Sometimes I wonder how judgy the medical examiner would be about all the junk food in my stomach at an autopsy.

I’m thankful for the invention of elastic waistbands

Thanksgiving gonna be tasty this year

After spending the weekend in Gatlinburg I think it’s safe to say I can finish my life without hearing “Jolene” ever again.

I’m on a five hour road trip with Chappell Roan fans

Bridge Day was pretty bitchin’ this year

Google searches after drinking: loudest fart recorded decibels, guinness longest fart recorded audio, hardest farts by force without poop

Possibly have a job interview soon. Time to dust off the ol’ funeral/wedding/interview pantsuit.

When’s the Heidi Klum Halloween costume reveal??

Don’t like a female main character in a video game? Cool. Don’t play it. No one cares.

And on the eighth day God gave us horse noses to pet

Lake of the Ozarks is the Myrtle Beach of the Midwest

The laziest of Caturdays

Mood

I have eaten so much cake and cookies and drank so much beer all day I feel like a foie gras goose ready for liver harvesting

I think Koko the gorilla was actually animatronic

Other people’s birthdays: It’s also national fuzzy kitten wearing costumes day! 🥰 My birthday: It’s also the day the gov’t shuts down and throws the US into absolute chaos every year. 😒

The worst thing about, well, everything going on right now is they won’t ship my Canadian panties anymore

I think my brain brains how it brains because of CTE from the repeated brutality of these pinging off my noggin every day in the summer when my mom put my hair up to play outside. Just look at the cartoon girl’s stare on the package, she ain’t right.

Appalachian fare: Thinly slivered black bear spleen topped with a rainbow trout eyeball and a ramp/morel zest paired with a Mountain Dew reduction served with raccoon baculum tweezers. $499 per plate.

Alka Seltzer in octopus ink gently tweezed between a roasted exotic squirrel butthole and one blade of grass with an organic snail on it

Does anyone really enjoy that tweezer food with rabies foam?

The only thing I look forward to on Halloween is Heidi Klum’s costume

Tis the season for switching from sours to stouts

Age verification: “Yesterday you said you’d call Sears” “I’ll call today” “You’ll call now” “I’ll call now”

This new laundromat needs a tap card like Dave and Busters and why can’t I just put quarters in the thing all I want is the cat puke out of my curtains

Best pie: Banana Cream Best ice cream: Mint Chip Best donut: Plain glazed Best bar: Lemon Best cake: Cherry Chip Best other: Gob cookies

I petted so many horse noses today!

Sitting on the bank of the Yellowstone River in Paradise Valley, MT.

Theodore Roosevelt NP in ND featuring my mosquito measled legs.

Cowboy butts out here driving me nuts

Is it too much to ask for a Montana truck stop to have a shirt that says “Just Horsin’ Around?”

Lake Michigan at Indiana Dunes NP

I’m irrationally terrified of wind farms

My mom keeps sending me missing and dead hiker stories from the places I’m going

I am such a sucker for limited edition junk

Camping in Colorado in a couple weeks is going to be like

Will pay a man to sleep topless and let me put my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. No weird shit.

It’s okay to not vomit politics into post comments not remotely about politics, I promise

If anyone needs a new trauma let me let you know that unclogging a bathroom sink yourself is not for the faint of heart.

Blood donation day. That beer is gonna hit different tonight.

Clocked 92 hours of overtime for July.

I wish I could spend my entire life sitting on my back deck having a beer

The good life

I’m glad my stomach decided to wait to punish me for that Arby’s milkshake after my shower. Blessed.

Man I haven’t posted in awhile

What even is this?

We should all just quit our jobs and never work again except for ourselves and see what happens.

Why do airplanes have buttholes?

I tell no lies here