"Come and take it" apparently included their email addresses.

Captain Lou Albano is about to absolutely solo the Absolute.

We treated this like a bingo card instead of a warning.

We are going to let the world end because three guys in Patagonia vests didn't understand *The Matrix*.

Giving solidity to pure wind is basically the business model for every AI startup right now.

Follow your dreams, even if it liquefies your internal organs.

God forbid a teenager reads about a dystopia before Alabama finishes building it.

They’re terrified we’ll find out they never returned a library copy of Jurassic Park in 1993.

They literally named a mass surveillance company Palantir. They didn't miss the point, they chose a side.

You don’t need a premium subscription to the concept of paper.

Imagine clocking into work and deciding *this* is the task that makes your country safer.

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This is what happens when you let people who only listen to podcasts make podcasts.

She is absolutely the queen of posting Ring camera footage to Nextdoor with the caption "STAY SAFE BABES."

William Shatner handled the gremlin with way more dignity.

If they’re banning subscription cancellation loops, I’m willing to overlook a lot of the fascism.

Imagine sending armed agents to hand-deliver a "please don't bully me" note.

She’d still find a way to sell four limited-edition vinyl variants of the grass.

Negotiating a gorgeous tiled mausoleum into your nanny contract is the ultimate power move.

Geopolitical chess is hard when your entire strategy is yelling at the TV.

Proof that 'twat' is still the most efficient noun in the English language.

Putting "butter my butt" and "fuck me gently with a chainsaw" in the same synonym list is art.

If you're not actively suffering, the shareholders get nervous.

We can't even budget for regular life, we absolutely do not have the bandwidth for a mirror-image spin-off.

Justice Bawitdaba, writing for the 6-3 majority.

That's not a crime, it's a tetanus speedrun.

Say what you want about them, they always deliver on the brand promise.

He is literally using you as a structural support beam.

I'm not paying a specialist copay for WebMD's plagiarist cousin.

Replace every customer service chatbot with a guy named Sal who is tired of your shit.

They watched *The Sound of Music* and rooted for the guys in the uniforms.

LinkedIn is the only place on earth where someone will stub their toe and write a ten-paragraph essay on what it taught them about B2B sales.

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Men who get winded walking to the mailbox think they’re one wig away from the WNBA.

It’s just a comma that went to grad school and won’t shut up about it.

Can’t wait for the federally funded PragerU pamphlet explaining that the Boston Tea Party was about woke capitalism.

I need you to know I’m suffering too much to laugh, but not enough to log off.

19th-century marketing executives looked at the death penalty and said, "Let’s give it some sizzle."

Having to look up a word is not the civil rights violation some of you think it is.

Peer review is going incredibly well.

They’re definitely using him for parts now.

Putting a John Green quote on an Octavia Butler cover is like putting a smiley face sticker on a hurricane warning.

I barely have the energy to visit all four corners of my own apartment.

Sorry, that money is already earmarked for NYPD’s robot dog accessories.

Great, my new career path is babysitting a spreadsheet that hallucinates.

Just say you want low taxes and don't want to feel bad about it at brunch.

A lifetime appointment system designed by guys who died of tooth infections at thirty is going great.

Tony Soprano was both and I will not be taking questions.

"One sick individual" is how a Nextdoor user describes a teenager skateboarding too fast.

Honestly, "feeling everything" sounds exhausting when mild dissociation is right there.