The Unger Review
@ungerreview.bsky.social
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Satire by Andrew Unger. Home of The Daily Bonnet. ungerreview.com
about 4 hours ago
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Rapture Occurs Just Before Newlyweds Have a Chance to Consummate the Marriage
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Rapture Occurs Just Before Newlyweds Have a Chance to Consummate the Marriage
ABBOTSFORD, BC Every chaste young manâs biggest fear came true last night as Eric Dueck and Sarah Loewen were miraculously raptured just moments before they were able to consummate their marriage. âI ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/rapture-occurs-just-newlyweds-chance-consummate-marriage/
1 day ago
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Bargain Hungry Mennonites Eager to Get Their Hands on Free Speech
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Bargain Hungry Mennonites Eager to Get Their Hands on Free Speech
INMAN, KS Mennonites across Kansas were stirred into a frenzy this week after they heard that speeches were now free. âEven the thrift store doesnât have free speech like this,â said Mr. Janzen. âIâve...
https://www.ungerreview.com/bargain-hungry-mennonites-eager-to-get-their-hands-free-speech/
2 days ago
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2 days ago
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4 days ago
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Trump Hires Mennonites to Shun Jimmy Kimmel
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Trump Hires Mennonites to Shun Jimmy Kimmel
WASHINGTON, DC A team of Mennonites has been flown into Washington this week with the express purpose of shunning Jimmy Kimmel. âWeâve got them working around the clock. Frowny faces. Shaking their he...
https://www.ungerreview.com/trump-hires-mennonites-to-shun-jimmy-kimmel/
4 days ago
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A Complete List of Jokes that Wonât Get You Cancelled These Days
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A Complete List of Jokes that Wonât Get You Cancelled These Days
In the wake of Jimmy Kimmelâs recent cancellation, weâve consulted a team of comedians and humourists from across the United States to make a list of completely safe jokes that wonât get you cancelled...
https://www.ungerreview.com/a-complete-list-of-jokes-that-wont-get-you-cancelled-these-days/
5 days ago
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Mennonite Woman Discovers Huge Selection of âCooking Wineâ at Local LC
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Mennonite Woman Discovers Huge Selection of âCooking Wineâ at Local LC
MORDEN, MB Area woman Lois Buhler, 51, was utterly amazed by the selection of top shelf Italian, French, and Spanish wine at her local LC this week. âWow, the ladies around here cook with the [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-woman-discovers-huge-selection-of-cooking-wine-at-local-lc/
7 days ago
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Entire City of Steinbach Baptized this Week
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Entire City of Steinbach Baptized this Week
STEINBACH, MB The prayers of Omas and Opas across Steinbach were finally answered this week as all the remaining folks who had yet to be baptized were greeted with a deluge. âI was hoping to [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/entire-city-of-steinbach-baptized-this-week/
8 days ago
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Waffles with white sauce!
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8 days ago
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Carney Enlists the Amish to Address Canadaâs Housing Crisis
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Carney Enlists the Amish to Address Canada's Housing Crisis
OTTAWA, ON Fresh from high level cabinet meetings, Prime Minister Mark Carney has come up with a brand new plan to address the nationâs housing crisisâhire the Amish. âIâm sure they can raise a few [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/carney-enlists-the-amish-to-address-canadas-housing-crisis/
9 days ago
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How to swear like a Mennonite.
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10 days ago
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10 days ago
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Sticky Tack Holds Poster to Wall for Record 5 Minutes
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Sticky Tack Holds Poster to Wall for Record 5 Minutes
SEMINOLE, TX When Mrs. Doerksen left her Sunday School room for a couple minutes this afternoon, she was shocked to discover that one of the posters was still stuck to the wall. âOf course, it [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/sticky-tack-holds-poster-wall-for-record-5-minutes/
11 days ago
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11 days ago
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How to pronounce common Mennonite surnames.
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12 days ago
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12 days ago
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13 days ago
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Frost Warning Issued for Friesen and Froese
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Frost Warning Issued for Friesen and Froese
FRIEDENSFELD, MB Froeses and Friesens of Fridensfeld are frantically flailing about to fortify their flowers and fruit this Friday following a forewarning about a first frost. âFrida and I nearly feâs...
https://www.ungerreview.com/frost-warning-issued-for-friesen-and-froese/
14 days ago
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14 days ago
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15 days ago
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Encounter with Radiohead Song Sends Swiftie into Existential Crisis
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Encounter with Radiohead Song Sends Swiftie into Existential Crisis
WINKLER, MB A recent encounter with Radioheadâs seminal 1997 track âLet Downâ on TikTok  has spiralled Winkler-area Swiftie Melissa Sawatzky into a profound state of existential angst this week. âNeve...
