Friends Kafka
@caspereleam.bsky.social
📤 58
📥 26
📝 134
i have superior taste in literally everything
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Colin Firth is my favorite actor, followed by Colin Thecond
about 1 year ago
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Why do southerners think the word y'all is theirs? You don't get to own EVERYTHING
18 days ago
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At this rate they'll be calling it the Noemberg Trials
#ICE
20 days ago
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I manipulate women by bringing them over and purposely letting my dog go on the floor and then cleaning it up, thus putting the idea in her head that I'm clean
26 days ago
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There are cultures who believe that each home has its own deity. They all have a little sign on their house that says "beware of god"
about 1 month ago
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If you're a heavy sleeper, just have someone take a photo while you're sleeping and you'll wake right up. That's what my f***kin dog does anyway
about 1 month ago
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The child mortality rate in the 1800s was 50%. Talk about born in the wrong generation
2 months ago
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Booger Hiccup by Hawktuah Twins
2 months ago
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Bought poster putty and got arrested for tacks evasion
2 months ago
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Referring to the maternity ward as "bornhub"
3 months ago
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spinach is queer coded
4 months ago
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Nationalists actually have a lot in common with Columbus. Once they die, they'll end up at the wrong location.
4 months ago
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Fun fact, halloween is part of a broader aesthetic called ciderpunk
4 months ago
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Never bring a knife to a gun fight. It's against the rules
4 months ago
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Little known fact, the first ever strain of crack is called OG Bush
5 months ago
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My girl said she could fix me, but I still ended up cheating. Whelp, guess who's getting dumped for their lying ass.
6 months ago
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i've noticed my friends haven't been listening to me talk to myself lately
6 months ago
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sword that sings "don't stand so close to me" when orcs are near
6 months ago
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Bottle says refrigerate after opening but it doesnt say when to drink
7 months ago
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I can beat up any dude who thinks he can land a plane
7 months ago
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Dating siamese twins but they share a body and also a head
7 months ago
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I have so little faith in myself i get imposter syndrome when i make scrambled eggs
7 months ago
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Just found out my sister has an onlyfans. Right now I wish I'd been an onlychild.
8 months ago
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Telling the worst people I know that I can't make it to their surprise party
9 months ago
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Upstairs neighbors being loud again, don't have a broom so I gotta stack up a buncha shit so I can bang my roomba against the ceiling
9 months ago
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My inner monologue finally hit puberty
10 months ago
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"They're sneaking into our country," says man trying to sneak into heaven
10 months ago
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Church of Scientology sponsored chewing gum called L Ron Hubba Bubba
10 months ago
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If you use lead-free paint then you probably drink o'douls you pussy
10 months ago
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They're not really missed opportunities if I shoot them point blank. When it comes to killing dreams I've got 100% accuracy.
11 months ago
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I'm actually a progressive conservative. The earth is flat because there's a hole in the ozone layer, which lets out all the carbonation.
11 months ago
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Falafel are just Egyptian hush puppies and crop circles are biblically accurate snow angels. You're welcome.
11 months ago
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Going to the clown Taco Bell for some bajajajaja blast
12 months ago
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Got the "jolly good fellow" insurance policy cuz nobody can deny
12 months ago
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Get bit by a vampire, turn into a bat. Get bit by an umpire, same.
12 months ago
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When people say "on god" I think of french people swordfighting
12 months ago
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Hindsight's always 20/20 when you find out you're adopted
12 months ago
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Opening my door with the very same debit card that got declined for calling out a locksmith
12 months ago
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Butt-dial on a rotary phone
about 1 year ago
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Sometimes I feel like a waste of space, that's why im having myself cremated
about 1 year ago
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"Christmas came early this year" yeah probably cant find the clit either
about 1 year ago
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"Every accusation is a confession." Okay homo
about 1 year ago
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No seals in the AARP, kinda weird if you ask me
about 1 year ago
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Homeless magician tried to pull a coin from behind my ear and it didn't work, what a fraud
about 1 year ago
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My job has all the benefits except for the benefit of a doubt, no I am not getting high in the bathroom
about 1 year ago
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I love hearing bless you so much I have to sneeze twice, maybe even a third time
about 1 year ago
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I've always preferred indoor swimming, ever since i was a fetus
about 1 year ago
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Don't roast me unless it's a french roast, meaning you gotta use your tongue
about 1 year ago
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I drink because of social anxiety, which is why I only drink at home
about 1 year ago
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I take a brown paper bag with me everywhere and pretend to have a panic attack, that way no one knows I'm just a paint huffer
about 1 year ago
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The biggest difference between me and jeffrey dahmer is that i don't kill or eat people
about 1 year ago
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