I officially have more tattoos than my partner so he’s now dating a tatted baddie

With the advancement of technology in medicine, you’d think someone would come up with a better way to take x rays of your teeth..WHY IS THE PLASTIC SO DAMN SHARP

Adding “fluent in roasting people” to my resumé

I don’t expect much from a shitty company like PG&E but why haven’t they developed an app yet?

Klay Thompson cheating on THE Megan the stallion makes him a certified scrub

My gym has CBS on some of their TVs and occasionally Survivor will be on. Unfortunately that means I will forget to do my sets because I’m too busy watching Survivor.

My neighbor has 3 kids running and screaming around her place; they literally shake the building but I’M the one that has to pay a pet fee for my 10 pound dog? Yeah okay..

WHY DOES EVERY STORE HAVE A CREDIT CARD NOW? What’s next? Planned parenthood with 5% cash back for every screening?

It’s so unfortunate how ppl discount movies that Robert Pattinson is in because of his Twilight role but the dude has range. He really doesn’t get enough credit as an actor

Realizing you have to take a dump after showering is a universal experience that’s equivalent to forgetting to shave your mustache after finishing your makeup

I’ve been in the gym space for so long that I genuinely forget most women do not want muscular quads, boulder shoulders, and big biceps and triceps

Literally every time I see a pigeon I tell my partner “I hate how we domesticated pigeons only to abandon them”

I heard someone say Subway is better than Banh mi…hello??

Baby got [some] back

I cut my hair short and got a fringe and I have never felt so ugly 😭 I cannot wait for my hair to grow out

“But SEED OILS!” Dude you drink literal poison on the weekends yet seed oils you have an issue with?

I’ve been sober for nearly a year from weed because it started to make me anxious (when I literally got high to reduce my anxiety…) and man, I miss it sometimes

Crying because my partner and I adopted Bailey when she was 10 months old and she’ll be 7 years old in June 😭

I love browsing for new bikinis but I don’t ever go to the pool or beach because one I can’t swim and two I hate sand

I love having my own place because what do you mean I can walk into my kitchen naked and peacefully eat Grillo’s pickles?

I lost 10 pounds and it resulted in me losing 2 inches off my glutes 😔 Please give me some space while I mourn my fat ass

I’m convinced ppl who say Taco Bell gives them the shits just don’t eat enough fiber

My partner has three co workers named John so the store addresses them by size. Whenever he says “lil John” I always shout “WHAT! ….OKAY!”

My in-law told me “I didn’t know who Bad Bunny was until the Super Bowl but I heard Trump hates him so that’s reason for me to like Bad Bunny.”

Having chicken noodle soup instead of congee while I’m sick

I read and finished A Little Life five years ago and I still think about how much I hated it. Every time I thought “Jude’s life couldn’t get any worse,” it got worse

After watching Physical Asia and Final Draft, Yoshio Itoi 100% earned his title as superhuman. His athleticism for being retired and his age is unreal. I want a bite outta him

The chances of you shitting yourself increases as you age, right? Asking for myself

I finally bench pressed 135! 💪🤪

Can someone explain the reasoning behind men ALWAYS choosing the cable that is directly behind me when all of the others are open??

I’m curious, why do ppl who try to get back into reading books always start with non-fiction???

Another night of “what did I eat that’s giving me diarrhea?” 🫩

Was doing some work and heard shuffling going on behind me and saw that Bailey tucked herself in. She popped out to stare at me when I laughed a little too hard

Don’t come for my head but Katabasis by RF Kuang was a letdown. Such an interesting plot but the execution was not it. I did not think Hell could be so damn boring

What’s more embarrassing: Clapping when you think a performance has ended or saying goodbye to someone and walking in the same direction?

Why is there a popcorn button on a microwave if every bag of popcorn explicitly says “DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON ON MICROWAVE”

I just wanna speak to the person in the costume department for TWD that chose to stop showing off Norman Reedus’ arms because how dare you

Focused on strength training for 3 years and now going for size & aesthetics. Unfortunately I feel like my quads will never be big enough 😔

After building my glutes from nothing, I would now be offended if someone accused me of getting a BBL. Don’t discredit my sweat, tears, and protein farts

I don’t trust ppl that go to restaurants just to order a caprese salad

I don’t understand the whole 6 7 thing. I’ve heard it explained so many times and I still don’t get why it’s so funny 😩 AM I….OLD?!

Not to brag but the lady who does laser hair removal on me says I have lips that women pay for 😌

My bookish pet peeve is adults refusing to read YA or saying “I’m too old for young adult books.”

My new favorite reaction pic to use when someone says something fucking stupid

Apparently my partner never experienced Socratic seminars in high school and honestly, that explains a lot

Pho > ramen

Sometimes it’s better to safe yourself the headache in educating someone because if they really wanted to know something, they could do the research themselves

My life would be a lot more painless if I didn’t like spicy food

Don’t tell me I’m mean because honestly, I could be A LOT meaner. I just hold my tongue because I don’t want to get jumped

Do you think ants view us the same way we’d view titans if they were real?