I want to host a lesbian mixer at my house

My lovers breath smells like belted vinegar mayo and French fries from royal tavern and I can’t stop huffing it!!!

For the record I have never said girly to address anyone and I’m still uneasy/ironic with my use of queen

The worst feeling is finding out you caught a stray Mandela effect after googling Alex Trebec

I hope when I die I meet Style.com in heaven cause I’ve been missing her all these years

Is eckhaus latta profitable?

Walking away is the new Again by Lenny Kravitz, rock wit me now

You absolutely cannot shitpost on main if you have a job and a weight problem because people are going to be sad and ask if you are OK, which you are not!

I say let Baggu die, it’s ok! Some good-enough things must come to an end.

Got a notification from Amazon that my mom bought the noble eightfold path on my credit card…

One time I heard a lesbian say that it was unfair that straight people have an easier time conceiving and at first I disagreed but now I’m not sure how I feel about anything

Use brain to work but brain hurt when work

People I’ve known my whole life keep asking me when we’re having kids but they’re forgetting I’ve been having kids literally this whole time. My children are everywhere, it’s kinda gross.

I’m not sure about this, Kim Gordon

Anal eyes analyze anal lies

HAIM, you will never charm me, there is only room for one clumsy loser in this world and you guys are clearly faking it

Those Bink water bottles are not cool, you bitches are annoying as fuck trying to get me to buy one. Do you think Isabelle Huppert drinks from a Bink? Fucking losers all of you.

I feel old and sad

I know the names of all my future chickens

Question for L.A. Paul: when a person assigns a personal transformation to something that is merely an epistemic transformation in their experience of a new movie, like it was a religious experience, am I right to think they’re really annoying?

My favorite word is durrrrrrr

People always say to me, “what the hell are you talking about?”

People have this idea of me that I’m a manic pixie dream girl, denying the fact I’m human, I have processes with which I observe & feel things. You project an image upon me that confirms your desires & expectations. A reviewer of my favorite film, Elizabethtown coined MPDG. It is simply an idea.

Change of plans, we want to do jury duty now! 😁

Some people love the release of shitting. Is that what it is? I get more satisfaction and release from crying and scaring myself from being the craziest version of myself for a second that it puts everything in perspective.

It might surprise you, but I use Microsoft Word a lot and I’m super unimpressed by the AI spellcheck. For example, I wrote “dail” instead of “fail,” as I intended and the only options to correct were dial, Dails (proper noun?), and dais. Please bring back the old spellcheck.

Violently woken by my nightmare. Aziz and Donald wearing tuxes, running up the Venice boardwalk, playing banjo and singing Hallelujah. I feel like I’m going crazy.

Duuuude I’m so dumb lol!! For a second, I thought the lightening I saw through the window was a nuclear explosion and that a wall of fire was on its way, but then I heard the smooth hiss of car tires roll across the wet pavement and drops of rain catch on the yellowing ginkgo leaves yet to drop.

I thought it would be funny to start reading My Year of Rest and Relaxation in the year 2024, but I didn’t expect the copy I borrowed from the library to be dog-earred on page five. Now that’s hilarious!

Guys!! (Jess from New Girl voice)