Kudos to anyone who voted for America to get more gurgly old-man hot takes about teenager sperm count.

If you saw John Oliver this week, the woman featured in the article is the one who tried to claim that something else was killing refugee kids while they were starving to death

Hey @jamesgunn.bsky.social looks like real life is ruining your best joke’s from when Peacemaker went to nazi world

There's a huge political argument about about Israel and Joe Biden going on between other people in the comments of one of my posts and I want everyone to know that my comments sections are exactly the place to do something like that

There were jokes about how Vance would defend the racism and now they turned out to be true

Lots of think pieces out there about the right wing halftime show and how it's part of a new push to take over show business. There's nothing new about this. Not many who remembers when they made the unfinished Atlas Shrugged trilogy or a crap comedy called An American Carol

Trans people are supposedly the human race’s greatest threat even though they’re less than 1% of the population. By contrast 2% of the population thinks the Earth is flat

"IN PART will address her relationship with RFK Jr" ??? What the hell else would anyone want to know about? The whole chapter devoted to how well she does in Fortnite?

I didn’t miss that. But Biden and Harris almost certainly knew all about this and kept bankrolling Netanyahu anyway, an action that guaranteed he’d lose just enough of the vote to send Trump back to the White House

By the way One Battle After Another is outstanding. I hope people see it while it’s still in theaters though Google tells me it’s on HBO Max in December so be sure to catch it then so on Oscar night you can yell “What do you mean it didn’t win” at the TV

Anyway congratulations to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris for flushing the Presidency down the toilet so you could hand Netanyahu everything he wanted. You even kept him entertained by constantly threatening him with “red lines” that he would laugh at and wipe his ass with

At this point I’d be super embarrassed if I misspelled Mamdani’s name and maybe only 10 people will see it

New idea: Pants…but for MEN

I still know the phone number we had when I was growing up the Dad held onto for 20 years after I moved out. I have no idea what my father’s current number is

HO-LEE-SHIT 🤯

The story of Bari Weiss shows that anyone can make it in America despite talent and experience if they tell the world's richest men exactly what they want to hear

Coincidentally this is how I feel about Bari Weiss taking over CBS News

no

It wasn’t based on “nothing”, Michael. It was based on 3,000 actual offer letters by agents to clients, 450 Reddit jokes about agents, and Jennifer Tilly’s Wikifeet entry.

HA HA HA HA HA

Have any actual talent agents said they'd love to sign Tilly Norwood or was that just a general statement based on nothing?

If they affect his mental state, how would we be able to tell?

Nobel committee: What did you want us to do? Pick Trump? Everyone else: Were those the only two choi... Nobel committee: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

If there is a financial crisis it will happen for the same reason they all happen: rich people create imaginary and convince everyone to spend real money on it. When everyone wants their real money back, the rich people say it's gone because of lazy poor people and immigrants

Every year of Great British Baking Show I have to look up the difference between puff pastry and rough puff pastry. I'm not doing it again. I no longer care. In fact I think they're the same and everyone acts like they're different to mess with me

But I work at a shelter and every homeless drug addict I know strongly advises me to cash out my 7 figure investment account and put it all into crypto

Tron Ares is... Well... Did you see Tron Legacy 15 years ago? Then you've only seen the second worst movie with the word Tron in it. What was the plot? I'm not entirely sure. Something about everyone running around looking for a Macguffin that was THE ULTIMATE POWER

Yes, I've been trashing Tron Ares for a while now. I'm also waiting in a theater to see. You don't know how much I love going to the movies if you think one thing has anything to do with the other

Trump's second annual physical is today. His next one will be just before Thanksgiving

In keeping with the award for the year’s Peace Prize, The Nobel Committee awards this year’s Nobel Prize for Mathematics to a guy who thinks 2+2=5

Did the Nobel committee give the award specifically to mess with Trump?

Before Trump came into office I worked a job that often shipped to Canada and there were days it felt like we were shipping to another galaxy. Can’t imagine what it’s like now

Trump thought blowing up Venezuelan fishing boats for kicks would land him a Peace Prize. At least he has a shot of winning a Literature Prize for his Tron Ares fan fiction

Watching the season finale of Peacemaker and can't believe they introduced three different multiversal versions of Plastic Man (played by Miley Cyrus, Patrick Stewart and Weird Al Yankovic)

She comes from a red district but she was supposed to go to the UN this year and had to stay in Congress because it didn't look like a Republican would be elected in her place. No way she's going to be Governor

Not that the others aren’t funny but the only time I go out of my way to watch the entire Daily Show anymore is when Josh Johnson is hosting

Congratulations to The billionaires who foresaw that they should purchase Argentine debt AND become asshole buddies with Trump

In six months no one is going to remember who Charlie Kirk was

"The girlfriend of one of the founders of antifa"

This is like saying laws against the theft of cash would kill the bank robbery industry

I see Scavengers Reign is now on Netflix and I recommend it. It’s a clever a richly written piece of science fiction about some explorers who crash land on what can only be described as the grossest planet in the universe. Seriously everything has like an inch of slime on it

Oh no I haven't checked my texts all afternoon. Maybe I also won a Nobel Prize

Saw Avatar 2 in theaters today. Quick thoughts: sure, I could have watched for free on Disney+ but I tried doing that and never got you the end. It's still sitting there in my Continue Watching column like a vengeful ghost

Current Mandela Effect is I could swear I've been seeing these ads for a new Tron movie that look very unappealing. I know it can't be real cause no way would they have cast Jared Leto

Sadly the only thing I have in common with Bad Bunny is I also embarrassingly rock out to Hunter/x like he did on SNL. He balances it with loads of cool stuff but oh well

I feel sorry for the guy who has to clean out Jane Goodall’s home and destroy any sex tapes she made with the monkeys

I prefer her early, funny work

Did Trump resurrect on the golf course again or is he still dead?