It's clear that we've reached a point as a country that we MUST regulate Etsy witches.

I bet Don Jr. and Eric are really bummed out now that there's irrefutable evidence that their dad does send birthday cards.

The Left doesn't need Joe Rogan. We don't need a Trump, or even a Project 2025. What the Left needs is giant combat mechs from Pacific Rim.

I've reached the point in adulthood where I still have my shot glasses from various travels and events, but now I use them for Pepto Bismol.

Getting told that I am reprehensible for hoping someone is dead by folk who bought Alligator Alcatraz merch is almost too "on the nose" for even this timeline.

I'm not trying to contribute to rumors of Trump's status amongst the world of mortals, but whenever the inevitable does happen, I think we should entomb his fascist minions with him like they used to with the pharaohs' cats.

Gavin Newsom finally figured out the most marketable way to make fun of Trump after 9 years. It's that kind of urgent, Liberal leadership that enables him to do precisely what Trump is doing to unhoused and transgender populations, but with less pushback.

I'm within a couple of years of being the age that Danny Glover was when he first decided he was too old for this shit and, let me tell you, it feels like it.

Conservatives are so mad about Zohran Mamdani you would think he tied for fifth in an inconsequential college swim meet.

Do y'all think the fall of the Roman Empire was this depressingly stupid?

The closest America ever came to greatness was Scholastic Book Fairs and getting a personal pan pizza for reading over the summer.

The only thing I miss about Twitter is that it was the only place that I could directly bully JK Rowling

I appreciate God stepping in to finally settle the New York vs. Chicago debate once and for all

Do I know anyone who has codes for the McDonald's Minecraft items they don't want? My kids didn't get the chance to complete the sets. They don't need the physical toys, just the codes on the back of the card.

There's a not insignificant percentage of people celebrating Easter today that would 100% have supported throwing Jesus into an unmarked van and extrajudicially trafficking him to an El Salvadoran extermination camp if he were here today.

I'm delighted that I always file tax extensions. I had no idea that, as an Autistic person, I was fully exempt.

Man, all these white supremacists are scrubbing a LOT of accomplishments from history that don't fit their narrative. It's like they're unsure of their supremacy or something.

If it wasn't for the clock on my oven, I would've completely forgotten that malevolent kakistocrats stole an hour of my weekend like thieves in the night.

If your circle of friends aren't discussing the need for revolution, get yourself a new circle of friends.

How are y'all expecting your kids to avoid relationships with bigots, fascists, and predators when you make them see them for Sunday dinner and holidays?

Elon, a 50-year-old creep, spending almost all of his time hanging out with a bunch of barely legal, sycophantic boys may seem weird, but he did tell us it was a Roman salute...

I have to admit, Ian Fleming's James Bond novels simply don't withstand the test of time. For example, 1955's Moonraker features a primary villain who is a wealthy industrialist who builds rockets and is secretly a Nazi. How are people supposed to connect with that today?

Listen, there are a lot of reasons to be worried right now, but we really need to panic if Hugo Boss releases a DOGE collection.

People are really out there saying that Musk is using his child as a human shield, and that's just insulting. This is America. We've never taken any action to avoid children getting shot.

Emilia Perez is the type of movie that would win Oscars in the world Tropic Thunder is set in.

What dystopian young adult novels should I have my kids read or should I just have them watch the news?

I think I know what's happening... people are mixing up having Autism with BEING Hans Asperger. Honest mistake, guys, but they are actually completely different things.

Trump's EO defines 'Female' as a 'person belonging, at conception, to the sex that produces the large reproductive cell.' Fun fact: All human embryos start as female at conception. So, according to his own order, we're all female now. #TheFutureIsFemale

While the country burns and wealth inequality hits French Revolution levels, our government finally found unity - in banning TikTok. Funny how gridlock vanishes when it's about restricting rights instead of protecting them. Even Gorsuch called out this paternalistic overreach.

Learning about Neil Gaiman's alleged actions has left me heartbroken. His writing shaped my life, and I'll need time to process this and examine what parts of his worldview I internalized through his work. My heart goes out to all who are grappling with this loss to the survivors of his violence.

I love the argument, "China is using TikTok to covertly influence Americans to despise their own government." As if that gaggle of geriatric windowlickers wasn't doing a bang up job of that on their own.

Conservatives don't realize they've already won - their policies on the economy, healthcare, and social issues have dominated our lives for decades. The "great" America they long to return to largely existed before the policies and leadership they voted for dismantled it.

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Our government came together to unilaterally ban a social media platform for the well-being of the nation and, somehow, it wasn't LinkedIn.

The next time someone tries to tell you their opinion on another person's right to exist freely, be sure to inform them that isn't an opinion but a moral failing.

Establish a morally bankrupt business and name your children to key executive roles. That way, Ameica will take action if they're gunned down.

In a rare win for the Autistic community, the eugenicist Autism Speaks Canada is shutting down next month. Here's hoping that the American counterpart is next.

Listen, I'm going to admit when I was wrong about something, and it would appear that America's unwillingness to address our gun violence epidemic COULD address our healthcare crisis.

Oh, this corporate health insurance "Safety & Solidarity" pledge is giving me some feelings that I'm unable to discuss due to a corporate health insurance "Safety & Solidarity" pledge.

If literature has taught me anything, Brian Thompson will be visiting other oligarchs this holiday season to warn them about the chains they forge in life.

Candidly, I'm offended that no one is worried that me and my friends would steal a Capital Hill podium and poop in the halls of Congress. I'm as American as anyone.

If I had a nickel for every time the American government tried to distract me from a catastrophe by admitting aliens are real, I'd have two nickels. Which, admittedly, isn't a lot but it's still weird it's happened twice.

I may be a staunch Leftist, but tonight, I'm hitting this vape LIBERALLY.

I'm not going to lie; childhood stories blew the whole "major villain" thing out of proportion. I was expecting islands that resembled human skulls, and instead, I've got a guy who has to sit on a black towel because he can't make it through a Fox & Friends interview without pooping himself.

They made me pledge to the standard of "liberty and justice for all" as a child and called me an Enemy from Within for demanding it.

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Tolkien really puts an emphasis throughout Return of the King on the weaponization of despair, and presenting defeat as a forgone conclusion being a tactic that is deliberate as it is effective.

My favorite part about my recently fractured coccyx to date is that I can say that anything involving physical movement is a pain in my ass without being figurative or hyperbolic.

I wish politicians came together to universally condemn acts of violence when the victims were children the way they do for a bigoted, dementia-addled rapist.

Using Generative AI for creative writing is such a cop-out. Just use your crippling trauma like the rest of us.