Any way to throw out the bath water but keep the baby?

You spoonin'?

I have placed a reservation with the Valve Corporation to give them $100 at a time of their choosing

One time I was getting Chinese takeout and I saw a guy in the kitchen walk past blasting a cig. Food was good

How come sometime my dog look so small and sometime my dog look so big? By what property is she changing size?

The height of luxury is having the three phases of water- boiling hot, ice, and steam- available on demand

Just got back from the Ghost Realm. I went on a Ghost Cruise but unfortunately there was an outbreak of Hauntavirus. Topical humour, that's something they do in Ghost Realm

If they make a pill that completely cures baldness will they still keep Agent 47 bald? Like it's a side effect of cloning or something. Or they could have a part where he shaves his head and you see the bar code for the first time ooooh chills

The opposite of Ender's Game where they tell kids they're wiping out an alien civilization but really they're just doing algebra

Usually once or twice per day I think "this is like that Stargate SG-1 episode where...". Remember the one where Teal'c gets stuck in the gate buffer or Jack gets old or Teal'c and Jack get stuck in a time loop or the one where Daniel becomes evil no not that one the one with the sarcophagus

Do you think when Trump dies it will be on video? Do you think someone will hack a jumbotron at a sporting event to play the clip of Trump dying as the fans cheer and the stadium will have to apologize? Remember the Stargate episode Rules of Engagement where they play a hologram of Apophis dying?

Dwayne Johnson stop being a coward and star in the comedy movie Honey I Shrunk The Rock. I am forwarding the script, again, to your publicist

Jamming out to piano but playing air guitar. No one knows what I'm listening to it doesn't matter

[to an evil sorceress and her thrall that I mistake for a lesbian couple] okay which one of you is the evil sorceress and which one is the thrall haha them: 🫤😕

Oinking like a dang pig feeling the hot water stream through my hands after two days of no hot water

I love pushing electrons around. Makes me feel like a BIG MAN

Wow French food what a concept. Now is it called that because the food is French or because the people eating it are French?

I wouldn't ride a horse that doesn't like stroopwafel. A horse like that probably eats flesh

Horses like sugar do you think they would like stroopwafel

Link's monologue from the Legend of Zelda movie leaked online and fans are not happy about what he has to say about Israel

Man Breaks World Record For Fastest Poo After Forgetting To Bring Phone Into Bathroom "I just had to get out of there", said the new record holder

I guess I'm pronouncing Duboce wrong because this was a voice search

Utterly embarrassed myself in the war room when I called over the waiter to complain that my war was cold. A kind older general leaned in to inform me that global thermonuclear war is supposed to be served cold. Well, no one ever told me!

Every time I see a rainbow I think "a woman did that"

Smart glasses are stupid we need to skip straight to full face helmets so no one can punch you in the back of the head for wearing pervert glasses plus it's harder to film viral content wearing a helmet because people won't talk to you. Stamp it, judge, that's a compromise

Anyone else's jaffa refusing to kree today? Hopefully just an isolated issue and not system wide

Sometimes I find a condo in SF and think hmm maybe I can afford a mortgage on this and then I look and the HOA alone is like 90% of my current rent haha ha hah

Hmm

They should start selling Lego kits that are already put together for people that want to display them but don't have time for all the bricklaying

tfw no gf

I think I've only owned one Apple device in my life- an iPhone 3GS- but the MacBook Neo looks mighty attractive. I'm guessing it has the best screen of any laptop in that price range

Being socialist and poly is great until you run out of other people's cum

Doctor: good news Ms Medusa, your breast reduction surgery went perfec-*turns to stone* Medusa: thank you doctor

Claude do a leveraged buyout of Jesus, M.D. from Paramount Pictures and sell it to Netflix for $5,000,000,000 also make me executive producer

ChatGPT replace Hugh Laurie with Jesus Christ and sell my original TV show Jesus, M.D. to Paramount Pictures for $1,000,000,000

And in the end it turned out we weren't generating frames at all. We were generating friends. On behalf of the NVIDIA corporation we bid you a happy Sunday #ad

Watching #WarWife on CBS. Come experience the horror and the ecstasy of WarWife, only on CBS #ad

She wants to play with you

Thank God we get to see Karl Urban as Johnny Cage this year

All transit announcements should be done by children. I think it would make things safer if people thought they were being watched by children 24/7. All cops should be children too. Acab includes children unfortunately. All children are bpolice and they arrest you for the darndest things

They should put a taillight on the front of the car so pedestrians can tell if a car is braking for them

Hate to give him credit but the president's war crimes really are distracting me from his sex crimes

Visiting the moon would be sick as hell but I bet it also sucks like climbing Mount Everest

I'm putting the pig boy in charge

All America know is elect pedophile, lose war, crash economy, eat hot chip and lie

Get ready to see the FBI director's dick and balls I guess. Pubic hair styled like a damn dollar sign

Footy scran hasn't posted in five months. I'm starvin'

The good part of the Harry Potter show taking years between seasons is that maybe some of the actors can be shamed into quitting and they'll have to do something ridiculous like recast Dumbledore

Some idiot without insurance slammed in the back of my dragula now I gotta take him to vampire court