I've simply decided that I'm ✨immune✨ to Red 40

If you think about it, the back is the butt of the arms

She's about to learn what weed is

talked to myself a little too enthusiastically and my dog came in to see what was going on (it was boring; he was disappointed)

Is it xenophobic to make fun of my dogs for not knowing enough English?

In My America, you would need to submit for a permit to be legally allowed to spell your business's name with a "K" when the word normally starts with a "C". The likelihood of receiving approval for said permit would be slim to none, but you'd be welcome to try.

very little in life is more confounding to me than the way that Gen Xers use ellipses

Does anyone else ever just randomly get the urge to buy some Heelys?

I really think they should be more inclusive and pick an atheist Pope this time

In My America, arena concerts would be priced this way

Just downvoted someone on reddit for putting "seen" instead of "saw" and it brought me more glee than it probably should have

I would just like to thank Sabrina Carpenter for what she's done for our country in teaching people that "espresso" doesn't have an "x" in it

I'll be honest: the lack of a bidet at the office is probably in my top 5 reasons that I prefer working from home

Sometimes I think that buying a hot pink Razr on eBay would heal something in me.

Wallace Shawn was one of the best cast additions that Gossip Girl ever made

Imagine having a child and allowing them to destroy your Spotify Wrapped every year

I'm rewatching Gossip Girl and I have become convinced that Blair Waldorf would love and excel at D&D if the right circumstances unfolded for her to willingly play it.

Dear lord please let Mike Tyson beat the absolute living hell out of Jake Paul or at the very least, let him bite one of Jake’s ears off, amen

Jake Paul was born the same year Mike Tyson bit off that ear. Just seems like a poetic time to try it again.

In My America, all public bathrooms (including those in privately owned buildings like offices) will be required by law to have some sort of ambiant music or white noise.

Where did they find this photo of me

In My America, you will be heavily fined if you don't have some sort of "Our Story" section on your wedding website. I NEED TO KNOW

Important

Wow the automatic toilet just flushed while I was still sitting. Must be because I'm so skinny.

A few weeks ago we took the sign down for a couple days because of potential high winds and Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on the door for the first time...

We were running late to the gym this morning but then we saw a raccoon on our drive there. Burnt toast theory lives on.

Pretty sure this is not a microphone, though it might make ya sing...

Okay I ate some rotisserie chicken and feel a little more like I'll be able to handle the day

I'll be okay I just need my weekly ham & cheese croissant

You'll never convince me that it's not hilarious to say "See you next year!"

I miss the days when my biggest financial concern was whether I had enough left in my iTunes gift card balance to buy the newest episode of Gossip Girl

if you can delulu it you can do it

A consummate professional

The National Dog Show is my Superbowl

Once again here I am getting fired up over the scam that is US internet offerings

Why do some companies play the same message every 10 seconds while you're waiting to talk to a representative? Just let me vibe to the hold music in peace!!

If you don't say "good morning" to your pet every time you see them wake up then we have nothing to talk about

I got this sign for our yard and Michael goes "it'll keep away the Jehovah's Witnesses"

Nobody talks about how hard it is to remember to maintain a snapstreak with someone you live with

If a benevolent god existed I'd have natural orange hair

If anyone needs a room made messy with dog toys, Bucky will gladly offer his services

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a rotisserie chicken, tearing it apart with my bare hands

I have some pretty gnarly cramps accompanied by occasional waves of nausea and the main thing fueling my workout right now is looking around and reminding myself that none of the men here would be at the gym if they felt like I do.

I know it's his telescope but this looks like a fat blunt

💉 💉 💉 💉 (this is how many we had total)

Comf to slumpf