want really scary halloween decorations? just hang newspapers #haiku

if you don’t have a columbus day haiku just steal one and claim it

with every birthday we resist the embrace of the “large” phone font #haiku

one day you’re still young the next you’ve sprained a muscle from yawning too hard #haiku

ghastly behavior putting ketchup on hotdogs not up for debate

someone just wished me a "happy start of Q4" and my soul gave out #haiku

it's october first let's follow the instructions and wake up greenday #haiku

every six seconds someone out there falls for a stat i just made up #haiku

happy “twenty first night of september” day to all who celebrate #haiku

saturday coffee consumed because i get to not because i must #haiku

what my brain wanted: eight hours of sleep. what it’ll get: eight cups of coffee #haiku

pro tip: never fall  for a tennis player, love means nothing to them #haiku

fine, it’s not the heat it’s the humidity but the heat doesn’t help #haiku

when they say you can’t do something, do it twice and tag them in the post #haiku

i’ve been told i don’t listen to what others say or something like that #haiku

i’m sorry I’m late i was taking deep breaths and putting on a smile #haiku

i could be rich but i treat Target like my own shopping spree game show #haiku

When you risk nothing everything seems easy; what a wasted life

any book can be a coloring book once you’ve stopped giving fucks #haiku

on lazy sundays our tall stacks of unread books give us yearning looks #haiku

good morning to all except those taking too long ordering coffee

i moved to new york to pursue my true passion: stomping lanternflies #haiku

pro tip: never fall  for a tennis player, love means nothing to them #haiku

success is spending as much time reading books as money buying them #haiku

on july fifth we always leave hot dog eating contestants alone #haiku

hates fourth of july: eighteenth-century british this century's dogs #haiku

happy father's day to fathers and sons turning into their fathers #haiku

friday the thirteenths are still far less scary than monday the any #haiku

thank you beyoncé for teaching Americans how to type accents #haiku

some of us don’t need a holiday to feel like monday on tuesday #haiku

not to brag but the waiter just called my order an “excellent choice” #haiku

it seems unfair that mothers get one day while sharks get a whole week #haiku #mothersday

the met gala looks like the millionaire version of a comic-con #haiku

you know that you don’t need a holiday to eat tons of tacos, right? #haiku #cincodemayo

may the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift all be with you #haiku

kentucky derby is for people who like things that last two minutes #haiku

if no one’s told you “it’s gonna be may” yet then it’s gonna be me #haiku

today, don’t forget to wish earth a great day and the moon to fuck off #haiku #earthday

easter beats christmas judgy santa makes two lists the bunny loves all #haiku

don’t know much about easter but three days alone sounds really nice #haiku

are these sales meh or did i get good friday and black friday mixed up #haiku

#haikufeels Oligarchs will grind your muscle and blood into their pink sand beaches🦩

THIS JUST IN from the Department of Government Haiku: This is just to say We took the cold plums away In an unmarked van

happy national haiku poetry day to those who celebrate

oh say can you see those billionaires paying less in taxes than me #haiku

april fools day’s done let's get back to believing everything online #haiku

i feel like i’ve been getting april fools pranked for four months straight now #haiku

on my phone there are more playlists named "gym" than times i’ve been to the gym #haiku

good morning poets and happy taco tuesday to all who observe #haiku