"I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I- AHH MY EYES!" Thus ended the employee choir at the Clorox factory

I could be the next Hannibal Lecter, but I don't like fava beans.

I think every headstone should have the deceased's last words. We could quietly judge all the "Watch Me While I Do This" & "It's Not Loaded"

PIXAR should do a remake of CAST AWAY from Wilson's point of view. #scriptsky #filmsky

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is burned for heresy.

A bunch of dudes are growing mustaches to make other dudes think about tickling their prostates. Unrelated: there's a thing called Movember.

I want a full-back tattoo of a hairless back.

If a drama/comedy is called a dramedy, would a drama/comedy set in the desert be called a dromedary? #scriptsky #filmsky

I wonder how many politicians would pass the Voight-Kampff test?

I think I would really like sushi if it wasn't for all that fish and seaweed and stuff.

"Give the Governor a harumph!"

Talking to Beautiful Wife about the slang from my teen years. Her: Like "Yo, Daddy-O?" Apparently she thinks I was a teen in the 1920s.

I hear the Miss Universe contest is on. I hadn't even known an earthling had reached the finals in Miss Galaxy Cluster.

Mayonnaise is made from eggs. If you put mayonnaise on a chicken sandwich, you could be creating a family reunion.

Is there a master list of all the people who promised to GTFO if Mamdani won?

If you could give up your need for sleep, but in exchange your life would by 1/3 shorter, would you do it?

Politicians are feckless and corrupt for the same reason that movies are trite and shallow -- because that's what the consumer rewards.

Is there a female version of being "cocksure"?

At film markets, trying to sell a movie by saying it's a good movie is a losing strategy. You sell a movie by showing it's a sellable movie. #filmsky

If you break laws, you shouldn’t call yourself a law-enforcement agency.

In some alternate dimension, I am universally adored. This idea comforts me in this dimension, which has much poorer taste.

May the [mass times acceleration] be with you.

In a world of 8 billion people, you'd think a few of us would have mutant superpowers by now.

It's been a long time since I've punched anyone in the face. Maybe too long.

Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." Grey's Law: "Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice."

As part of their licensing, tattoo artists should have to pass a spelling test.

If people thought statistically instead of anecdotally, propaganda would be a lot harder to pull off.

It's really convenient to be able accuse everyone who disagrees with you of being part of some huge conspiracy. Try it some time.

I hate it when you leave, but I love to watch you walk away.

Physicists use the terms "dark matter" and "dark energy" only because the terms "WTF?" and "LOLwut?" sound unprofessional.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

We live in a strange world when "I want the best quality of life for the most people" can be taken as a partisan statement.

I miss Halloween in Los Angeles. Or as they call it in West Hollywood, "Gay High Holy Day."

A friend asked why he didn't see me at his Halloween party. I told him I went as Jimmy Hoffa.

For Halloween I'm going as myself. But sexy.

I'm trying this

I wonder if "Trick? or Treat?" means something different to sex workers.

The pagan origins of All Hallow's Eve involved lots of nekkidness, and a general lack of inhibitions. You gonna let the pagans show you up?

You get to build your dream house, but you have to decide: - secret passageway or - fireman pole

Once bitten, twice shy. Unless you're in to that sort of thing.

Hyperbole is the worst.

Not every change is an improvement, but every improvement requires change.

Every improvement requires change, but not every change is an improvement.

My totem animal is a turducken.

THE INTERNET: Facilitating the illusion of asymmetrical insight since 1988.

Caveat scriptor #scriptsky

I have chosen a new career path. I’m going to become the kind of mercenary who gets hired to protect the mansionbunker of a billionaire. Because as soon as money doesn’t matter anymore, I and my mercenary friends will own a mansionbunker.

Don't listen to music that suits the mood you're in. Listen to music that suits the mood you want to be in.

What happens in Vegas might be resistant to penicillin.