I lost my restaurant job because I couldn’t slice the condiments properly. I just didn’t cut the mustard. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

My grandfather used to say, “Time heals all wounds.” Lovely man. Awful paramedic. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I’ve had the same recurring dream every night since Thursday, where I’m a horse just running around. That’s three nights on the trot. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Welcome to Assumptions Anonymous. I think we all know why we’re here. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give… Is to apply daily. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Did you hear about the guy who swallowed a lamp? He just wanted a light snack. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a midsize vehicle with four wheels, a flat bed in back, that hops off the ground about once every 20-30 seconds? A hiccup truck. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I took a tour of the soda museum. It ended with a pop quiz. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

A philosopher never sits down at work. Stands to reason. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I’ve been off work all week because my pet cow is sick. My boss thinks I’m milking it. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

To the person that keeps stealing my scissors: Will you cut it out? #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I keep turning the TV on half way through a frame of snooker. I just can’t get a break. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Three days ago, my son went upstairs to practice his keyboard. I haven’t seen him synth. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads? A heroine addict. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I love my new hobby, archery… it’s great. But there are a lot of drawbacks. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

After years of research, I finally figured out the secret to a healthy lawn: sprinkle protein powder on the wet morning grass. The discovery was whey over dew. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I told my plants I love them. Now they’re rooting for me. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I came second in a star naming contest. Got a constellation prize. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I connected my new phone to the cloud. Then I started getting mist calls. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Do you know what’s great about orcas? They do a killer whale impression. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

How did the hammerhead shark do on his math test? He nailed it. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Why do novice pirates make terrible singers? Because they can’t hit the high seas. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

What did the judge say to the dentist when he went for an extraction? I want you to remove the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

My friend swears she can smell freshly baked Indian bread from a mile away. I told her that’s naan scents. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I saw the world’s largest egg this week. That will take some beating. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

A friend is allergic to escaping prison. He breaks out in a rash. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

A new tennis player goes to the library and asks for books about aces. “No way”, says the librarian, “You won’t return them.” #funny #jokes #dadjokes

To celebrate our engagement, I wanted to take my fiancée out on an epic adventure in Antarctica. Unfortunately she got cold feet. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

My friend has been engaged over 5 times but never married. That's a lot of near Mrs. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I got asked to leave a hall of mirrors yesterday. I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll see myself out.” #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I lost my job as the rodent keeper at the zoo. No more Mr Mice guy. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

The Pope recently contracted the bird flu. They say he got it from one of the cardinals. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

You really think you can stop me from telling jokes about electricity? You and watt army? #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep? It was pasta bedtime. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I've invented a container which when poured, plays cool jazz music. It's a hip flask. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Where does a magic scientist work? In a labracadabratory. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I suggested to my wife that we go to the bar separately to relive our first date. So I walked over to her and asked, "Hi, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Get lost, I'm not falling for that again!" #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I think the local police horse has a dodgy shoe. It's going good clop, bad clop. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I'm annoyed that my new bubble wrap suit hasn't gone down well. Everyone is having a pop at me. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

What travels along your washing line at 100 miles per hour? Honda pants. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I dreamed someone was shouting "On your marks... Get set..." I woke with a start. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

What's the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the trains. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots? Tyrannosaurus Tex. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Where do Volkswagens go to retire? The old volks home. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Today we celebrate the patron saint of copying people on emails. Saint Francis of a CC. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

In an interview, the boss asked me, “Do you have any experience?” I told him, “Yes, this is my 20th interview.” #funny #jokes #dadjokes

A comma, a period and an exclamation mark were called into court. They were being sentenced. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I was given haggis as an in-flight meal once. I’ve had bad food before, but that was plane offal. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

Superman inherited his X-ray ability from his family. He has parental super vision. #funny #jokes #dadjokes

I’ve invented alphabet butter. Now I just need to spread the word. #funny #jokes #dadjokes