The Unger Review
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Satire by Andrew Unger. Home of The Daily Bonnet. ungerreview.com
Mennonite Man âCrosses the Floorâ to Join the Lutherans
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Mennonite Man âCrosses the Floorâ to Join the Lutherans
OTTAWA, ON Â Although itâs controversial in some circles, itâs been part of the Anabaptist system, and the Protestant system more generally, for centuries â crossing the floor. Whenever a church member...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-man-crosses-the-floor-to-join-the-lutherans/
1 day ago
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Mennonite Teens Keep Yelling â606â in Sunday School
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Mennonite Teens Keep Yelling â606â in Sunday School
WATERLOO, ON Itâs perhaps thr most annoying trend to hit Sunday school this year, as Mennonite middle schoolers keep yelling âSIX-oh-sixâ at every opportunity. âThere I am trying to tell them about th...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-teens-keep-yelling-606-in-sunday-school/
3 days ago
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White House Reassures Mennonites New Ballroom Wonât Be Used for Dancing
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White House Reassures Mennonites New Ballroom Won't Be Used for Dancing
WASHINGTON, DC Desperate the quell a rising tide of angry Mennonite voters, the White House clarified this afternoon that the new ballroom would not be used for dancing. âOnly faspas and quilt auction...
https://www.ungerreview.com/white-house-reassures-mennonites-new-ballroom-wont-be-used-for-dancing/
5 days ago
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Lodged Perogy Costs Blue Jays World Series
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Lodged Perogy Costs Blue Jays World Series
TORONTO, ON The L.A. Dodgers are thanking a Mennonite baseball fan this week for dropping his delicious cottage cheese perogy into the outfield, which cost the Toronto Blue Jays a potential series-win...
https://www.ungerreview.com/lodged-perogy-costs-blue-jays-world-series/
6 days ago
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Mennonites Refuse to Watch âWorldly Seriesâ
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Mennonites Refuse to Watch 'Worldly Series'
ST. JACOBS, ON Thousands of Mennonites in southern Ontario have refused to join in on the festivities this evening after local pastors preached vehemently against the âWorldly Seriesâs this past Sunda...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonites-refuse-to-watch-worldly-series/
7 days ago
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Man Who Canât Name a Single Player Really Rooting for the Blue Jays Tonight
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Man Who Canât Name a Single Player Really Rooting for the Blue Jays Tonight
TORONTO, ON Area man Larry Enns, 51, normally swears off sports completely, but for some reason is really into the Blue Jays this evening. âIâll be on the edge of my seat,â said Enns. âRance [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/man-who-cant-name-a-single-player-really-rooting-for-the-blue-jays-tonight/
8 days ago
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Yup. đ
9 days ago
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Danielle Smith Adds Canadian Constitution to Albertaâs Banned Books List
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Danielle Smith Adds Canadian Constitution to Albertaâs Banned Books List
EDMONTON, AB Alberta Premier Danielle Smith held a massive bonfire outside the provincial legislative building this week to destroy any remaining copies of the Constitution of Canada. âHad my goons fi...
https://www.ungerreview.com/danielle-smith-adds-canadian-constitution-to-albertas-banned-books-list/
10 days ago
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In Honour of Blue Jays, Mennonite Pastor to Preach Epic 18-Inning Sermon this Sunday
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In Honour of Blue Jays, Mennonite Pastor to Preach Epic 18-Inning Sermon this Sunday
LEAMINGTON, ON Pastor Dave of South Leamington Mennonite Church is gearing up for his longest sermon yet this upcoming Sunday. âYou canât say I didnât warn you,â said Pastor Dave, âbut those Blue Jays...
