1 ticket left for the early show, plenty left for the late show - www.zaktoscani.com/public-events

Let me make myself crystal clear

My hell is not knowing how to roller skate good but constantly hearing songs and thinking “I bet this would be fun as hell to glide to” Glide is my best guess as to insider terminology

A group of pickleballers is known as a Lame.

hearing folks sprinting through the airport yelling “sorry! Our flight boards in 10min” like that doesn’t mean you got 45min to get there

Early show is sold out but still tickets to the late show at Commonwealth Comedy Club - Cincinnati / Northern KY

Early show is sold out but still tickets to the late show at Commonwealth Comedy Club - Cincinnati / Northern KY

Turkeys really get victim blamed during Thanksgiving. We eat the motherfucker and then blame being tired on a chemical in their meat. Instead of the fact that we just ate a plate that’s just a meat +12

The truth about Mission Trips

Please tell me there’s a white jazz guy named Anglo Sax’in

A little joke about a coffee shop order gone wrong

I need a life oversight committee bs last night I paired some leftover Chinese food with Synder’s of Hanover pretzels

A little joke about a coffee shop order gone wrong

Random House has rejected my book proposal of an agnostic retelling of Judy Blume’s fantastic novel retitled as “To Whom It May Concern, It’s Me, Margaret” And by Random House, I mean I just knocked on an absolute strangers door and pitched it

It’s gonna be a fucking blast - you won’t wanna miss it

My first job

Frozen pizzas are blank canvases you should use to paint your masterpiece

My first job

For as dramatic as coconuts are you’d really expect them to taste better

In the Olive Garden of good and evil

So this is how you use AI, eh? *dumps a bottle of water on a laptop*

favorite dinner experience is a seafood boil, they dump out your food from a plastic bag, you get to eat like a respectable raccoon casually digging through the oceans most delicious trash

YouTube is serving me up lots of titles like “boring history facts to help you sleep” and “dull Greek myths for sleeping” that’s just college. I paid $65,000 for that

Laws: don’t you look at your phone while driving Car companies: yeah! Instead look at this bigger screen we put further away from you Google maps: also answer a series of questions about the road your currently driving on

Portland! Doing a holiday leftovers show at Framework on 12/27 - sketches, standup, and it’s BYOB! Get them tickets

ordered Fogo de Chao on postmates and now there’s 25 Brazilian people outside my door holding skewers of meat

“oysters biting today?” - me to a group of men fishing in Charleston

Did they ever think to have a Batman villain named Badman? Could be a good foil just on account of all the confusion

Toscani Family Reunion hats are available online for the next 24hrs! DM me. Both color ways are adjustable. Signature by my mom, designed by a professional forger, and embroidered and brought to life by @trillblazin.bsky.social All hats will be shipped out this week. Welcome to the family.

You know times are tough when you’re boiling your kids pasta art

I love technology. I love that I have to download an app to use my lightbulbs. I love having to log in every time I open the app. I love that the app had a data breach and my information was leaked. I love that a hacker has access to my mood lighting

90 day fiancé but it’s just adult men trying to lock in a new best friend

Started mixing frozen grapes with hot tamales and I can tell I’m flying too close to the sun

Ernest Saves Hemingway

I live alone but when I get mad at myself I sleep on the couch

You know I keep that thing* on me *depression

I told a joke about leaving notes on cars and then I find this on my rental after the gig. Fucking hilarious! Thank you dear stranger

I’m heading the Comedy Fort in Ft Collins on Thursday and I’m headlining Dude, IDK Studios in Denver on Friday. Come one come all

Got yelled at when I tried to order two hot dogs during the playing of our national anthem at my nephew’s little league baseball game. You trying to tell me that all those people fought and died so I couldn’t order a hot dog at a ballgame?

Depression is not all bad. It’s kept me from being scammed. Being conned requires the belief that something good is about to happen to you.

How pumped was Dawn when they found out it could clean oil off ducks?

Ft Collins, CO - 6/12 | Denver, CO - 6/13 | Toronto - 7/4 | MLPS - 8/15 | Chicago, IL - 8/16 | New Orleans - 9/6 | Cincinnati, OH - 11/21 | Gainesville, FL - 12/6

On a red eye to Chicago last night a number of folks made complaints about a baby who was nonstop crying the whole flight. But, there was no baby. It was just me. Watching the Pee Wee documentary

Holy shit Portland! The streetcar shows were nuts. It’s kind of a blur honestly. I almost fell about 20 times. I never was sure where I was in the city. And at least 4 people were forced to stare at my butt the whole time. Y’all rolled with it all and made it a truly unique time