It's alright. It's Everton. None of the shots will be on target.

I have this lucid nightmare that I'm going to wake up and it's Monday again.

Richarlison. Body broken. Spirit tired after repeated relegation battles with Everton grid his move to play in the Champions League with Spurs and could end up going down. He must be wondering what the fuck is going on.

Whenever I see CONCACAF mentioned I always wonder why nobody has opened a place where you can get a cup of tea, a bacon butty and play conkers against other random middle aged men while old school Grange Hill plays on the TV.

Today's match day postcard video turned out way better than I expected. Especially after my pram/toy interface ejection earlier. Rescued thanks to a great result and vibes la

Doesn't take much to cheer me up. Just 52,500 screaming punters and 11 wavy shirted men being fucking sound. I don't need jewels or rings of gold. Just a boss slotter giving it top bins at the South Stand.

Well, that was a pretty decent day down by de docks.

Beto'o

What a ball from Garner. Look at those celebrations #NorthKorEFC

Oh my word. The flag display is absolutely amazing. EVERYONE needs to see this! #NorthKorEFC

"Oh it's a grand old team to play for, And it's a grand old team to support, And if you know your stadium regulations It's enough to make your filming go nooooooo!" #NorthKorEFC

Team out warming up #NorthKorEFC

Blue screen. You take a pic of yourself in the stadium and they put it on the big screens. Hang on.... #NorthKorEFC

England's England's number one England's number one #NorthKorEFC

Keepers coming out to warm up #NorthKorEFC

Team news on the big screen #NorthKorEFC

I went to my local car dealer trying to buy one of those new Seat Uniques that they keep advertising at Fat Goodison. Wet look gel headed funboy salesman didn't have a clue what I was going on about.

FFFFFFFUCK OFF ROSSIE

"You can't just go round filming things. Have you got a permit? You can't film inside the ground." I presume everyone who lifts a phone up will get a thorough bollocking then? Or not. Meanwhile BlueTubers are sat filming themselves with actual phone gimbals inside the gaff. #ThePettysClub

As much as I love having a Red Dwarf themed smart watch face, it is slightly disconcerting when in the shower to be casually soaping your Davina McCalls and look down to see Norman Lovett's face of judgment staring back at you.

Still waiting for Apple to introduce an AI counselling app called iCantfuckingcope

Thinking of starting a movement online. Just for males. No misogyny. No hustle culture. No twatty watches and dick compensation cars. Just weed, pills and boss tunes. Gonna call it the Manisphere. Just. Be. Sound!

Every day I'm more glad my dad stood on the centre circle of Stamford Bridge and told Ken Bates to fuck off, then flew us to the Netherlands to sign for FC Twente instead. Dankjewel, Crazy Englishman!

Can't wait for the all new Blue Sauce. It's like red sauce but more bitter. Amirite? What's your name mate? Awwww you're defo a bizzy you lad!

I'm eating bourbon biscuits, listening to Kate Bush and writing poetry because it's a sunny day and art could happen if we nurture it.

Just seen that SNL UK trailer. How can a nation that produced some of the greatest comic performers in history out forward such fundamentally unfunny wankers to take part in it?

One can only assume the Emirates shares the architect with The Doctor's TARDIS. 49,000 Evertonians in the away end, all sat next to Barry's friends/family/not friends/not family/Arsenal/not Arsenal, lad. "Dee wer wearing Sammy Nelson shirts lad. Swear down."

The Dundee derby mate. Scottish football is untouchable for sheer lunacy.

I listened to a 14 hour audiobook of physics lectures. Don't tell me I'm not still punk!

Fucking hell. If that was your death row meal you'd take out a few guards on your way to get your balls injected with Toilet Duck. Or however they're icing ne'er-do-wells these days.

It's a bit Mork and Mindy out there today. Any idea when this shite is due to finish? Asking for us not great on their feeters.

Come on Blueskys, deez are shite!

Woke up after yer another cramp during the nightless sleep. The Revitive Medic genuinely seems to be helping remove one major issue from my life. I'm sleeping through each night without the pain of waking at stupid o'clock with my left calf spasming. Money well spent

Frankie Boyle. No idea what I said that managed to offend him. Never even tweeted at him. #BlockTheTreac

Today feels very much like a Kristin Hersh/Throwing Muses day. Bring on THAT voice.

Michael Winner. For calling him a fat name dropping cunt. He took offence to me calling him fat. I think i managed, "Ok, you're a svelte name dropping cunt" before he blocked me.

"So, Joey, what's your handicap?" "I'm a violent bellend with literally no redeeming features." "No. I mean, what do you play off?" "A tee." "Tit.

Aquaphobia. noun (akwəˈfəʊbiə) a strong and unreasonable fear of shite Scandi pop music. #unsoliciteddictionary

Caveat Skemptor. noun. (From Latin) Beware of buying cars off wools. #unsoliciteddictionary

Taxi dad. It is freezing cold. It is foggy as fuck. That is all

Gonna make a film entirely using AI. Get it to write the script. Create the shots. Make the music. Edit it. Do the artwork. Not sure whether to call myself Wes AInderson or Francis Ford Co-pilot.

Spurs fans have a real opportunity to connect with their players now. Welcome the coaches, flares aots, Richy going sick, dragging results from the embers of a season and finding mutual respect with the club again. When you want to boo. Stop. Cheer louder instead. It becomes intoxicating.

Goosed ankle thanks to parking half a mile away from the ground and having to walk here. Meanwhile, about a quarter of the car park where the blue badgers park, is empty. Still, my ankle will grow back.

C C C CUCUMBER C C C CABBAGE.....

Is today another day dominated by Talk Talk, Echo and The Bunnymen, The Cure and Cocteau Twins? You bet yo ass it is. Might even lash the Paleys on later.

Shaun Ryder and Bez advertising Tena Men. Well, that sure as fuck wasn't on my Wednesday morning expectations spreadsheet.

Struggling to match the musical mood to the morning. This is going to require some lateral thinking.

As the Botswana Air 737 plummets nose first towards the Mediterranean Sea, the last images that pass before my eyes won't be the birth of my child, my 30th birthday or the day I won 300 quid on a footy bet. No. It'll Michael Fucking Keane shaking his head after we concede our ninth goal tonight.

Moyes la. Why are you trying to kill me? That team gives me the fear.

28-0. Barry with a first half quindecatrick. Lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Stuart Barlow wearing just a towel and 110s. One bombs Maguire for being a bad Texan. As nailed on as Heather Mills' tights. #AshyPredicts