https://www.ungerreview.com/in-honour-of-blue-jays-mennonite-pastor-to-preach-18-inning-sermon-this-sunday/
11 days ago
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Abbotsford Woman Blamed for All This Rain in Winnipeg
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Abbotsford Woman Blamed for All This Rain in Winnipeg
ABBOTSFORD, BC Abbotsford woman Stephanie Friesen has come under a hailstorm of controversy this week after apparently bringing the west coastâs rainy weather with her to Winnipeg. âI havenât used an ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/abbotsford-woman-blamed-for-all-this-rain-in-winnipeg/
12 days ago
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13 days ago
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Ford Demands Blue Jays Throw World Series in Effort to Repair Canada-US Relations
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Ford Demands Blue Jays Throw World Series in Effort to Repair Canada-US Relations
TORONTO, ON After an apparent gaff in running an ad that accurately represented Ronald Reaganâs views on tariffs, Ontario Premier Doug Ford is now asking the Blue Jays to âlet them have this one,â in ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/blue-jays-to-throw-world-series-in-effort-to-repair-canada-us-relations/
14 days ago
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Approaching Cop Car Turns Out to Be Just a Guy with a Ski Rack
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Approaching Cop Car Turns Out to Be Just a Guy with a Ski Rack
AIRDRIE, AB Area man Jeremy Goerzen, 41, slowed way down on Highway 2 near Balzac this week as he saw what he believed was a cop approaching in the distance. âOh, jeez, better ease off [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/approaching-cop-car-turns-out-to-be-just-a-guy-with-a-ski-rack/
16 days ago
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16 days ago
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Thieves Steal âMennonite Crown Jewelsâ in Brazen Daytime Heist
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Thieves Steal âMennonite Crown Jewelsâ in Brazen Daytime Heist
WINKLER, MBÂ Â Winkler, Manitoba, often called the Paris of the Pembina Valley, was the victim of a brazen daytime heist this week after balaclava-donning thieves on dirt bikes took off with Mrs. Reime...
https://www.ungerreview.com/thieves-steal-mennonite-crown-jewels-in-brazen-daytime-heist/
18 days ago
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19 days ago
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21 days ago
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Andrew Unger Sues Time Magazine for Extremely Unflattering Cover Photo
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Andrew Unger Sues Time Magazine for Extremely Unflattering Cover Photo
NEW YORK, NY Calling it the âworst photo of all time,â Mennonite satirist Andrew Unger is now suing Time Magazine for the weird low angle shot they used on a recent cover. âI donât mind [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/andrew-unger-sues-time-magazine-for-extremely-unflattering-cover-photo/
22 days ago
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Mennonite Man Mistakes Huge Miriam Toews Crowd for Billy Graham Crusade
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Mennonite Man Mistakes Huge Miriam Toews Crowd for Billy Graham Crusade
WINNIPEG, MB Mr. David Kehler of Kleefeld was in the big city on a Costco run this afternoon when he stumbled upon a massive crowd that had gathered at Grant Park Mall. âLook at all [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-man-mistakes-huge-miriam-toews-crowd-for-billy-graham-crusade/
23 days ago
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Olga reacts to the top 5 Mennonite baby names for girls.
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24 days ago
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Mennonite Woman Needs Weekend to Recover from Weekend
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Mennonite Woman Needs Weekend to Recover from Weekend
WINKLER, MB Area mom Brittany Klippenstein was so exhausted from her Thanksgiving weekend that she now requires a weekend to recover from the weekend. âThanks goodness weâve got another weekend coming...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-woman-needs-weekend-to-recover-from-weekend/
24 days ago
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Katy Perry Attempts to Make Out with the Wrong Prime Minister
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Katy Perry Attempts to Make Out with the Wrong Prime Minister
OTTAWA, ON Pop superstar Katy Perry was spotted in what looked like some level of embrace with another former Canadian Prime Minister this week. âI donât know what came over me,â said Perry. âI guess ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/katy-perry-accidentally-makes-out-with-the-wrong-prime-minister/
26 days ago
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Mennonite Grandma Can Finally Sleep Tonight Because She Didnât Run Out of Food at the Gathering
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Mennonite Grandma Can Finally Sleep Tonight Because She Didn't Run Out of Food at the Gathering
WINKLER, MB Mrs. Pankratz can count on a good solid six hours of sleep tonight after the family gathering that sheâd been worrying about for months came and went without a single person starving to [....
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-grandma-can-finally-sleep-tonight-because-she-didnt-run-out-of-food-at-the-gathering/
26 days ago
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Silly Americans Donât Even Realize itâs Thanksgiving
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Silly Americans Donât Even Realize itâs Thanksgiving
GOSHEN, IN In a shocking turn of events, more than 300 Americans went completely without Thanksgiving dinner this weekend. âThere wasnât even any pumpkin pie,â said Mrs. Eby of Kitchener, Ontario, who...
https://www.ungerreview.com/silly-americans-dont-even-realize-its-thanksgiving/
27 days ago
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28 days ago
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âWe had to wait and see what McDavid would sign for,â said the churchâs chief salary negotiator Allan Siemens.
