I think that within our lifetimes science will bring an end to the needless cruelty of the fur industry by genetically engineering chinchillas that have it fuckin' COMING

At what point in the popularization of social media did the hydraulic press guys...know? When did they start saying to each other "Guys. GUYS. We are gonna be HUGE."

The Three Fundamental Principles of Good Writing: 1) Be clear, impactful, and concise 2) Don't be unclear, dull, or repetitive 3) Be unclear, dull, or repetitive if that helps achieve the effect you want D) Subvert expectations 5) Irony

(to the tune of "My Hat (It Has Three Corners)") 🎶My butt, it has three condoms🎶 🎶Three condoms up my butt🎶 🎶With unrefined opium🎶 🎶Brought here from Gujarat🎶

One thing I love about Madison is that you have pretty good odds of bumping into Rob Dz on any given night. A delightful person who has also fought some long uphill battles in our local cultural scenes. Rob had a heart attack last week. Please help him out if you can.

We don't talk enough about the prosocial uses of Necromancy, like all the lives saved by employing undead fire brigades

Starting a new religion whose orthodoxy is based not on alleged divine revelations, but on empirical evidence, logical inference, and universal principles of ethics. It's a non-prophet organization.

Girth is wasted on the hung

Skepticism is healthy - I would argue not accepting new ideas until they've had a chance to be thoroughly tested and confirmed is critically important for society. But I don't expect you to believe that just because I said so.

Aragorn: Listen, I'm a little worn out from doing king stuff tonight, do you mind if I... Arwen: ...tag in an army of ghosts again to finish me off? I honestly prefer it at this point.

Vuvuzelas: putting the "kazoo" back in "Shaka Zulu"

I can't believe I never thought of THE LIVESTREAM OF ANNE FRANK as either A. a sketch premise or B. a real situation this dumbest of all timelines would inevitably produce

When two people are having sex on a bed, does the monster under the bed know what's going up there? Is it freaked out by the shaking? Or is it maybe into it? If so, does its presence technically make it a three-way?

Did Duncan Hunter ever manage to track down and kill a SINGLE Duncan?

A breezily irreverent take on the Orientalist desert romance subgenre of bodice-ripper, parodic (but surprisingly hardcore): TONGUE IN SHEIKH

[To the tune of "Santeria"] 🎶 I don't want NonCon or Guro 🎶 Don't show me NTR 🎶 I didn't ask for Scat or Vore 🎶 ...but here we are

"Sandy Koufax" sounds like a Lady Problem you get after a day at the beach

I have once again been shadowbanned* from all means of public expression** due solely to my boldly controversial*** opinions**** *politely asked to leave **a Wendy's ***ceaseless and thunderous ****flatulence

New rock just dropped

I saw an interesting documentary about synaesthesia the other day on the radio

Two words you very rarely hear in the same sentence but I have occasion to do so all the time lately: "shat" and "thrice." I shat thrice today, making it thrice this week I've shat thrice in a day.

"Milestone" looks like it should rhyme with "minestrone"

The lack of available public restrooms in major cities is a going concern

Word of advice: before you get too excited about visiting a trap-and-skeet club, be aware most of them actually have next to no femboys OR bukkake.

#AbsurdlySouthernNames - Augue Boto - Buford Pusser - Gentner Drummond - Ginger Gooch - Hudley Crockett - Jefferson Beauregard Sessions - Orval Faubus - Rex Tillerson - Saxby Chambliss - States' Rights Gist - T. Boone Pickens - Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh - Willy Dee "Haystacks" Calhoun - Zell Miller

When you have those palace intrigues where the concubines are struggling for status and power against the eunuchs, is that considered an Absence-of-a-Dick Measuring Contest?

Eleven new spiders just dropped

Caterer: So when you said you needed people to "serve spirits" we kinda thought you meant alcohol Necromancer: This is Xa'arthas the Unvanquished Xa'arthas the Unvanquished: I SEE BEYOND MORTAL TIME Necromancer: He'll have an Old Fashioned Xa'arthas the Unvanquished: WISCONSIN STYLE

Just a reminder that Madison has an incredible resource in @4starvideo.bsky.social, which has an easy DVD subscription plan (they have lots of TV shows too), and a Madison Public Library card gets you access to both physical media rentals and the free Kanopy streaming service, which is pretty good!

Muppet Rappers: - Big Boid - Lil' Kermit - Miss Piggy Elliot - Elmo Elmo Cool J - Oscar the Creator - 2 Chains! Ah ha ha! - Ol' Fozzie Bearstard - Del, the Funky Snuffleupagus - Dr. Dre and the Electric Mayhem

Me: I smell peanut butter Grandma: I made cookies Me: These aren't peanut butter cookies, these are lizard September Grandma: I maple grief the how landing mended My Brain Surgeon: Welp. I definitely wasn't supposed to cut there Me: I taste copper

Ventriloquist's Girlfriend's Vagina: "For my next impression: Joey Chestnut!"

On the not-so-sad occasion of Charlie Kirk's death today, we would like to discuss his connection to fascism and fascist reactions to his death.

Me: [picks locks on handcuffs] [dislocates shoulder] [wriggles out of ropes] [picks locks on chains binding me to chair] [removes gag] Dominatrix: [on phone with supervisor] I don't think he's getting it but seems like he's having fun

I have my lapel ribbon for National Miniaturization Ray Mishap Awareness Month

One of the most confusing and difficult things about heartache is that it doesn't rhyme with mustache

"Guido" makes a really effective slur for Italians because it doubles as a description of under-cooked pizza

Someone should make a website where you can look at Tweets

Definitely feels like a missed trick if you're a rapper to not name your mansion "VERSEailles."

MST3K was VTuber reaction videos 30 years before that was a thing - discuss

JD Vance is like if Ted Cruz was breastfed by the Wire Monkey

When you won't get in trouble no matter how much you break wind, that's called "farte blanche"

Recent thoughts on Twitter:

#Headline French pastry scientists believe they may have discovered the fundamental crumb from which all baked goods are constructed: the elusive "Higgs Croissant"

The opposite of Nostradamus is Yesinteveyall

A running schnauzer, seen from directly in front, looks like a Muppet Friedrich Nietzsche playing the bongos

The two kinds of mmoner are co- and su-.

A sitcom about Hollywood cinematographers/camera crew hanging out after work at a bar called the Establishing Shot

Denver, CO is a great city for perverts given how often one hears the phrase "more than five thousand feet."

Bin Laden: I can kill 3000 Americans & trigger both a recession and a freakout that depletes the US military and diplomatic credibility; all I need are a couple planes Putin: That's nothing; I can kill millions of Americans and permanently hobble their economy; all I need is a handful of pedophiles