Please for the love of God don't send birthday wishes from company listservs they make me want to kill myself

OH the age of consent in Greenland is 15. Ok. No, ok I understand. No ok now things are starting to make sense. Got it.

It’s not shit posting I’m genuinely trying

The butterfly effect is crazy it flaps its wings and then starts to fly

100% of the Siamese cats in Disney movies have the most insane thick Asian accents. It’s only three examples but that’s still some considerable consistency.

The agreement Taco Bell and I had was that in exchange for convenience and affordability I would look the other way on the fact that the food is most likely a mixture of raccoon meat and microplastics - these new prices have shattered that bargain.

You can shove your fingers down your throat to make yourself vomit. I want that but for poop.

The “show up 2-hours before your flight” rule needs to be updated for modern times. We’re checkin in online and showing up with zero luggage. I can clear that shit in 25 minutes.

I’d like to think that Jodie foster was a least a LITTLE impressed

I would feel a lot better if I could just watch the president do a quick long devision problem for me. I'm not saying he can or can't - I would just feel better.

This is going to sound like some hippy shit but I genuinely wish there was a quantifiable way to exactly measure the evil you're doing with each purchase. Next to the price I want a number that tells me how much harder it's going to be to get into heaven.

I don’t think I’m in the Epstein files but a preemptive “my bad” if I am.

Don’t: ask me to sign up for an account via email or do two factor authentication Do: just let my shit be insecure, I don’t care if my free wordle account gets hacked

Rush Limbaugh wasn't racist - his best lungs were black.

Let's just all tank our credit scores together and be done with this nonsense

I had a therapist respond to my intro with “oof” and goddamn if that’s not the best and only comforting response I’ve ever received from therapy.

As a society we really need to hone in on that middle ground between bullying and “don’t worry king, that tattoo of your waifu on your arm looks great”

There's something admirable about Ben Shapiro. Most alt-right internet freaks use the whole "Media is too woke" grift as a stepping stone to relevance before pursuing dumb legislative goals or access to the white house whereas my man Ben has remained laser focused on looking for gays in cartoons.

I’m really happy to see that in these divided times we’ve been able to effectively communicate how much of an ecological threat lantern flies are and come together to stomp them out. Having said that they’ve clearly won.

I hate the incest jokes people make about Kentucky. We don’t have any higher rates of incest than anyone else, that’s just what babies look like when breast-milk is 2% fentanyl

Hunter Biden was born Feb 1970 meaning there’s a decent chance that Joe was getting stroked silly at Woodstock

Did da Vinci really invent all that shit or was he just the only one who could draw well

Gay featherless biped be holdn’ a man

Driving sober is so normie shit

An alternate reality where the conspiracy theory that the Jewish people were warned not to show up to work on 9/11 is true but because it’s an office building in lower manhattan the only casualties were 7 Italian contractors

Society grows when old men slash estates taxes for inheritances they will never spend on cocaine

One day, you put your Aunt Jemima syrup bottle down and never picked it up again

You all endlessly bitched because tech support had accents and were clearly lying when they said their name was "Steve" or whatever but now all we got are these awful AI support lines that won't connect you with a rep unless you navigate the conversational flowchart perfectly Fuck y'all I miss Steve

A haiku: It’s two-thousand two, Aww skeet skeet mother fucker, Aww skeet skeet goddamn.

I don't think we had enough time laugh at the dog-shit AI videos. Can we turn back the progress a little so we can keep making fun of the Will Smith spaghetti videos?

I found my perfect match on bumble but then I saw that they didn't have human rights as one of their interests 😕

5-years ago the robots were struggling to read a couple of squiggly letters and now they can identify buses and draw shitty pictures for us. Our little overlords are growing up right before our eyes 🥹