https://www.ungerreview.com/encounter-with-radiohead-song-sends-swiftie-into-existential-crisis/
16 days ago
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16 days ago
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Man Stands Up During Q&A to Tell His Entire Life Story
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Man Stands Up During Q&A to Tell His Entire Life Story
SASKATOON, SK Area man Pete Krahn, 62, did not have a question for the speaker at a local conference this afternoon, but instead stood up and launched into an irrelevant 20 minute anecdote about his [...
https://www.ungerreview.com/man-stands-up-during-qa-to-tell-his-life-story/
17 days ago
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Winnipeg Man Consumes All 183 âBurger Weekâ Burgers
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Winnipeg Man Consumes All 183 'Burger Week' Burgers
WINNIPEG, MB Area man Darren Sawatzky, 25, has become the first Winnipegger ever to consume every single âLe Burger Weekâ burger. âIt wasnât going to be a fair vote unless I tried them all,â said [......
https://www.ungerreview.com/winnipeg-man-consumes-all-183-burger-week-burgers/
17 days ago
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Rudy Wiebe Novel Shockingly Left Off Edmonton Banned Books List
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Rudy Wiebe Novel Shockingly Left Off Edmonton Banned Books List
EDMONTON, AB The Edmonton book ban is turning heads this week after one glaringly obvious omission â Rudy Wiebeâs Peace Shall Destroy Many. âThat bookâs been banned in more or less every other communi...
https://www.ungerreview.com/rudy-wiebe-novel-shockingly-left-off-edmonton-banned-books-list/
18 days ago
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Mennonite Child Forced to Watch âHymn Singâ Before He Can Watch âDisneyâ
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Mennonite Child Forced to Watch âHymn Singâ Before He Can Watch âDisneyâ
TOFIELD, AB Local 8-year-old Jeremy Goerzen threw the biggest temper tantrum in Tofield, Alberta history this weekend after his parents forced him to watch a complete episode of Hymn Sing prior to the...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-child-forced-to-watch-hymn-sing-before-he-can-watch-disney/
19 days ago
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Doug Ford Dumps Out Entire Crown Royal Bag Full of Scrabble Tiles
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Doug Ford Dumps Out Entire Crown Royal Bag Full of Scrabble Tiles
TORONTO, ON Furious at Crown Royal for shutting down a bottling plant in southern Ontario, Premier Doug Ford held a press conference this afternoon where he emptied out an entire Crown Royal bag full ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/doug-ford-dumps-out-entire-crown-royal-bag-full-of-scrabble-tiles/
20 days ago
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Man with Debit Machine in Hand Braces to Answer About His âPlans for the Rest of the Eveningâ
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Man with Debit Machine in Hand Braces to Answer About His "Plans for the Rest of the Evening"
SWIFT CURRENT, SK Area man Collin Penner, 41, recoiled in horror and he was handed to the payment terminal at his local burger joint this Monday evening. âI tried to punch in the numbers quick [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/man-with-debit-machine-in-hand-braces-to-answer-about-his-plans-for-the-rest-of-the-evening/
21 days ago
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Saskatchewan âHighwayâ Really Just a Gravel Road
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Saskatchewan "Highway" Really Just a Gravel Road
SCHANTZENFELD, SK The Priebes of Swift Current, Saskatchewan were shocked to discover that a prominent highway between their city and tiny darpa of Schantzenfeld, was actually nothing more than a grav...
https://www.ungerreview.com/saskatchewan-highway-really-just-a-gravel-road/
22 days ago
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Mennonite Man Works His Usual 18 Hours on Labour Day
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Mennonite Man Works His Usual 18 Hours on Labour Day
YARROW, BC Exhibiting the most extreme manifestation of the âProtestant work ethic,â local butcher Helmut Siemens of Yarrow spent every waking moment making farmer sausage this Labour Day. âI donât ta...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-man-works-18-hour-day-labour-day/
22 days ago
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Canada to Increase Peace and Pacifism Budget to 5% of GDP
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Canada to Increase Peace and Pacifism Budget to 5% of GDP
OTTAWA, ON After pressure from the countryâs Mennonite population, the government of Canada has decided to reallocate its entire military budget into efforts to promote peace and pacifism. âOur goal i...
https://www.ungerreview.com/canada-to-increase-peace-and-pacifism-budget-to-5-of-gdp/
23 days ago
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23 days ago
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Mennonite Woman to Participate in âLabour Day Classicâ
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Mennonite Woman to Participate in "Labour Day Classic"
REGINA, SK Bethany Seibel, 23, of Wymark, Saskatchewan is set to become the first Mennonite woman ever to participate in the Labour Day Classic this weekend. âYup, theyâre inducing labour on Sunday. I...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-woman-to-participate-in-labour-day-classic/
25 days ago
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A Book Review Yet â Miriam Toews: âA Truce That Is Not Peaceâ
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A Book Review Yet - Miriam Toews: 'A Truce That Is Not Peace'
BY: ABE Nah, oba, I heard from Pete at the coffee shop above the gas station that thereâs yet another Miriam Toews book yet. Whatâs it called? A Blitz that is Not Dutch? Something like [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/books-review-miriam-toews-a-truce-that-is-not-peace/
26 days ago
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Wonder why this didnât make the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook. đ¤ˇââď¸
26 days ago
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Saskatchewan City to be Renamed âTaylor Swift Currentâ
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Saskatchewan City to be Renamed 'Taylor Swift Current'
TAYLOR SWIFT CURRENT, SK In honour of the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce engagement, the western Saskatchewan city of Swift Current has voted 4-3 this week to rename the city Taylor Swift Current. âIt was ...
