*twirling hair and kicking feet* you think I'm a lord? 🥺

We love it when you don't bother registering to vote. It gives us the warm fuzzies to see low voters turnout 🥰

It's true, try sitting in a meeting room with Brooke van Velden for an hour 🫩

We hate the poors ✌️

"Bro let me copy our homework, I'll change it enough that nobody will know"

That's right and nobody should forget that even if people stop talking about it, make sure you remind MPs every day what their party values are

Lmao Christopher won't even stand up to his deputy prime minister

Now that the unpleasant treaty principles matter is behind us, it's time to focus on our key policy platform: ensuring more kids smoke and think it's cool

Now that it's safe to do so, time to say we always opposed that sort of business

Treaty principles bill got smoked, everyone say good job David

And another thing, we're not mad. Please don't put in the papers that we got mad.

Cheaper power? Smells communist to me, idk about that

And another thing, we're not mad. Please don't put in the papers that we got mad.

Actually most of our cronies are banned from hardware stores for indecent behaviour so they can't even buy a spade, bet you feel silly now

Colonial violence is our whole platform, but we've also got no discipline and no spine, so if you pressure our MPs there's a great chance they'll fold like wet napkins 👀

If just six government ministers supported the bill to sanction Israel, it would pass. Christopher would be SO mad if you pressured your MPs into voting for their conscience so you definitely shouldn't use this list to call your MP right now and tell them to vote for this bill:

Got their asses

Vibes based

I don't know why everyone is talking about Winston's sack but I wish they'd stop

I don't know why everyone is talking about Winston's sack but I wish they'd stop

If you didn't want to take a bus you should have taken a helicopter 🙄

We made everything worse, I don't understand why people don't like that

Well you try developing an economic policy with a man who only thinks through airplane metaphors, a man who thinks poors should be hunted for sport, and a man who doesn't think at all

Don't worry, despite our coalition partners interfering with an active murder investigation, National remains extremely horny for cops

It's because our transport minister has stocks in the funeral and body bag industries

Never let them know your next move

A lot of whining on the timeline today. Have you considered we don't care

Can anyone reccomend a multibillionaire that likes to throw a limp dicked shit fit about pronouns on the social media platform he owns to run our government? Peter Thiel won't return our calls

Brian Tamaki slide into our DMs let's chat

Brian Tamaki wants to be Elon Musk to Luxon’s Trump. How sad and deluded. David Seymour already has that job.

We care about first home buyers, which is why we're making it legal to ransack your granny's house and sell off her jewellery to get money for a deposit. You're welcome.

What is this? Wrong answers only.

So close! Chris Luxon was actually a CEO, not a school principal.

What is this? Wrong answers only.

When we say tough on crime we mean shoplifting, not murder or touching kids, we thought that was obvious

Cops: 🥰😍😘🤗 Cops when they go after our mates: 😡🤬🤢👎

Concerning.

He doesn't

Oops we forgot we were in government. Any world news we should catch up on since the election?

Merry Chrismas

We would like to retract this skeet and apologise to Chris. We do not hope he falls in a man hole and shits his pants. Furthermore, no man holes would even be left open so carelessly under this govt: the department of transportation has a strict policy that men are to keep their holes firmly sealed.

We think this too, honestly

See imagine if we'd spent all that money on a ferry, instead of a brand new plane for Christopher? You can't fly to the United States on a ferry, now can you?

Sorry about all those cycleways being cancelled. Simeon has been huffing car exhaust while writing policy again and got a little too worked up.

Look, our goals are simple. We want to put cash in the hands of hardworking landlords, cigarettes in the mouths of every kiwi, and toyota corollas on the cook strait 🚗

Lots of questions about the ferry thing, and we can confirm that no, Nicola doesn't know that you can't drive a car across the Cook Strait. We have tried more than once to explain this to her but she just replies "not with that attitude" every time.

This is the face of an Honest Man

We have released a statement in response to Chlöe's accusation in parliament: Christopher is not a liar, he's just not smart enough to get any single thing right.

We shouldn't have to put up with foreign languages on our signs in this country, which is why we are immediately banning the use of English in every government department. Nobody can even point to England on a map, why should we use their language?