Good morning! This Hot Mess Express is awake and ready to tackle absolutely nothing.

You ever heard of: "The heart wants what it wants"? The heart is a fucking idiot.

And in my fragile state too?!?!

Out of curiosity, I wondered how much money I've spent on my prescriptions so far this year, vs. what insurance paid. Here's what my insurance got billed for the first quarter. THE FIRST QUARTER. 3 MONTHS, BABES. THAT'S FOR 3 MONTHS. *screams into the void*

This is 47. 🎂

Internally and emotionally, I feel like absolute shit. Skincare though? 💯

New headshot. I told the lady to make sure the viewer feels like I’m about to call them an idiot. #Photography

I honestly can’t tell whether this is a deliberate scorched‑earth strategy they’re thrilled with, or whether no one’s in control, the train’s fully off the rails, and they’re quietly panicking behind the scenes.

Some days I’m put together as FUCK. Other days I look like the ancient troll of Chavez Ravine, cursed by the gods and fueled by caffeine and spite.

😵‍💫 🌊

Are the lower gas prices in the room with us KKKaroline?

On Tuesdays we wear boots to crush the patriarchy. 👢 👢

This one’s called “Shit’s Fucked!”

Anyone hear from the Board of Peace lately?

Dissociating is my kink.

Just foolin’ around. This one called “Is He Dead Yet?”

music.apple.com/us/album/you... Current mood.

Uh oh. It’s tube top season!!!!

My birthday is weeks away but AARP already found me and former classmates are offering “exciting opportunities.” Sir. Ma’am. I am busy aging quietly with my dog and my wine.

Look, it’s not my fault my inhibitions pack their bags the second “Bang a Gong” starts. That’s literally what the song is for. It’s what it wants. *gyrates irresponsibly*

Cartoonists are chronicling the madness of this moment in real time.

Currently dealing with a forehead breakout, which is perfect, because I have to go into the office for a couple of days this week and next to interview people and I want to make sure they know I'm a MONSTER.

My dentist said floss more, so I did. Immediately turned my bathroom into a bloodbath and now my mouth tastes like a coin purse. Love personal growth.

This feels like growing up with an alcoholic parent who spends days declaring disaster, then pops in smiling with a Happy Meal and says, “Relax, I was kidding.” Sir, my nervous system disagrees.

IYKYK.

So tempted to email my candidates that are coming into the office this week and next to interview with me: "LOL, only if radiation levels allow it!"

😕

Hey, really quick, can you believe we're all just...functioning? Like, I got up today, ran on the treadmill, took a shower, put on makeup, had my coffee, and I've been working since 7:30am. Isn't dissociation cool?

Since I recorded this 2 minutes ago, the score is now 13 to 1.

Oh...OH!! OH, WE'RE GONNA START OFF THIS MONDAY WITH MANSPLAINING? To ME?!?!? ON THE FIRST CALL OF THE FUCKING DAY?!

If he drops a nuke tomorrow, I don’t think any of us need to worry about going to work. In fact, let’s be as proactive and professional as possible and turn on those Outlook Automatic Replies, now. “If you’re reading this, lol, why?”

I. Fucking. Hate. It. Here.

Hang on a tick. 🤔 💡

Word on the street is, we’re trying to gently introduce @robhuebel.bsky.social back to the world of pickles. Rob! I found where to start! ➡️ 🥒 #Pickles cc: @paulscheer.com

Did my skincare routine and immediately passed out for 3 hours like I was anesthetized. New podcast coming soon: “Moisturized & Medically Unconscious.”

At what point after someone dies is it ok to delete their texts? It’s starting to hurt more than help when I see dad in my pinned texts.

My "Know Your Keanu" t shirt has a fucking hole in it, so NO, Linda. I'm not in the right frame of mind to complete the sexual harassment training before I log off today.

Neighbor brought over donut holes dusted with powdered sugar and filled with Nutella. I'm thinking a summer wedding.

Listen, I-…I’m not surprised by much anymore. So I am surprised that this surprised me. I hate surprises. #Noem #TigOlBitties

The world is shit, but at least my hair and boobs look great today, so there's that.

LOOK AT MY BABY!!!! He’s all growns up!!!! 😭😭😭

I've never been this furious about paying my taxes before.

LFG DOYERS!!!!! If we 3-peat this year I will shoot myself to the moon.

Everything is so stupid.

Boss: “Ana, what’s wrong?” Ana: 😑 Boss: “Is it personal? Or global?” Ana: “Is there a difference?” Boss:

I hate how stupid everything is.

Everything’s fine! Narrator: “Things in fact, were not fine.”

I woke up this morning and cried. That's normal, right? That's the part of this timeline we're in? Where the morning alarm goes off, and before our feet hit the floor, we sob?