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Mennonite Pastor Signs Two-Year $25 Thousand Extension with Local Church
EDMONTON, AB Just days after Connor McDavid closed a deal with the Oilers, local youth pastor Collin Martens inked a two-year $25,000 extension with WestEast Edmonton Mennonite Church. âWe had to wait...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-pastor-signs-two-year-25-thousand-extension-with-local-church/
28 days ago
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Mennonite Man Wins Noble Peas Prize
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Mennonite Man Wins Noble Peas Prize
OSLO, NORWAY Mr. Abe Klassen of Rosthern has just been awarded the top prize for the most delicious, most noble peas in the world. âJust look at those green plump peas, slathered in butter,â said [......
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-man-wins-noble-peas-prize/
29 days ago
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Area man Bob Sawatzky took just 5 hours to pass a semi on the highway this week, the fastest time ever recorded by a Mennonite.
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Mennonite Man Takes 5 Hours to Pass Semi
MOOSOMIN, SK Area man Bob Sawatzky took just 5 hours to pass the semi on the highway this week, the fastest time ever recorded by a Mennonite. âI figured he was going 100,â said Bob, [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-man-takes-5-hours-to-pass-semi/
about 1 month ago
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White House to Annex Toronto Blue Jays
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White House to Annex Toronto Blue Jays
TORONTO, ON After the Blur Jays took a 2 game lead against the New York Yankees, the Americans are utilizing the only strategy left in their repertoireâ annexation. âWe call it the World Series, but [...
https://www.ungerreview.com/white-house-to-annex-toronto-blue-jays/
about 1 month ago
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Mennonite Woman Ruins Perfectly Good Cinnamon Buns By Adding Raisins
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Mennonite Woman Ruins Perfectly Good Cinnamon Buns By Adding Raisins
ALTONA, MB Area woman Theresa Bueckert decided sheâd change things up a little and add raisins to her bun dough this week. The results were, as expected, disastrous. âOba, what was I thinking,â said M...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-woman-ruins-perfectly-good-cinnamon-buns-by-adding-raisins/
about 1 month ago
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Niverville Residents Finally Free From Arduous Journey to Winnipeg McDonaldâs
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Niverville Residents Finally Free From Arduous Journey to Winnipeg McDonaldâs
NIVERVILLE, MB For more than century, resident of Niverville have been completely cut off from access to McDonaldâs restaurants. âOh, sure, some brave souls ventured out to Winnipeg once in a while,â ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/niverville-residents-finally-free-from-arduous-journey-to-winnipeg-mcdonalds/
about 1 month ago
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Church to Remove Reclining Seats for Poorer Parishioners
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Church to Remove Reclining Seats for Poorer Parishioners
CALGARY, AB The WestEast Church in Calgary, Alberta has just announced it will be removing all reclining seats in the last 20 rows of the sanctuary. âThatâs where all the latecomers and low tithers si...
https://www.ungerreview.com/church-to-remove-reclining-seats-for-poorer-parishioners/
about 1 month ago
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about 1 month ago
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Canada Post to Replace Air Mail with New Horse and Buggy Service
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Canada Post to Replace Air Mail with New Horse and Buggy Service
OTTAWA, ON Always wanting to improve services across the country, Canada Post announced this week it would be hiring Amish and Old Order Mennonites to deliver the mail from now on. âItâs just one more...
https://www.ungerreview.com/canada-post-to-replace-air-mail-with-new-horse-and-buggy-service/
about 1 month ago
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Escalator Strands Pastor, Sermon Delayed
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Escalator Strands Pastor, Sermon Delayed
HARRISONBURG, VA After the escalator abruptly stopped at just as Pastor Dave was approaching, the entire responsive reading and the first 40 minutes of the sermon had to be postponed. âI didnât know w...
