The Unger Review
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Satire by Andrew Unger. Home of The Daily Bonnet. ungerreview.com
Mennonite Mom Forces Olympians to Split Medals into Pieces and Share with their Brothers and Sisters
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Mennonite Mom Forces Olympians to Split Medals into Pieces and Share with their Brothers and Sisters
MILAN, ITALY After a thorough investigation, researches have finally uncovered the reason why so many Olympic medals were found to be broken this weekend: Mrs. Esther Brandt of Rosenort. âShe was goin...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-mom-forces-olympians-to-split-medals-into-pieces-and-share-with-their-brothers-and-sisters/
about 20 hours ago
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Just in case Kid Rock was not alternative enough âŠhttps://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-choir-to-perform-at-extra-alternative-halftime-show/
2 days ago
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Mennonite Author Comes Home with Gold Medal in Annual Navel Gazing Competition
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Mennonite Author Comes Home with Gold Medal in Annual Navel Gazing Competition
STEINBACH, MB Local author Joseph Bergmann, 78, has come home with the top prize at the annual Navel Gazing Olympics this week. Bergmann faced stiff competition from a wide range of authors, historian...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-author-comes-home-with-gold-medal-in-annual-navel-gazing-competition/
2 days ago
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Canada to Field Olympic Team Entirely Made Up of Friesens and Froeses
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Canada to Field Olympic Team Entirely Made Up of Friesens and Froeses
MILAN, ITALY The Canadian Olympic committee just announced that the entire team, in every sport, would be made up of Friesens and Froeses. âWhat can I say?â said bobsledder Peter Froese. âWith a name ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/canada-announces-olympic-team-entirely-made-up-of-friesens/
4 days ago
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reposted by
The Unger Review
Andrew Unger
4 days ago
Big news! My new book JUST SATIRE: COMEDY AND COMMENTARY IN AN AGE OF CHAOS is coming soon. Itâs my first work of nonfiction and Iâm excited to share it with you!
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6 days ago
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7 days ago
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Theatres Empty for New Documentary About My Taunte Lina
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Theatres Empty for New Documentary About My Taunte Lina
NEW KLEETHAL, MB Despite a more than $75 million bribe paid to the local farm implements dealership to host the film, the new documentary about my Taunte Lina has proven to be a huge flop. [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/theatres-empty-for-new-documentary-about-my-taunte-lina/
10 days ago
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Premiers Gather in Saskatoon for Annual Crokinole Tournament
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Premiers Gather in Saskatoon for Annual Crokinole Tournament
SASKATOON, SK Canadian provincial and federal leaders showed a united front this afternoon as they gathered in Saskatoon to see who was the better knipser. âOf course, Wab Kinew had a big advantage be...
https://www.ungerreview.com/premiers-gather-in-saskatoon-for-annual-crokinole-tournament/
12 days ago
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Area Man to Pretend Super Bowl Actually Matters to Distract Himself from Everything Else Going On in the World Right Now
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Area Man to Pretend Super Bowl Actually Matters to Distract Himself from Everything Else Going On in the World Right Now
SANTA CLARA, CA Area man Jake Loewen, 41, is really gearing up for the Super Bowl this weekend to distract himself from thinking about all the messed up things that have been going on lately. [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/area-man-pretends-super-bowl-actually-matters-to-distract-himself-from-everything-else-going-on-in-the-world-right-now/
13 days ago
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13 days ago
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Climber Scales Credit Union Building Without Safety Gear
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Climber Scales Credit Union Building Without Safety Gear
STEINBACH, MB World-renowned climber Alex Honnold has just accomplished the greatest feat of his careerâfree soloing the credit union building in Steinbach. âNo one ever thought it could be done,â sai...
https://www.ungerreview.com/climber-scales-101-floor-credit-union-building-without-safety-gear/
14 days ago
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14 days ago
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âUp is Downâ and âDown is Upâ New Report Suggests
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âUp is Downâ and âDown is Upâ New Report Suggests
WASHINGTON, DC A new report out of the nationâs capital this weekend suggests north is south, east is west, and up is down. âRather than burdening each citizen with the arduous task of looking into [....
https://www.ungerreview.com/up-is-down-and-down-is-up-new-report-suggests/
15 days ago
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GTA Prepares for Largest Deposit of Snow Since the Rob Ford Administration
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GTA Prepares for Largest Deposit of Snow Since the Rob Ford Administration
TORONTO, ON Residents of the Greater Toronto Area are bracing themselves for what meteorologists are calling the âlargest accumulation of snow since Rob Ford was around.â âOh, geez, thatâs a lot of sn...
