Live comedy gigs this coming week

Fathers for JustEat

The Assassination of My Bank Balance by the Coward Delicious Pints.

Live comedy gigs this coming week

Yes I think I'll have the "what's the story guacamole"

Sad how we live in a world where someone can get paid for an article about how they never wash their bread knife yet nobody will pay for my screenplay Phantom of the Airport (a disfigured man lives in the eaves of Gatwick Airport, visits a flight attendant in her dreams and teaches her to fly 747s).

During my time as an explorer I visited over a thousand islands and almost all of them used the same dressing.

You'd think AI would be smarter considering it has the same initials as Albert Inestein 🙄

He did what now??

Fremen’s reaction to me describing the floor of a South Western train toilet.

Trying to figure out how every scaffolding company in Brighton has access to my self-tape audition calendar.

Turned down the part of Narcissus because I refuse to put on weight for a role

Yes I think I'll have the "what's the story guacamole"

It's not fair to label everyone who paints a red cross on a roundabout a racist or thick. I'm sure plenty of them are both.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of .. *BORAT VOICE* my wife

I've always maintained I've never been hypnotised but then again how do I know

I often think about that Mark Twain quote "comparison becomes the end of joy". Obviously im paraphrasing, he probably put it a lot better

Humans advanced faster due to the evolution of opposable thumbs which enabled them to hitchhike long before other species.

Just watched Nonnas on Netflix and can confirm it passes the bechamel test

I don't like spending time with my grandparents because they remind me of my own mortality. Which I would argue is not dinner table conversation

It's not fair to label everyone who paints a red cross on a roundabout a racist or thick. I'm sure plenty of them are both.

Starting to call closeted homophobes "frenemies of Dorothy"

The trouble with growing up near a light house is I can only get to sleep if the light is on. Then off. Then on.

My mum's a palm reader. She's also dyslexic, so she can tell you your future but not necessarily in the right order

It's taken a lot of discipline and hard work but I've finall got the body of the men you see on the front of magazines *Angling Times

Surf Nazis must die

Enjoying a nice union jack for breakfast before the woke ban it 😡😡😡

If you like drunken noodles you'll LOVE ...

If you like drunken noodles you'll LOVE ...

During his time in the navy my grandad killed over 200 men. A record which in the entire history of the British navy has never been matched by another chef.

After a lot of skepticism I've finally taken people's recommendation to get a mouth guard and I have to say I'm really getting on well with him

Just rewatched the fast and the furious. You couldn't make that today.

Hard times make Hard-Fi

"listen to my body"?? Oh yeah sure, the guy who can't even tell the difference between a fart and a poop ,🙄

I‘ve been cast as Sisyphus in a theatre production! It’s the role of a lifetime.

Lil birdy boy

Lil birdy boy

Or, as PR firms call it, “the Edinburgh Fringe”

😮

I actually wash out and keep all my Gü pots in case of a Signs type scenario

Hey baby I hear the tombs a-callin'...

I don't know how people can get into being a paralegal. It's hard enough practicing law on the ground

Idea for a show: Travelogue in which comedy writers go on an exhaustive journey from TV company to TV company in a bid to convince them that scripted comedy is better than a show about celebrities travelling to Antartica in an Austin Allegro.

The only two genders I recognize

The only two genders I recognize

Seems so fitting that the song that most often gets stuck in my head is Thong Song

Listening to all the sirens blaring through the streets of Brighton after the match it's really heartening to hear British culture is alive and well

Trying to find my inner clown but I daren't look in my inner sewer

Be honest, who actually managed to unlock this character in Goldeneye?

Be honest, who actually managed to unlock this character in Goldeneye?