[guy who wants to make pancakes but only has waffle mix] it’s over. it’s so fucking over [guy who gets paid 400k a year] due to a typo openclaw emptied my bank account to buy 10 bags of cheetahs

kristi noem has been taken out back and shot

AGI is coming any day bro, trust me bro, just a million more tokens, please, just a billion more gallons of water, i swear the assumption machine will become god

[loud buzzer sound] ANNOUNCER (V.O.): The discourse period for Scream 7 (2026) is now over. Please make all new discourse posts about The Bride! (2026). Thank you for your attention on this matter.

personally i think people named “jr” should be executed when they turn 30

the worst thing you can do as a software engineer is make an assumption. that is why we have replaced all software engineers with The Assumption Machine

fancy restaurants are like “do you want some fucking cheese for dessert”

life is a highway poorly supported by the state

you just created a million frosty the snowmans

NYPD COMMISSIONER (very seriously): hewwo i’ve gawtherwd yew aww hwere to annouwnce we awe invwestigating the illwegal awnd unswanctioned snowbwall fwight that sweriously injwured sweveral offwicers earwlier todway

You’re right to be upset. I was wrong. That was the femoral artery. I shouldn’t have cut into it without your explicit approval.

weather reporter reading a teleprompter with an extremely furrowed brow: chat we are getting….. heightmogged by this ….. powdermaxxxing (looks to the side) Paul what is this, is this some kind of prank

i was going to eat a sandwich for lunch but according to the polls that’s not popular with the electorate. so i am going to eat a bowl of mulch and dirt

barack obama famously didn't kill any american citizens. he loves to drone on about it. google “obama american citizen drone” to learn more

(joylessly) do i need to see crime 1 through 100 in order to enjoy crime 101

piss us a shit you’re the poopy man

i like it when movie good. when movie bad? well sometimes i also like when movie bad

(Sam Elliot voiceover) Sometimes poopy butt. Sometimes poopy stay on butt. Hard get off butt. Need soft for wipe poopy. Charmin best soft for poopy butt clean

guy carrying toaster to the bathroom:

hi i’m doctor gregory House, from the hit television program House. i live in an Apartment

rian johnson is already hard at work on his next benoit blanc mystery googling "realy cool song titles"

[i am tied to a chair and my captor is sharpening various knives] okay…….. i am gonna assume this is in good faith

the only discord i want is yankin dis cord outta da computa

uh discord maybe don’t make every account “teen-by-default”

klarna buy now pay later for assisted suicide

uhhhhhhhh my fellow americans uhhhh 6 7 to the polls

jurassic park emotionally manipulated me into feeling a brief moment of wonder and for that i will never forgive it

it’s so funny when someone calls a movie emotionally manipulative. like just stare at the wall if you’re that fragile

uh pretty sure its the other way around

breaking news the text generator trained on crappy reddit short stories makes the largest crappy reddit short story in existence

butts butts butts butts movin up an down again!

when i’m old i will simply not lay down in a “deathbed”. just a livebed for me, thank you

when im on my deathbed i might say something poignant like “so shall i return to the earth” but ill probably just go with something classic like “ahhhhhhhh fuck!! no! no! no! no! no ! no ! “

i bet domestication syndrome feels so fucking good if you’re an animal

‘I never thought leopards would eat people’s faces,' tweets democrat who funds the Leopards Eating People's Faces Force

executives love AI because the only thing it’s good at is reinforcing your own biases and stroking your ego

all great technological advances necessitated a period of being forced upon the populace, its normal. it’s fine

there’s a god dang cheeto in the bone temple!!!!

now that’s some good shrimp content #shrimp #content

“i didn’t like marty supreme because he was an asshole” ok. you should watch Bluey because you are a child

at the theater watching Primate, a movie about a murderous chimpanzee. i am shaking my head and making a “tsk tsk tak” sound so everyone knows i dont support this problematic protagonist

(nuclear bomb goes off) (i turn to the camera) ummmmmm……. awkwarddddd

the wachowskis were really lucky they captured the exact moment the camera slowed down and spun around neo when he dodged bullets

fear is the mind killer, ok? do you know what that means? that means it’s the little death. that means i have a responsibility to face my fear. to permit it to pass over me. you, maybe you face your fear maybe you don’t. but i have to face it. that is my purpose

i don’t want your knife to chip and shatter! i would never say that! that doesn’t even sound like me! do you think i would be here right now if i wanted your knife to chip and shatter?

(wake me up) wake me up dead man (can’t wake up) wake me up dead man

foreshadowing? oh you mean soft launching the plot

fruit of the poisonous tree? fuck. that’s metal as hell. lemme have some

they should make a fast and furious vampire movie called NOSferatu