Luigi, please leave us alone.

Exciting news, everyone! We pretended to care about our CEO's death, and now it's time to pretend to care about infant and maternal mortality among Black women. We might be an insurance company, but we sure know how to do PR. Thanks for the great article, @mlk50memphis.bsky.social!

If you're looking for an exciting new investment opportunity, look no further than UnitedHealthcare. We'll do anything for our bottom line—even if that means someone's heart has to go flatline in the process. Also, our stock went up 2.5%. Now is a great time to invest.

Our company is such a trailblazer in the healthcare industry that our CEO's death made Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield reverse their proposed cap on anesthesia coverage. We shook up corporate America. Unintentionally.

You don't need to go to the ER if you're having a heart attack—just wait it out. You'll be fine.

No, we will not cover the insulin that your diabetic grandma needs to live.