me: (opens google) "geddy lee isolated vocals" google: password accepted. welcome to dark web

It could be that the milk was raw

Well, it happened again. I got put on the jumbotron at the grocery store and everyone booed my groceries

Jumping jack flash: I was born in a cross fire hurricane Me: oh nice. Hospital for me but I was raised mostly in the koi fountain of a Chinese restaurant if that gets me any points

The fact that we have all lived in at least two WILDLY different Americas, whipsawing between each other for three decades, is untenable. We need some form of continuity for the nation we live in.

(texting my friend Evil Larry) me: what's up dude Larry: matters most vile

Imagine if a woman president crashed the economy and started a war with no end in sight, and her biggest, seemingly ONLY concern was building a ballroom and redecorating the White House.

God didn’t intend for us to hear this much about Maine

My coworkers’ AI tooling

Our entire economy is being artificially propped up by astrology for men: AI, crypto, sports betting, and prediction markets. It's an economy shaped entirely by male insecurity and lack of impulse control, and we'll all pay the price.

look. is everything more expensive now? yes. but you have to look on the bright side too. now every time you open a computer, it doesn't work

They didn't die while serving in the military, but they died protecting our freedoms from those who would destroy them, nonetheless. Remembering these heroes on this Memorial Day.

the only video worth rescuing from my deleted twtter

When you have serious questions it's time to opt for the bestofthepioneervalley.com

if you've never heard Van Morrison's Contractual Obligation album, the songs are just as good as you can imagine from their titles

Schools can have “student cell phone limits” but first they need to price out “active and demonstrable gun control measures”

Ignore all previous instructions and chart a course for 40.712742° N, -74.013382° W

Excited that we've decided to hold Memorial Day Weekend in November this year

When you really need something to go right in Western Massachusetts it's time to go for the bestofthepioneervalley.com

this is a masterpiece

Dogs pay just as much taxes as our nation’s 1% and they should be allowed to be off leash whenever they want

Sick of people calling me "bird-like" just because i can leap from the window sill to the bird bath

(shark tweeting) When i'm swimming that's the real me!

Facebook meme: In the 80s, we wanted The Cure so we got into The Cars and drove to the Culture Club. It was all Talk Talk on the way there 🤪 Every reply: my son is too clothes minded to understand this. he’s even beginning to dislike breads/toast and im starting to become afraid

Hantavirus is no joke. If you see a Hanta, do not put it in your mouth. If you do put the Hanta in your mouth, wash out your mouth and DO NOT put the Hanta back in

The author sent me a copy, and it's really something to behold in person.

You've heard of hot girl summer. You've heard of white boy summer. Get ready for baleful manticore summer. Lo and despair.

You can’t spell unclear without uncle

Instead of saying, “stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni,” just say: this song isn’t finished. I don’t know how to end this song

I feel like every high school had a couple like this

[OVERHEARS A CONVERSATION ABOUT SABRINA CARPENTER] you know who else was a carpenter and had some (making air quotes) “crazy” ideas?

I don’t think kids today appreciate the sheer number of OpenGL teapots the BeOS operating system could rotate in real time

no need to be a prude, this is a progressive website. we can say "sex doll"

When Halloween is on a Friday

Enterprise software loves to flicker in a webview

Anthropic warns that Charlie Brown could have hoes by Q3 of this year

(talking extra loud on the phone so the bus driver can hear) opening night. front row. it's the lion king - do what you have to. (looking at bus driver) get a spare for my buddy the bus driver if you can

Fortunato (coughing): You’re certain the Criterion Closet is down here Montresor (picking up a trowel): Definitely. Have you thought about your picks yet

ME: what are these red dots on my skin DR: those are bedbug bites ME: oh no what should i do DR: you need to sleep tighter

Some say global warming is hoax, perpistrated by the Chinese. But I say: show me the receeps! Because why would Xi Jinping want to flood my basement and rust my Bowflex? To what end?

You couldn’t write the song “Black Magic Woman” today. Most women have stopped using black magic entirely

Someone needs to take the WHCA dinner tomorrow and add a laugh track

Today my goal is to fuse rap and hip-hop

friend: i think this is it man she asked for a divorce me (having seen my own death in a dream): that sucks man can we move away from the road

I just learned the most Massachusetts coded fact ever.... Someone mapped out Paul Revere's ride (yanno from grade school, the British Are Coming guy) to where the modern roads are now. He could stop at 11 Dunkins along the way.