https://www.ungerreview.com/gta-snow-storm/
16 days ago
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Every American School to be Supplied with their Very Own Dairy Cow
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Every American School to be Supplied with their Very Own Dairy Cow
MIAMI, FL After rolling out a test run at primary schools in Miami, Florida this week, the White House announced plans to provide every school in the country with a dairy cow and a Mennonite [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/american-schools-dairy-cow/
17 days ago
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Mennonite Man Gets Standing Ovation in Switzerland
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Mennonite Man Gets Standing Ovation in Switzerland
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND An unexpected speech from the first man to rebaptize someone as an adult, drew a standing ovation at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland this week. âWow, thatâs quite the recept...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-man-gets-standing-ovation-in-switzerland/
19 days ago
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Andrew Unger Gifted Secondhand Nobel Prize for Literature
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Andrew Unger Gifted Secondhand Nobel Prize for Literature
SAUK CENTRE, MN Humorist Andrew Unger drove down to Sauk Centre, Minnesota this afternoon where he was presented with the Nobel Prize for Literature originally given to the great Sinclair Lewis. âItâs...
https://www.ungerreview.com/andrew-unger-gifted-secondhand-nobel-prize-for-literature/
20 days ago
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22 days ago
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Winnipeg Jets Sign Mennonite Senior to Bring Some Youth to the Team
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Winnipeg Jets Sign Mennonite Senior to Bring Some Youth to the Team
WINNIPEG, MB The Winnipeg Jets have signed Mr. Plett, 84, of Bethlehem Place to bring some much needed youth and agility to their aging lineup. âI lot of people canât figure out whatâs gone wrong [......
https://www.ungerreview.com/winnipeg-jets-sign-mennonite-senior-to-bring-some-youth-to-the-team/
22 days ago
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Mennonite Woman Delighted to Receive Slightly Used Nobel Peace Prize
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Mennonite Woman Delighted to Receive Slightly Used Nobel Peace Prize
CORN, OK Area woman Susie Driedger, 73, was delighted to receive a slightly used Nobel Peace Prize this week, which she plans to shred into pieces and use as a Brillo pad. âIt has hardly [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-woman-delighted-to-receive-slightly-used-nobel-peace-prize/
23 days ago
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New Season of âHeated Rivalryâ to Feature Manitobaâs Top Crokinole Players
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New Season of 'Heated Rivalry' to Feature Manitoba's Top Crokinole Players
ALTONA, MB Producers of the hit TV romance Heated Rivalry have already announced a change for season twoârather than a romance between two hockey players, the next season will feature two of Manitobaâ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/new-season-of-heated-rivalry-to-feature-manitobas-top-crokinole-players/
24 days ago
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New âImport Storeâ to Sell Bland Canadian Food in Mexico
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New 'Import Store' to Sell Bland Canadian Food in Mexico
CUAUHTEMOC, MEXICOÂ Inspired by all the Mexican import stores that have peppered the Canadian prairies, local entrepreneur Lenny Wiens has decided to return the favour and âbring the flavourless wonde...
https://www.ungerreview.com/new-import-store-to-sell-bland-canadian-food-in-mexico/
25 days ago
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McDonaldâs Installs New Extra Uncomfortable Furniture to Prevent Mennonite Men from Sitting Around All Day Drinking Coffee
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McDonald's Installs New Extra Uncomfortable Furniture to Prevent Mennonite Men from Sitting Around All Day Drinking Coffee
ALTONA, MB Area man Albert Plett, 51, smashed the record at his local McDonaldâs restaurant this week by becoming the first person ever to make it through five McNuggets and a handful of fries without...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mcdonalds-installs-new-extra-uncomfortable-furniture-to-prevent-mennonite-men-from-sitting-around-all-day-drinking-coffee/
27 days ago
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Steinbach Mayor Wins Grand Slam of Butchering
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Steinbach Mayor Wins Grand Slam of Butchering
STEINBACH, MB After fierce competition all week, Steinbach mayor Earl Funk came home with gold medal in the Grand Slam of Butchering this week. âHis farmer sausages in the 8th end were what really did...
https://www.ungerreview.com/steinbach-mayor-wins-grand-slam-of-butchering/
28 days ago
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Hutterite Womenâs Hockey Team Totally Destroys Slumping Winnipeg Jets
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Hutterite Women's Hockey Team Totally Destroys Slumping Winnipeg Jets
WINNIPEG, MB By the time the first period was over, the Hutterite Womenâs Hockey Team were already up eight nothing on the slumping Winnipeg Jets. âIâve never seen anything like it,â said Jets forward...
