Doesn't everyone realise the Rapture already happened, 990 years ago? A total of 8 people were raptured. They had no friends, so no one realized they were gone. We are already nearly at the end of the 1000 Year War.

Would you take advice on your carburetor from a person who can't pronounce "carburetor"? Would you take advice about your plumbing escutcheon from a person who can't pronounce "escutcheon"? Now do "acetaminophen"

Surprise! One of the best things your screenplay can be is surprising. (a thread) #scriptsky #filmsky

I think everyone should learn how to kiss and how to shoot. They're both dangerous if you don't know what you're doing.

Anyone who shorted Tylenol stocks yesterday should be investigated immediately.

HEALTH HACK: A lot of people are talking about the benefits of raw milk that hasn't been pasteurized. If you don't have access to raw milk, luckily it's possible to reverse the pasteurisation process. STEP ONE: Get some milk. STEP TWO: Add cow shit to it. STEP THREE: Enjoy your healthy raw milk!

Donating blood today. Hopefully this time they'll use a needle instead of a baseball bat and a pair of pliers.

If you could get a refund for anything you've ever paid for, but you'd also lose the item/experience you bought, what would it be?

If you have insomnia, don't take sleeping pills. Take Viagra. You still won't sleep, but at least you'll have something to play with.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. So if I ever have a child, I'm going to ship him off to that village.

On a story development call yesterday, I tortured a metaphor enough that I should be tried in war crime court. #scriptsky #filmsky

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING: Any perfume named for a supermodel should smell like cigarettes and laxatives.

Become inexplicable.

Not every change is an improvement, but every improvement requires change.

My unintentionally-grotesque writing of the day: "Mike's eyes are a thousand miles away."

"The beatings will continue until morale improves" used to be a dumb joke on the walls of office break rooms. Now it's national police policy.

Day-old nachos are soggy and unappealing. But cook them with some egg and suddenly: chilequiles! This is the genius of Mexican food.

Was the "dutch angle" invented by a cinematographer from the Netherlands, or by a drunk camera operator named Dutch? #scriptsky #filmsky

I'm proud that I have a huge carbon footprint. Because you know what they say about people with big feet...

"Multiculturalism will never work" says the guy using a language combining Latin and Greek, counting with Arabic numerals, on a day of the week named after a Norse god, in a month named after a Roman god, in a year counting from the birth of a Middle Eastern god.

"I'm for TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE: an agreement between two men."

Pilot episodes are the children-of-divorce of the TV world. Daddy wants hooks and exposition; mommy wants it to feel like a typical episode. #scriptsky

I want to renovate my house. Step one- get a house.

Bio of a writer who’s never been published: author Bio of a writer who’s been published once or twice: published author Bio of a writer who’s been published a lot: author

"Conservatism consists of exactly one proposition, to wit: There must be in-groups whom ['free speech'] protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom ['free speech'] binds but does not protect."

It has taken me 53 years to accumulate two passports. At this rate I’ll be Jason Bourne by the time I’m 212.

I try not to hate anyone, until I really get to know them. Then it's okay.

Anyone who believes in Intelligent Design has surely never had really bad allergies.

"Looks like you blew a seal," said the auto mechanic. "Nope, it's just ice cream," said the penguin. #justthepunchline

People, it's a contraction of "should have." It's spelled should've, not should of. As in: You should've learned this in school. #scriptsky

Happy 238th birthday to the United States Constitution! www.archives.gov/founding-doc...

Old and tired: "If you remember the 60s, you weren't there." New: "If you can spell tetrahydrocannabinol, you haven't had enough of it."

Every day I cosplay as a grownup.

hey world, thanks to the fine folx at @sundance.org i'm teaching a class on how to write action - more importantly, how to infuse every chase and fight scene with dramatic purpose! this friday! here's the link: sndnc.org/3K4pj3z #screenwriting #screenwriter #twwriting #writing

The truth about dishonesty www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBmJ...

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just fun.

In zombie culture, "You're dead to me" is a term of endearment.

In New Zealand, very few police officers are fat. As an unrelated fact, donuts in NZ cost $3.50 each.

John Cleese is kind of a jerk, but I agree with him about this

I’m at the stage of this head cold where I’m putting chapstick on my poor chafed nostrils

Righties think government is inherently incompetent & corrupt. Lefties think corporations are inherently avaricious & sociopathic. They're both kinda correct.

I've decided to admit to the world that I am a supernatural creature. I'm a Slow Shapeshifter. I'm gradually turning into an old hairy dude.

How to make the trailer for a summer blockbuster www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAOd... #scriptsky #filmsky

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. ~ F. Nietzsche Whatever doesn't kill you just wasn't trying hard enough. ~ S. Barr

I've been problem-solving all day. Now it's time to problem-create.

Nuns are married to Jesus. Does that make them necrophiliacs?

At Justice League potluck, you can always count on Aquaman to bring some really fresh sushi.

"All great truths begins as blasphemies." ~George Bernard Shaw.

Here's an easy internet personality test - when you see someone being cheerful online, are you pleased or angry? If the latter, you might be an asshole.

To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.