I wonder if anyone in Epstein's circle was ever like, "Hey guys, should we really be taking this many pictures?"

I really enjoy the implication of caution tape spattered with blood. It’s like that the cops were called for an initial murder but in the time since they showed up, even more violent acts have occurred near the original crime scene.

Pretty crazy how good this part of the body feels during sexual intercourse

People at my church are starting to get irritated with me because God has been answering all my prayer requests recently and ignoring all of theirs

My wife and children are an entire ass vibe

What ladies are the best at kissing these days? My buddies and I are looking for some girlfriends

Sorry, Swifties but being the eldest daughter is a fucking cakewalk compared to being the youngest son. Spending your whole life proving that you’re not just “the baby” is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst foe.

Go ahead and keep celebrating, MAGA folks

Fuck I love college

Making the city a little more accessible for tall folks

It’s kinda crazy being a nerd. Sometimes I’ll just be sitting around minding my own business and then randomly think of something insanely smart

It can be rude to ask someone “where are you from?” So I instead opt for “what’s your deal, racewise?”

After getting married, what's the courteous amount of time to wait before beginning your first affair?

Mansions are a great option for folks who don't mind sacrificing a bit of the coziness that comes with more traditional style homes.

Nothing like a cheeseburger if you’re a hungry American

My penis is tea today

What's the best old folks home? I got a sweet little granny that I urgently need out of my sight.

You’re a comedian, actor, and a writer? How do you juggle all that?

Me: Soo… any pregnancies lately? My Wife: Just our forthcoming daughter Me: oh yes, of course. That should be nice

I bet some insane shit happens on peninsulas...Imagine having an island mindset without having to contend with the responsibilities of geographic isolation. That, my friend, is a recipe for a reckless culture if i've ever seen one.

We used to have Johnny Cash, now the closest thing we have is country recording star Jimmy Credit. We used to have Steve Jobs. Now? Tech entrepreneur Stellan Gigs. We used to have Bob Hope but our biggest comedian these days: Bill Cope.

Snobs have exquisite taste, I just wish they didn't have to be so rude about it

Can someone let me know when "manic pixie dream girls" give up the schtick and become sturdy, reliable women?

Might have been useful to hold up a "This is Normal" sign at some point during Biden's presidency to establish a baseline.

(Giving house tour) And this, of course, is my bedroom. There’s no getting around it, this is where the majority of my sexual liaisons take place. You’re welcome to let your imagination run wild with what sort of lewd acts have taken place here, maybe in the very spot you stand.

Do I have any republican followers who are intellectually curious and want to learn about wokeness? I promise it’s not as scary as some may lead you to believe 😉

(eating ortolan at fancy restaurant) yeah, this needs a little more flavor... do you have any super unethical sauce i can use?

Asking my abductors if they can drop me off at home when they’re done kidnapping me

If my children are never accused of being nepo babies, I’ll know I’ve failed

(Picking my nose in front of my friend) Oh how rude of me. You want in on this?

Theoretical bakers have identified the largest known dozen. Were the number to be written out, the digits would fill 40,000 pages and would be followed by the word dozen

Trying to turn my foodie friend onto beverages. He’s not convinced

Me: (kissing my wife as I leave for work) Ok, let me know if you cheat on me Her: ok! You too Me: sure thing, boo

Looking for some cooking hacks that will yield more food. My recent meals have all been coming out scant

Marriage has been a great way to connect with my wife

My Buddy: What do you call 1000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? Me: (looking over my shoulder seeing my crush who’s an attorney is nearby) I don’t know man, sounds like a horrible, sadistic fucking tragedy to me

People who have family-owned businesses are like, “i have an important business trip tomorrow—I’m going to granny’s”

Don’t fall for scams. That’s how they get ya

I hope everyone’s marriage goes well

No man, you're a great addition to conversations! You get the obvious jokes out of the way so the rest of us can really cook

Guys with flaxen hair could learn a thing or two from guys with ashen hair

I guess I haven’t been scrubbing properly all these years. Found a little afterbirth behind my ear this morning

At the 1965 Newport Folk festival, Dylan changed the face of music forever when he pulled out a specially rigged Stratocaster that was wired to send lethal doses of voltage into a living elephant in a horrifying demonstration of the power of the electric guitar

Hahaha, I keep writing 2025 on all my checks instead of post-dating them for next year as is my normal practice

While watching A Complete Unknown, I kept getting worried every time Bob Dylan would ride his motorcycle without a helmet and had to keep reminding myself he’s still alive today.

Me: (getting off on my stop on the train) Alright, it’s been real, y’all but this is me Everyone on train: see ya, Cameron!

Me: (getting off on my stop on the train) Alright, it’s been real, y’all but this is me Everyone on train: see ya, Cameron!

Die Hard is technically an action movie

I use a seasonal greeting that satisfiy both secular folks and Christians. I like to say, "Happy holidays, Christmas for example"

Me: I’ve always enjoyed a warm and filling dinner of beans New Friend: go off, king Me: I’m honored with such an epithet… “King!” I’m a humble man, bowed by years of toilsome labor and yet you pay me such a distinction. I shall never forget this day.