https://www.ungerreview.com/hutterite-womens-hockey-team-totally-destroys-winnipeg-jets/
about 1 month ago
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Mennonites Really Disappointed with Philip Yantsied
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Mennonites Really Disappointed with Philip Yantsied
ALTONA, MB Influential author Philip Yantsied resigned his position this week after his moral failings were revealed. The news hit hard particularly in the Mennonite communities. âIâm saddened by the ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonites-really-disappointed-with-philip-yantsied/
about 1 month ago
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Zwaagstra Vows to Continue Goertzenâs Legacy of Giving Andrew Unger Plenty of Material
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Zwaagstra Vows to Continue Goertzenâs Legacy of Giving Andrew Unger Plenty of Material
STEINBACH, MB Mere seconds after longtime Steinbach MLA Kelvin Goertzen announced his retirement, Steinbach deputy mayor Michael Zwaagstra announced his intention to run, saying he wants to continue G...
https://www.ungerreview.com/zwaagstra-vows-to-continue-goertzens-legacy-of-giving-andrew-unger-plenty-of-material/
about 1 month ago
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about 1 month ago
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US Troops Accidentally Seize One of Those Oil and Vinegar Tasting Rooms
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US Troops Accidentally Seize One of Those Oil and Vinegar Tasting Rooms
GOESSEL, KS Rural Kansasâs most popular oil and vinegar tasting room was accidentally seized this weekend as the Trump administration tries to regain control over the hemisphereâs most precious commod...
https://www.ungerreview.com/us-troops-accidentally-seize-one-of-those-oil-and-vinegar-tasting-rooms/
about 1 month ago
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about 1 month ago
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7 Things Mennonites Are Allowed to Waste Money On
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7 Things Mennonites Are Allowed to Waste Money On
When it comes to spending, Mennonites are a frugal bunch. Despite the fact many Mennonites have done well for themselves economically, theyâre not the type to flaunt their wealth. You wonât see a Menn...
https://www.ungerreview.com/things-mennonites-are-allowed-to-waste-money-on/
about 1 month ago
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Winkler, Manitoba Officially Has More Mexican Restaurants than People
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Winkler, Manitoba Officially Has More Mexican Restaurants than People
WINKLER, MB According to new census figures that were just released today, the city of Winkler in southern Manitoba now has more Mexican restaurants than people. At just over 14,000 Mexican restaurant...
https://www.ungerreview.com/winkler-manitoba-officially-has-more-mexican-restaurants-than-people/
about 1 month ago
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Mennonite Man Impressed with Such Large Portions of Such Poor Quality Food
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Mennonite Man Impressed with Such Large Portions of Such Poor Quality Food
AYLMER, ON Area man Garry Kehler, 57, was very impressed with the huge portions of grisly disgusting âbeefâ he received at his favourite local diner Daveâs Feeding Trough. âNobody else is doing portio...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-man-impressed-with-such-large-portions-of-poor-quality-food/
about 1 month ago
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Dunkers Switch to Pouring After Water Main Break in Calgary
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Dunkers Switch to Pouring After Water Main Break in Calgary
CALGARY, AB All 7 Mennonite Brethren churches in Calgary have changed their mode of baptism this week after a main break significantly reduced water supply in the city. âWeâre just doing our part,â sa...
https://www.ungerreview.com/dunkers-switch-to-pouring-water-main-break-calgary/
about 1 month ago
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Mennonites Really Excited for Tonightâs Golden Globe Awards
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Mennonites Really Excited for Tonight's Golden Globe Awards
ABBOTSFORD, BC While Hollywood gathers to dress up nice and congratulate itself, Russian Mennonites across North America are going to be celebrating their own Golden Globe Awards tonight. The Mennonit...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonites-really-excited-tonights-golden-globe-awards/
about 1 month ago
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Arts Center to be Renamed âTrump Putin Epstein Tech Bros Robert E. Lee FIFA Gulf of America Kennedy Centerâ
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Arts Center to be Renamed 'Trump Putin Epstein Tech Bros Robert E. Lee FIFA Gulf of America Kennedy Center'
WASHINGTON, DC In what critics are calling the âmost tasteful renaming of a major American cultural institution in decades,â the Kennedy Center in Washington announced this week that theyâd prefer it ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/arts-center-to-be-renamed-trump-putin-epstein-tech-bros-robert-e-lee-fifa-gulf-of-america-kennedy-center/
about 1 month ago
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American Navy to Blockade Saskatchewan Oil Tankers
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American Navy to Blockade Saskatchewan Oil Tankers
REGINA, SK Millions of Americans have signed a petition urging the White House to blockade and seize, if necessary, all oil tankers in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan. âWe need to immediately se...