https://www.ungerreview.com/escalator-strands-pastor-sermon-delayed/
about 1 month ago
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White House Warns Against Knackzoat During Pregnancy
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White House Warns Against Knackzoat During Pregnancy
WASHINGTON, DC President Trump issued a warning to pregnant woman this week â avoid knackzoat. âIt can only be bad. Not good,â said Trump. âVery bad. Let me see. How do you pronounce this? Itâs [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/white-house-warns-against-knackzoat-during-pregnancy/
about 1 month ago
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about 1 month ago
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Toews Resumes Career with Winnipeg Jets
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Toews Resumes Career with Winnipeg Jets
WINNIPEG, MB We may not have heard from him for quite a while, but Toews laced up his skates again last night, this time for his hometown Winnipeg Jets. âYeah, well, I figured I could [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/toews-resumes-career-with-winnipeg-jets/
about 1 month ago
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CFL Unveils New Logo
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CFL Unveils New Logo
TORONTO, ON After a series of highly popular rule changes this week, the Canadian Football League has unveiled a brand new logo modelled after Crackel Barrel. âWe know how well that worked for them,â ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/cfl-unveils-new-logo/
about 2 months ago
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about 2 months ago
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Rapture Occurs Just Before Newlyweds Have a Chance to Consummate the Marriage
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Rapture Occurs Just Before Newlyweds Have a Chance to Consummate the Marriage
ABBOTSFORD, BC Every chaste young manâs biggest fear came true last night as Eric Dueck and Sarah Loewen were miraculously raptured just moments before they were able to consummate their marriage. âI ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/rapture-occurs-just-newlyweds-chance-consummate-marriage/
about 2 months ago
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Bargain Hungry Mennonites Eager to Get Their Hands on Free Speech
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Bargain Hungry Mennonites Eager to Get Their Hands on Free Speech
INMAN, KS Mennonites across Kansas were stirred into a frenzy this week after they heard that speeches were now free. âEven the thrift store doesnât have free speech like this,â said Mr. Janzen. âIâve...
https://www.ungerreview.com/bargain-hungry-mennonites-eager-to-get-their-hands-free-speech/
about 2 months ago
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about 2 months ago
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about 2 months ago
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Trump Hires Mennonites to Shun Jimmy Kimmel
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Trump Hires Mennonites to Shun Jimmy Kimmel
WASHINGTON, DC A team of Mennonites has been flown into Washington this week with the express purpose of shunning Jimmy Kimmel. âWeâve got them working around the clock. Frowny faces. Shaking their he...
https://www.ungerreview.com/trump-hires-mennonites-to-shun-jimmy-kimmel/
about 2 months ago
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A Complete List of Jokes that Wonât Get You Cancelled These Days
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A Complete List of Jokes that Wonât Get You Cancelled These Days
In the wake of Jimmy Kimmelâs recent cancellation, weâve consulted a team of comedians and humourists from across the United States to make a list of completely safe jokes that wonât get you cancelled...
https://www.ungerreview.com/a-complete-list-of-jokes-that-wont-get-you-cancelled-these-days/
about 2 months ago
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Mennonite Woman Discovers Huge Selection of âCooking Wineâ at Local LC
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Mennonite Woman Discovers Huge Selection of âCooking Wineâ at Local LC
MORDEN, MB Area woman Lois Buhler, 51, was utterly amazed by the selection of top shelf Italian, French, and Spanish wine at her local LC this week. âWow, the ladies around here cook with the [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-woman-discovers-huge-selection-of-cooking-wine-at-local-lc/
about 2 months ago
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Entire City of Steinbach Baptized this Week
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Entire City of Steinbach Baptized this Week
STEINBACH, MB The prayers of Omas and Opas across Steinbach were finally answered this week as all the remaining folks who had yet to be baptized were greeted with a deluge. âI was hoping to [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/entire-city-of-steinbach-baptized-this-week/
about 2 months ago
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Waffles with white sauce!
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about 2 months ago
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Carney Enlists the Amish to Address Canadaâs Housing Crisis
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Carney Enlists the Amish to Address Canada's Housing Crisis
OTTAWA, ON Fresh from high level cabinet meetings, Prime Minister Mark Carney has come up with a brand new plan to address the nationâs housing crisisâhire the Amish. âIâm sure they can raise a few [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/carney-enlists-the-amish-to-address-canadas-housing-crisis/
about 2 months ago
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