Why do southerners think the word y'all is theirs? You don't get to own EVERYTHING

At this rate they'll be calling it the Noemberg Trials #ICE

I manipulate women by bringing them over and purposely letting my dog go on the floor and then cleaning it up, thus putting the idea in her head that I'm clean

There are cultures who believe that each home has its own deity. They all have a little sign on their house that says "beware of god"

If you're a heavy sleeper, just have someone take a photo while you're sleeping and you'll wake right up. That's what my f***kin dog does anyway

The child mortality rate in the 1800s was 50%. Talk about born in the wrong generation

Booger Hiccup by Hawktuah Twins

Bought poster putty and got arrested for tacks evasion

Referring to the maternity ward as "bornhub"

spinach is queer coded

Nationalists actually have a lot in common with Columbus. Once they die, they'll end up at the wrong location.

Fun fact, halloween is part of a broader aesthetic called ciderpunk

Never bring a knife to a gun fight. It's against the rules

Little known fact, the first ever strain of crack is called OG Bush

My girl said she could fix me, but I still ended up cheating. Whelp, guess who's getting dumped for their lying ass.

i've noticed my friends haven't been listening to me talk to myself lately

sword that sings "don't stand so close to me" when orcs are near

Bottle says refrigerate after opening but it doesnt say when to drink

I can beat up any dude who thinks he can land a plane

Dating siamese twins but they share a body and also a head

I have so little faith in myself i get imposter syndrome when i make scrambled eggs

Just found out my sister has an onlyfans. Right now I wish I'd been an onlychild.

Telling the worst people I know that I can't make it to their surprise party

Upstairs neighbors being loud again, don't have a broom so I gotta stack up a buncha shit so I can bang my roomba against the ceiling

My inner monologue finally hit puberty

"They're sneaking into our country," says man trying to sneak into heaven

Church of Scientology sponsored chewing gum called L Ron Hubba Bubba

If you use lead-free paint then you probably drink o'douls you pussy

They're not really missed opportunities if I shoot them point blank. When it comes to killing dreams I've got 100% accuracy.

I'm actually a progressive conservative. The earth is flat because there's a hole in the ozone layer, which lets out all the carbonation.

Falafel are just Egyptian hush puppies and crop circles are biblically accurate snow angels. You're welcome.

Going to the clown Taco Bell for some bajajajaja blast

Got the "jolly good fellow" insurance policy cuz nobody can deny

Get bit by a vampire, turn into a bat. Get bit by an umpire, same.

When people say "on god" I think of french people swordfighting

Hindsight's always 20/20 when you find out you're adopted

Opening my door with the very same debit card that got declined for calling out a locksmith

Butt-dial on a rotary phone

Sometimes I feel like a waste of space, that's why im having myself cremated

"Christmas came early this year" yeah probably cant find the clit either

"Every accusation is a confession." Okay homo

No seals in the AARP, kinda weird if you ask me

Homeless magician tried to pull a coin from behind my ear and it didn't work, what a fraud

My job has all the benefits except for the benefit of a doubt, no I am not getting high in the bathroom

I love hearing bless you so much I have to sneeze twice, maybe even a third time

I've always preferred indoor swimming, ever since i was a fetus

Don't roast me unless it's a french roast, meaning you gotta use your tongue

I drink because of social anxiety, which is why I only drink at home

I take a brown paper bag with me everywhere and pretend to have a panic attack, that way no one knows I'm just a paint huffer

The biggest difference between me and jeffrey dahmer is that i don't kill or eat people