https://www.ungerreview.com/american-navy-to-blockade-saskatchewan-oil-tankers/
about 1 month ago
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about 2 months ago
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Mennonite Church Under Fire After Releasing Heavily Redacted Church Bulletin
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Mennonite Church Under Fire After Releasing Heavily Redacted Church Bulletin
EPSTEINBACH, MB A local Mennonite church is facing a lot of criticism this week after the Sunday bulletin was released in a heavily redacted form. âAll 4 pages were blacked out,â said Mrs. Loewen, who...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-church-under-fire-after-releasing-heavily-redacted-church-bulletin/
about 2 months ago
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Amish Village Wows Guests with Annual Christmas Light Display
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Amish Village Wows Guests with Annual Christmas Light Display
INTERCOURSE, PA Thousands of visitors flocked to Intercourse this week to witness the most magical display of Christmas lights ever seen in an Amish village. âI think the Kauffmans lit a candle this y...
https://www.ungerreview.com/amish-village-wows-guests-with-annual-christmas-lights-display/
about 2 months ago
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Mennonite Woman Seeks Treatment for Her Hallmark Christmas Movie Addiction
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Mennonite Woman Seeks Treatment for Her Hallmark Christmas Movie Addiction
SASKATOON, SK Mrs. Martens of Saskatoon has been checked in a rehab facility this week after it was discovered that she has been doing nothing but eating popcorn and watching terribly-acted predictabl...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-woman-seeks-treatment-for-her-hallmark-christmas-movie-addiction/
about 2 months ago
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Staunch Leftist Destroys Capitalism Aboard $60 Million Private Jet
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Staunch Leftist Destroys Capitalism Aboard $60 Million Private Jet
BOSTON, MA Renowned anarcho-syndicalist and fierce critic of American foreign policy, professor Noam Chomsky has disclosed his newest and most effective strategy to destroy capitalismâbeing whisked aw...
https://www.ungerreview.com/anarchist-noam-chomsky/
about 2 months ago
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Eating a Blizzard in a blizzard.
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about 2 months ago
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How to Be a Performative Mennonite Male in 5 Easy Steps
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How to Be a Performative Mennonite Male in 5 Easy Steps
If you want to attract a Mennonite woman, say at CMU or SBC or CBC or Goshen College or FPU, etc. there are just a few things youâre going to need. Carney Called Out for [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/how-to-be-a-performative-mennonite-male-in-5-easy-steps/
about 2 months ago
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Single Snowflake Causes Vancouver Schools to Shut Down for âSnow Dayâ
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Single Snowflake Causes Vancouver Schools to Shut Down for 'Snow Day'
VANCOUVER, BC The discovery of a single solitary snowflake in the Vancouver suburb of Burnaby this Monday, forced schools across the region to shut down. The sighting was reported early Monday morning...
https://www.ungerreview.com/single-snowflake-causes-vancouver-schools-shut-snow-day/
about 2 months ago
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Liberals Just One Mennonite MP Away from Majority Government
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Liberals Just One Mennonite MP Away from Majority Government
OTTAWA, ON With several defections in the last few weeks, the Liberals are now just Mennonite MP away from a majority government and, of course, theyâre looking for MPs who might be receptive to cross...
https://www.ungerreview.com/liberals-one-seat-away-from-majority/
about 2 months ago
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Untimely Victory Throws Jets Off Pace of Being Just as Pathetic as Vancouver by Christmas
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Untimely Victory Throws Jets Off Pace of Being Just as Pathetic as Vancouver by Christmas
WINNIPEG, MB A shocking 5-1 win over Washington last night has really put a damper on the Winnipeg Jetsâ plan of being at least as bad as Vancouver by Christmas. âWeâre going to have to [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/untimely-win-throws-jets-off-goal-of-being-as-pathetic-as-vancouver/
about 2 months ago
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Foreign Visitors Scramble to Erase âUnger Reviewâ from Phone Before Entering the US
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Foreign Visitors Scramble to Erase âUnger Reviewâ from Phone Before Entering the US
WASHINGTON, DC Calling the website âfar too sassy,â the US government announced this week theyâd be checking the phones of foreign visitors to see if they had ever liked an Unger Review post. âWe donâ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/foreign-visitors-scramble-to-erase-unger-review-from-phone-before-entering-the-us/
about 2 months ago
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Kirk Cameron Reaffirms Belief in âEternal Conscious Tormentâ After Sitting Through One of His Own Movies
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Kirk Cameron Reaffirms Belief in âEternal Conscious Tormentâ After Sitting Through One of His Own Movies
NASHVILLE, TN Former 1980s sitcom star-turned-Christian apologist Kirk Cameron made headlines this week after questioning whether Hell is eternal. âBut then I watched one of my own movies,â said Camer...
https://www.ungerreview.com/kirk-cameron-reaffirms-belief-in-eternal-conscious-torment-after-sitting-through-one-of-his-own-movies/
2 months ago
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