Living with a detective is trying at times. Husband: So, What's for dinner? Me: Oh, I went to Kroger and while I was there... Husband: *pulls out notepad* Just the facts, please...

Santa Pick-up line: Hey you wanna see the North Pole?

An email from my Mom: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Public toilet seats are dirty.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “What was it I was doing?” then I’ll be like “Oh yeah I’m driving a car”

Mom: Decorating with the family and listening to holiday music #blessed [Real Life] Mom: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMNED ORNAMENTS AT YOUR SISTER!

Mom: Decorating with the family and listening to holiday music #blessed [Real Life] Mom: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMNED ORNAMENTS AT YOUR SISTER!

Robbed a bank just to hear my husband call me a person of interest.

Me: *admires his calves* Ooohh nice... Him: Do you mind?! Me: Sorry, sorry *admires his piglets instead*

Magician: For my next trick— Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER!!

Just spent like 45 minutes throwing buckets of water on my TV. Turns out, it was on the Yule Log channel

"Hell no, I'm tired. I don't want to do this again today" ~ March of the Wouldn't Soldiers

Remember kids. It's only fun to ride if you jingle ALL the way.

I knew I had gotten too fat when I found three kids tying strings to me at the parade.

Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...

If you don't make him shake his head and regret marrying you at least once per day, you're doing it wrong.

Fun Game: Guess which felonies your local Christmas tree lot helper is wanted for.

Finished making my mistletoe belt.

[At Last Supper] *Jesus raises bread* This is my body... *raises wine* and this is my blood... *pulls out 8 of Clubs from the deck* and this is your card... *Apostles go nuts*

My husband's allowance day: I sprain my wrist furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and yelling "I trust this will suffice."

*knock knock* Me: who's there? Them: Police, open up we want to talk with you Me. How many are you? Them: 2 Me: Then talk to each other...

It really sucks when you can't move forward, won't go back, and you don't want to stay where you are. I hate parallel parking.

My super power is being attractive and funny. Just kidding. I'm not funny.

I hate it when people steal quotes from movies. It makes me angry, and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don't want myself to know about.

Texts from your dentist: 1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment 2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment! 3. I miss us lol 4. You're just gonna ignore me? lol. I've been in your mouth.

My Sister: *standing on the edge of a bridge* I have nothing to live for! Don’t come any closer or I’ll jump! Police: *on bullhorn* What about your cat? We brought him to see you, sending him in now. *cat slowly pushes her off bridge*

I only had one beer cupcake, may I call you cupcake? No? Okay... I only had one beer officer

So what if you can jog 10 miles without throwing up? I can make vulgar jokes and put my fist in my mouth, so I think we all know who Miss Congeniality really is.

How much do I like coffee? I like it a latte! HAHAHA! That was stupid.

Remember, kids: If you ever catch on fire 1) Open the door 2) Get on the floor 3) Everybody walk the dinosaur.

My husband told me he wants to see other people. So I let him open the blinds for a little while.

Ladies? When making Thanksgiving dinner, do your giblets end up in the gravy? ....Or do you wear a bra when you cook? ...

This guy who couldn't make up his mind at Starbucks turned around and asked me what he should get, I told him "Out of my way."

Personal Trainer: What are your fitness goals? Me: To be able to see my manhood when I'm standing and looking down. Personal Trainer: Sir, judging by your manhood size, I'm going to need you to stop eating for at least 2 years.

The 2 worst presidents have to be: 1)Trump 45 2)Trump 47

For the first time in recorded history, I now weigh less than my husband. Down to 209lbs. (and it only took a gastric sleeve surgery changed into a gastric bypass, 5 days a week at the gym, a personal trainer, and the max dose of ozempic. Who knew how easy that could be!)

Two horrid facts about aging as a male. 1. You now have boobs. 2. They become saggy enough you can actually motorboat them yourself.

My friend asked me if I was bulimic the other day. I nearly choked on my finger...

It's that time year again where I'm always asked- "Is that a turkey in your pants, or are you Happy to see me?" It's a turkey in my pants.

I just can’t wait for Thanksgiving to get here so I can hear what everyone will say about why they're thankful for me.

I'm trying to be prepared this year so how long do I need to thaw these Hungry Man turkey dinners for?.....