Aborted workout buddy: we could've been huge...

Pure blue

(Getting hit in the shoulder by a stray bullet) Ah! The three dudes I hired to walk behind me and harmonize all day: (in perfect F major) ₐₕ ah ᵃʰ

Albums I enjoyed this year so far. Mostly unsettling electronic music

Money money money. It's always about money. Doesn't it make you sick Barista: (wearing earbuds, handing me cup of warm milk) you can tap whenever you're ready Me: (deep breath) I'm ready

(immediately after the waiter places an entree in front of my date) Are you gonna finish that

They should make a fast food chain where the workers are allowed to hunt you down but you get to eat for free if you survive

Photos of animals in the snow

Treasure Goblin: (in bed) would you still like me if I didn't drop treasure 🥺 (putting book down) Babe, I love you no matter what's in your loot tables (smile turns mischievous) Enough sad talk. Tickle attack! (high-pitched laughter, gems and ingots start falling out of him)

(Heimdall at 2am three beers in) fuck It let's do ragnarok. where's my horn

(Baby replying to a thread on a modded cribs forum) Wow, that's one hell of a build. Bedtime specs?

If you close your eyes and think about Brazil for long enough you are warped there

Night walk

Please, Scam Likely is my father's name. Call me Prolly

(accidentally misgendering a friend in my head) Sorry, I meant him Friend: it's ok Me: wait, how'd you know (chuckling) Where do you think we are right now? Me: in my mind? But that means that.. Friend: yes, this is a dream Sexy Mario: and in dreams, everything is possible

Turn your friends and even unsuspecting strangers into custom Amiibos with this brand new weapon

Chinatown in the snow

Bandit sprinting towards me: prepare to meet my blade! Me: (haven't talked to a human being in four days) Hello Jello

(trying to get a discount) btw I created you to be the perfect warrior but you were one of my failed experiments and I regretted it ever since Taco Bell cashier: (suppressed memories of his training starting to resurface) I forgive you father...

Walk during today's snowfall, and a snowman my bf and I built

Coworker: (secretly a giant five year old baby) Can someone explain this like I'm five

(kissing your forehead goodnight) And stay down

Commission drawn by @urct.bsky.social 🤍

Walk this afternoon

Messing up a peekaboo and disappearing for real

Clergybros bragging about how many hail marys they can recite in one set

The Lonely Magician: for my next trick I'll need 500 volunteers

Around the house

Drinking a fourth beer in videogames should replace the wobbly screen effect with blood splatters

The Insecure Dentist: Turn your head a little towards me please (quietly) just say that you hate me

(texting you a picture of Frieza using his Death Psycho Bomb attack on Krillin) This could be us but you playin

(scrolling through porn results) Don't care. Inefficient. Won't tip the scales of fate in my favor

Getting a blooper reel when you die but every outtake is you making the correct life decision instead

Spine lights

If you zoom out on google maps and scroll past the ocean there's a bunch more stuff waiting to be discovered

(showing the guy working at the deli counter that I set him as my emergency contact) I would trust you with my life Deli guy: I will protect it as my own

Photos from tonight's walk home

(passive-aggressive akkadian forum moderator) don't make me tap the stele

Me: I feel like you guys only hang out with me because I release gas that gets you high when you squeeze me My friend: (wrapping arm around me a little too tight) what are you talking about lol we love you man His girlfriend: Give him a hug

Lovely walk after the snow

Know how I always have to repeat to you what I tell the nurses? What if they're actually objects turned into people by a wizard but they revert to props when they step outside Doctor: lmao dude Doctor: So any chance you can take that warding amulet off Me: no Doctor: right on

Lovecraft: hey check out these horrors (holds crayon drawing of a big squid) Friend: I don't get it Lovecraft: exactlyyy

They discovered lost media on Mars

Me: I know my rights. I want my phone call (the agents look at each other and reluctantly agree) (dialing sex line number) hey beautiful what r u wearing

Serenity

(twitch streamer on deathbed) my only tier list of regrets is...

(training my kung fu disciple but he's visibly kicking my ass) Too slow. Focus (straight jab in the face) Predictable (getting suplexed) Sloppy

Bounce light / Fire escape

Tennis player that grunts whenever he sends a work email

(calling my lawyer) is horny jail real