oh boy the internet is annoying as fuck today

there isn't a soul on this planet that can shame you into loving yourself, that includes you yourself

i don't know, i just want to feel like i TRIED this year at least. i want to be able to stand on my own legs, yes, but i want to feel like i made an effort to push myself up if nothing else

trying desperately to reframe anxiety and failure in my mind. it's okay to fuck up, it's okay to not get it right the first time, it's okay to have at least just TRIED and it's okay to have to learn new things

the interview seemed to go fine enough and i liked that nobody looked at me like they wanted to fucking kill me on my way out unlike my last job, i feel like that's usually a good sign

extremely anxious and terrified, but we ball (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧

i should really try to sleep but the Anxiety™ is big

realizing i probably have absolutely no shot at the job i have an interview for tomorrow but it'll be good experience at the very least

got an interview tomorrow wish me some fucking luck 🙏

they should invent a way of sitting for several hours that doesn't make you feel like your butt is going to fall off tbh

taking today as a brief break from applying and going to try to dedicate the day to drawing, i think

i don't need anyone else to know i'm trying but me

even if i can't get them out as fast as i used to, they're still higher quality than i ever could've put out then and i have more ideas for things than i've had in years, i care more now to see them done right, that's all it is

i feel just fine 💖

if i could draw faster i could vent faster

god i loooove obsessively checking emails it's so so so soooooo fun

this has been on repeat for the last two days among a couple other things lmao www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL0t...

i wish i could teach myself how to let things be okay as just a sketch tbh but i always start something and want to do more with it and then i get carried away and end up with yet another unfinished WIP that should've been done at the first step

"chat with our bot to start your application for this position and-" just let me fill it out MANUALLY like you will when i've answered your stupid bot's QUESTIONS in the fucking FIRST PLACE this step is UNNECESSARY and fucking INFURIATING

woke up thinking about this post, btw

reeeeeally feeling Vana right now

i've spent way too long looking at the wrong people for approval, i've spent too long begging for love from people who will never give it. i'm going to burn off that need

i know who cares about me, i know who values me, and if it's not going to be you, that's alright with me now. i can bear loneliness a little longer if it means i can let you go when i get to the other side of it all

honestly?? if you're that comfortable in your misconceptions, it doesn't fall on me to change them. think what you will, i'm not willing to carry that anymore

feeling mildly manic

"give respect but don't expect to receive it in return" is such a wild thing to try to teach people tbh

i don't understand people who preach about how families should all love each other unconditionally, i think you can tell who usually came from a good and loving home based on whether or not they hold the belief that you should love someone just because they're family

honestly i kinda wanna just end it all lmao

everything that made me happy a couple years ago feels so distorted it's unrecognizable

i need to calm down i don't know why i'm so angry but it's making me feel like i'm overheating

extreme paranoia spike hit hard and i feel explosive

god i need to get up and do something with my day i have just been laying here

anyway name a character you feel this way about

you know i haven't been really into anything disney in years but something i've always wondered is like... does anyone at all actually consider maleficent the "most evil disney villain"?????

ch... chiitan???????

anyway taking part in the free login period for ffxiv got me interested in it again, it's a shame i'm broke and have extreme social anxiety that extends to online games 🥹👍

genuinely don't think hearing a smoker's cough has ever pissed me off more than it does lately

managed to find something to eat but it was really hard and i'm getting so frustrated about food

weird substance on the food i was saving for tonight, so i guess i'm not eating today :)

really want like a cute cafe/coffee game for my phone but can't seem to find anything i think looks cute or like it plays well :')

highly frustrated

playing a new game called "is this envy or do i just wish i was receiving the same basic levels of care as everyone else"

oh dear

really need to clean my mousepad sometime soon but don't actually know how to go about doing it because i don't want to throw it in the machine... i should probably watch a tutorial or something on it when i have the time and don't plan on using it 😔

this is such a sad time of year to have absolutely no money and no real form of income because all the clothes that are out are so so cute

update: the conversation actually went extremely well for once and a solution to my problem has been potentially worked out

preparing myself to approach a difficult conversation with my mother, reminding myself that a conversation being potentially difficult doesn't mean it's one that doesn't need to happen

actually on the topic of fatal frame, i'm going to talk about something because i keep seeing some posts going around that really irk me:

gonna do my laundry today, take a shower, then try to get myself to actually play fatal frame for the rest of the day

anyway one of the cats kicked me out of my bed today because me using it to sleep in was interrupting her napping under the covers time, how disrespectful of me 😔