If you’re looking at his picture and thinking his right eye looks swollen shut, you’re not wrong. He could have gotten this under control if he’d lost weight and cut back on salt but he said nah so now they have to regularly bruise his hands filling him with water meds

I’m sure Disclosure Day will be worth watching but I’m annoyed because society has finally stopped obsessing over Roswell and now it’s making a comeback

Damn, thought he had it wrapped up too

I may have to rethink my opinion on Mamdani if MarkWayneDarylCletus Mullin doesn’t like him

There are probably many things you could investigate big banks for but whatever “debanking” is I’m guessing it’s not one of them

Democratic candidates will pay elderly consultants millions to say not to use it and talk about prescription drugs instead

Dear Senior citizens: stop buying your movie tickets online. You suck at it. And saying “Sorry I’m not a cell phone person” doesn’t make up for holding up the line

“Don’t be like that, baby. So what if I liked her bikini pics? I still came home to you.”

Notice when Democrats lose elections they don’t scream FRAUD like little bitches

I was at the premiere of Disclosure Day and I don’t know what all the celebrities who loved it were talking about. Steven Spielberg walked on stage and yelled “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” then loudly farted nonstop through the movie. There were dogs that walked around and pissed on people

A lot of people think pasteurization is some complex chemical process that turns God’s Moo Juice into that stuff from Pluribus. Thing is pasteurization consists entirely of “heating milk to 160 degrees then cooling it.” That’s better than going full boil too which breaks down proteins

Remember if Graham Platner wins the Maine Senate Primary tomorrow it will be because you didn’t post enough anti-Platner content or that you didn’t hit the Post button hard enough

Looking forward to never hearing the name Spencer Pratt again

“Dear Mr. Mayor, I noticed last years Christmas tree in the park had bisexual lighting. Please make next year’s tree less queer. I’m not insane.”

Usha is getting her legs strapped shut when Trump dies

I feel so sorry for all the washed up Z-listers who threw all their support to him

Don’t be surprised if Kristin Welker gets fired just for upsetting him like that. I guarantee she’ll have to apologize. Trump might even try to sue

If he ever called me stupid I'd brag that I aced a cognitive test. Of course Kristin Welker would probably be fired if she did that

Some are saying Scary Movie 6 wasn't funny. That's not true. It was funny. Twice. Rest of the movie, not so much

Hopefully the Maine Senate primary this week will lead to a reduction of the approximately 5000 anti-Platner posts I see every day. Not saying I support him but I get it, he’s a bad guy

Did Susan Collins even bother to say she was concerned?

“Trump is such a bastard” Mormons mumble as they vote for Trumps third term

Masters of the Universe was much better than I thought it would be. I’ll also say there’s no bigger fan of the 1986 MotU movie than me with Dolph Lundgren as the big guy so I appreciated it when a certain actor made a cameo. I won’t say who

I’m watching Masters of the Universe. Can we all agree to never again give our fictional characters names like Fisto?

“Face look like it was drawn from memory” is my new favorite insult

I’m sorry, woman at the bus stop who’s been mumbling various things to herself while sometimes just shouting fuck for the last ten minutes but I’ve decided not to let you borrow my phone

“Investigating how nearly 60 people got sick after drinking raw milk” Hopefully there’s a real life Sherlock Holmes out there who can solve this mystery

This will cause Texas ranchers to mumble “fuck Trump” under their breath as they vote for his third term

“Investigating how nearly 60 people got sick after drinking raw milk” Hopefully there’s a real life Sherlock Holmes out there who can solve this mystery

Trying to figure out the weirdest thing about right wing weirdos. Could be how they now fully support Russia but then there’s thinking teenagers aren’t having enough babies

Putting the finishing touches on a YouTube video about my bottlecap collection that should finally silence my haters

The unnamed staffer who thought Bari Weiss had some sort of consistent well thought out system of thinking as an anti-woke crusader and not someone who takes this position only when it's advantageous to her is adorable

If it turns out the Toy Story movies are right and toys come to life when people aren’t around, I have some huge apologies to make to my sister’s Barbie dolls

Masters of the Universe odds another example of middle aged racists getting upset that something made for children wasn’t geared toward them. Main complaints seem to be that Teela and Man At Arms aren’t Caucasian, something that doesn’t bother children in the least

I saw The Breadwinner. Had some funny lines and it also had a main character who talked and behaved like no real person ever who did things to his wife that should have been grounds for divorce. I guess my grade would be C+ because of the funny lines. See it when it hits a streaming app if you must

If elected it would be politically impossible for her to NOT pardon Derek Chauvin and probably give him back his job as a cop

Is it safe to do this without a ballroom?

Why yes I do find it endlessly amusing when middle aged men who’d be challenged by trying to open a can of Pepsi question Talarico’s manhood

I’ve said before I’ll believe they’re getting money when I see it. If Trump can give it to himself and his family, he will. You’ll see the J6 crew on TV saying “I can’t believe Trump lied to us” and also vowing to support Trump for a 3rd term

Looks like everything I said the other day about no one going to see Backrooms was wrong deadline.com/2026/05/box-...

Yes, we live in a world where the Republicans call a guy gay because supposedly he’s vegan (he’s not) yet their leader loves the gayest song ever written so much that he does a dance to it that looks like he’s jacking off two guys at once

Kathy Hochul should challenge his old fat ass to a basketball game

If I was Talarico my response would have been “Why don’t you pardon another pedophile you sick weirdo?” but he’ll probably say something about kitchen table issues

My high school band (Bang-cock) will not be reuniting for the American State Fair

There’s a type of person who says “I’ll go to the movies again when they stop making everything a sequel or reboot or franchise” then something like Backrooms gets made and they stay home

The way Democrats usually handle things like this is cut a million dollar check to an elderly consultant who says to ignore it and stick to kitchen table issues. Let’s try something different this time before Talarico loses by 6 points

They think they can be part of the grift

Damn it those socks I ordered from Amazon were on that rocket