nutritionist: "You're eating wrong" -Parents: “You're living wrong" -Liquor Store Clerk: "Excellent choice”

Can’t sleep too excited to see which dishwasher pod is in my advent calendar today

my demons would like to ask your demons for a dance

logging off *plugs phone in

*crans your berry

The wax lips stay on during sex

Managed to get a good four hours of yawning last night.

oh you love gazing at the stars in the night sky? let me pull them down so they can whimper their names in my ear as i extinguish them, one by one

What's your favourite petrochemical? Your mum's is Vaseline.

i never stopped being scared. i just stopped letting being scared stop me

I’ve only cried like 5 times already today so I’m pretty sure I will totally handle getting on the plane tomorrow with ease

OnlyFans but it’s just me trying to catch the neighborhood cats on my Ring Camera Except I’m too poor to pay to store the videos so I can only catch it when the cats “go live”

young dolphins provoke pufferfish to release a toxin and then pass the pufferfish among themselves, chewing on it to cause a trance-like, narcotic effect and i am now madly in love with dolphins

Fuck your paywall / post for free like the rest of us here

sprinkling some Veruca Salt over your headphones

Getting older means having random pains that could be something serious but probably aren’t but you never know.

I am so desperate for people to think I’m funny that I’m posting this in hopes you will all laugh and validate my humor even though this isn’t funny at all oh god I’m a failure

The easiest way to cheer me up is tell me that they were drinking the coffee when they did it

my reply guy would like to challenge your reply guy to a duel

Christmas time is family time

don’t “bro” me before you know me bitch

It's not my fault, the nyquil told me it was funny.

Alexa, put all of my money in advent calendars. idc what the market says

Interviewer: license and registration Me: wtf

I saw a TikTok and the guy was trying to help people find their past lives. I was thinking, man if I’ve been here before I would be so mad. Then I realized maybe I have been here before and that would explain a lot.

He’s a 10, but he’s a he

the only gang i run with are the voices in my head and occasionally the muppets

Advent calendar full of empty cubbies

I lost my shit so long ago that I’m not sure I could even identify it in a lineup.

Becoming that weird guy who you whisper about to your coworkers

my advent calendar

I hardened myself and my heart to save what’s left of my life. What u are witnessing now is the thaw

as a friend, I'd love to see your thirst trap

Need one of those jobs where, if I am a huge failure, they pay me $50 million to leave. CEO, football coach. I'll do any of 'em just to get fired.

maybe she's born with it maybe it's tardive dyskinesia

advent calendar of unaccomplished new year's resolutions

[a raven arrives carrying a tapestry of a penis] [a second raven arrives bearing a message] ha ha sorry was messing with my loom didn't mean to send that [a third raven arrives] unless...?

I showed you my Terms of Service Please respond

be the bitch doing something yourself that you want to see in the world

I keep a live squirrel in my back pocket to throw for when the convo slows down.

an advent calendar but instead of treats your friends pop out and tell you they don’t hate you and they’re not mad at you