https://www.ungerreview.com/saskatchewan-city-to-be-renamed-taylor-swift-current/
27 days ago
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Friesen-Friesen Engagement Tops the News in Mennonite Town
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Friesen-Friesen Engagement Tops the News in Mennonite Town
HERBERT, SK In the small town of Herbert, Saskatchewan, there was no bigger news this week than the engagement of local librarian Taylor Friesen and lentil farmer Travis Friesen. âEveryoneâs posting a...
https://www.ungerreview.com/friesen-friesen-engagement-tops-the-news-in-mennonite-town/
28 days ago
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28 days ago
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Nice try @kfc but itâs going to take more than Pickle Pepsi to lure the Mennonites away from Chicken Chef.
28 days ago
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Mennonite Couple Celebrate Anniversary By Splitting Meal at Chicken Chef
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Mennonite Couple Celebrate Anniversary By Splitting Meal at Chicken Chef
STEINBACH, MB Local couple, Bill and Anne Kliewer, will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this week by sharing a 3 piece meal at the local Chicken Chef. âWhatâs 15.95 divided by two?â wond...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonite-couple-celebrate-anniversary-by-splitting-meal-at-chicken-chef/
30 days ago
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Swift Current Residents Furious at Taylor Swift for Leaving Their City Off Her 2025 Tour
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Swift Current Residents Furious at Taylor Swift for Leaving Their City Off Her 2025 Tour
SWIFT CURRENT, SK Residents of Swift Current, Saskatchewan, population 16,750, are fuming mad this week after it was revealed that pop superstar Taylor Swift had left their community off her worldwide...
https://www.ungerreview.com/swift-current-residents-furious-at-taylor-swift-for-leaving-their-city-off-her-2023-tour/
about 1 month ago
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âIt says right there on the headstone Martha Penner 1943 â present. Weâre all just waiting to fill in the blanks.âhttps://www.ungerreview.com/dual-headstone-awaits-death-of-spouse/
about 1 month ago
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Pierre Poilievre Scambling to Learn Plautdietsch to Serve His New Riding
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Pierre Poilievre Scambling to Learn Plautdietsch to Serve His New Riding
STETTLER, AB Conservative leader and new Battle River-Crowfoot MP Pierre Poilievre has been taking Plautdietsch lessons in the small Mennonite town of Settler, Alberta this week. This after several co...
https://www.ungerreview.com/pierre-poilievre-scambling-to-learn-plautdietsch-to-serve-his-new-riding/
about 1 month ago
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about 1 month ago
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Winkler Finally Embraces Sundae Shopping
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Winkler Finally Embraces Sundae Shopping
WINKLER, MB Things sure are changing in the growing city of Winkler. After heated debate this week, Winkler city council voted 4 to 3 in favour of legalizing sundae shopping. âThis is something that h...
https://www.ungerreview.com/winkler-finally-embraces-sundae-shopping/
about 1 month ago
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Pierre Poilievre Spotted Parachuting into Tofield, Alberta
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Pierre Poilievre Spotted Parachuting into Tofield, Alberta
TOFIELD, AB Conservative leader Pierre Poilievere has parachuted into the small Mennonite town of Tofield, Alberta this afternoon, where he landed just outside Tillyâs Family Dining. âWe love a good a...
https://www.ungerreview.com/pierre-poilievre-spotted-parachuting-into-tofield-alberta/
about 1 month ago
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about 1 month ago
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Wife to Warm Feet on Husband Tonight
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Wife to Warm Feet on Husband Tonight
WINKLER, MB Area woman Melissa Ens, 23, fully intends to warm her cold feet on any exposed part of her husbandâs body tonight. âThis is what he gets for cranking the air conditioning,â says Ens. [...]
https://www.ungerreview.com/wife-to-warm-feet-on-husband-tonight/
about 1 month ago
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Mennonites Gather in Steinbach for Annual Meeting of Double Cousins
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Mennonites Gather in Steinbach for Annual Meeting of Double Cousins
STEINBACH, MB More than three thousand people packed the picnic shelter at AD Penner Park in Steinbach this weekend for the annual gathering of double first cousins. âMy mom and her two sisters each m...
https://www.ungerreview.com/mennonites-gather-in-steinbach-for-annual-meeting-of-double-cousins/
about 1 month ago
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