I'm chugging a giant margarita while taking a shit, then hanging some blinds. Hot dad summer I guess. Let's put some holes in the wall babeeee

Blowing up the woke shitter at the hospital (my wife is having surgery [I'm nervous] )

Shit

Kristi 'dog murderer' Noem Guess all life ain't sacred after all huh? Get it trending or w/e the equivalent is for skeets.

Going to Medieval Times with me is like going to amateur wrestling with your kinda slow friend that thinks it's real. I'm just hootin' and hollerin' with a Cornish hen on one first and a bucket of beer in the other, screaming for blood.

My wife requested that I break the Black Friday protocols and put up the tree early. I refused until I realized this was my opportunity to get her to clean up her 'treasure' piles. For every pile of treasures rectified, she can put up the tree one day earlier than black Friday. There's a contract.

My wife, shouting from the bathroom: "What the fuck, you need to drink more water!" Jokes on her, that's diarrhea.

Adventures in Cross-Threading, Feat. My wife, part dux.

Why does Oscar the Grouch look like the world's dankest bud?

Painting boyz is slow going. Luckily all the vehicles and shit just get red for go-fasta or yellow for industrial loader vibes.

This is my wife, talking about our baby

My favorite un-verified personal opinion/ conspiracy theory is that the push-back against MSG is mostly motivated by anti-asiam racism. MSG makes everything taste way better.

Good thing Club God never met my wife before I did. A sonic slushee and some whataburger would have her happy as a clam.

Fellas, is it punk to love your wife and make fun of dipshits that make ball and chain jokes?

Welcome 2 da nerd zone. (Please send me more Boyz)

I piss exclusively in the children's urinal at work because it makes me feel like a giant.

It smells like a whole gang of motherfuckers had a farting party in my bedroom. It's just my wife and baby in here...

My baby: Ahh, time for a nap. My Dog: TIME TO EAT KIBBLE SUPER LOUD, COUGH, THEN SLURP WATER. ALSO , BARK, I NEED TO GO PISS.

I made 2 apple pies. One with added sugar, one without. They're good.

I bought som Ork Boyz on a whim today and there's so many fucking greeblies... I don't even play Warhammer, I just like the Ork aesthetic. In other news, I now own 1000 3mmx1mm rare earth magnets.

Pulled 10 ticks off the dog this morning. Looked like 2 female and 8 male adult black-leg ticks. I wonder how many nymphs there are on him.

Lmao, 33 and i just learned about Temple Grandin.

Puckin

Looking this fuckin cat.

My dog lives for pissing in political yard-signs. It might say "Vote for Billy Dickchuck and Sarah Plainclothes, the team to save you green!" He just sees "Please piss on me, I'm so thirsty for dog piss!"

The worst part of the last decade was comic book movies becoming mainstream and letting the nerds come out of the locker, stuff them back in.

Yeah, meat pie looks like hammered dogshit. Tastes fine.

I tried to make a meat pie out of leftovers. It's uhh... Rustic. It probably isn't gonna be pretty.

Untangled my daughters hair in 5 minutes b/c my wife had a crying jag about it being tangled in the back. I may be bald now, but I once had hair and it was very curly. Detangling is automatic, like a wizard doing the somatic component of a spell. Basically, I am the world's greatest dad.

Humans: *give up fur for more brain energy* Also Humans: "Grug cold" *wears animal skin because giving up fur was a bad evolutionary choice* Anyway it's cold in my house.

I'm looking in the background of every picture for bongs and dildos and bugs in the wall like this is a TLC reality show.

I'm full of gnocchi and beignets.

What tabs you got open on your phone browser? 1. Dune (novel) Wikipedia page. 2. Thayer open enrollment. 3. Skeleton 3-peice suit. 4. Battletech wiki.

Hellstrom's Hive is a super good Halloween book to read and also I love seeing the reflections of Dune in it.

Without downloading any new pics, where are you at mentally?

Hoping the decal covers where I blue-tacked the model for painting. Also, I think whoever designed the Keldon class made it explicitly to confuse the art department.

My IOT mattress sucked me off and my wife is pissed.

eyes too dry and ass too wet just how I like it

First try doing a model with gluing and painting and decals. I've painted minis before but holy hell this was more involved. I've got a Cardassian boat and God damn ds9 to do next. I'm gonna turn the model into a mobile for my daughter I think.

I texted my mom baby pictures and she left me on read. She's texting my wife, lmao.

My wife got a sumo book for me to read to the baby and it's cute as hell. Sumo Mouse by Daniel Wisniewski!

Who's Tuggin'?

She got that Protestant twerk ethic. Gyrating from the roosters crow to dinner bell. poppin that thang

It's fat bear week. Share this shit and vote for the fattest bear.

One time I saw a pick-up truck with a roof rack with 2 bicycles on it. Nothing in the bed.

The dental hygienist liked my Dune shirt but when she told me she hadn't read the books I sneered at her. Oops.

I ate some undercooked salmon and well, let's just say there's some new friends living in my intestines.

Every study ever: Overworked employees are less productive. Employees who work from home are just as productive as employees who work in the office. The evidence is indisputable. Managers: I see. But I have a hunch that the complete opposite is true.

My wife just read my entire busky because she doesn't trust me. She said "Don't dox yourself" Anyway, here's my home address:

My baby has decided that log-rolling everywhere is faster and more efficient than crawling.