(sitting on couch seven beers deep, watching my dog sleep) dogs not part of thr working class

software is now markdown prayers to an unthinking god

Mueller, He Died

pretty much all wealthy people are horrible people. but i would be a very good rich person. probably because im better than most people. mmm now that i think about it, i deserve it because im just so good and uncorruptible

These days everyone is obsessed with Mr. Blinders - the so-called “Immortal Man”. But there’s another “Immortal Man” with his own “street gang” who fought for what he believed in. His name? Haha, well,

ok my bad

oh boy! an escalator! time to stand for 90% of the ride and then walk down the final couple steps like a CHUMP

going to watch The Bride because there’s no way it’s worse than watching the oscars

i dont watch “the pitt”. i live in “the pitt” (united states of america)

[guy who wants to make pancakes but only has waffle mix] it’s over. it’s so fucking over [guy who gets paid 400k a year] due to a typo openclaw emptied my bank account to buy 10 bags of cheetahs

kristi noem has been taken out back and shot

AGI is coming any day bro, trust me bro, just a million more tokens, please, just a billion more gallons of water, i swear the assumption machine will become god

[loud buzzer sound] ANNOUNCER (V.O.): The discourse period for Scream 7 (2026) is now over. Please make all new discourse posts about The Bride! (2026). Thank you for your attention on this matter.

personally i think people named “jr” should be executed when they turn 30

the worst thing you can do as a software engineer is make an assumption. that is why we have replaced all software engineers with The Assumption Machine

fancy restaurants are like “do you want some fucking cheese for dessert”

life is a highway poorly supported by the state

you just created a million frosty the snowmans

NYPD COMMISSIONER (very seriously): hewwo i’ve gawtherwd yew aww hwere to annouwnce we awe invwestigating the illwegal awnd unswanctioned snowbwall fwight that sweriously injwured sweveral offwicers earwlier todway

You’re right to be upset. I was wrong. That was the femoral artery. I shouldn’t have cut into it without your explicit approval.

weather reporter reading a teleprompter with an extremely furrowed brow: chat we are getting….. heightmogged by this ….. powdermaxxxing (looks to the side) Paul what is this, is this some kind of prank

i was going to eat a sandwich for lunch but according to the polls that’s not popular with the electorate. so i am going to eat a bowl of mulch and dirt

barack obama famously didn't kill any american citizens. he loves to drone on about it. google “obama american citizen drone” to learn more

(joylessly) do i need to see crime 1 through 100 in order to enjoy crime 101

piss us a shit you’re the poopy man

i like it when movie good. when movie bad? well sometimes i also like when movie bad

(Sam Elliot voiceover) Sometimes poopy butt. Sometimes poopy stay on butt. Hard get off butt. Need soft for wipe poopy. Charmin best soft for poopy butt clean

guy carrying toaster to the bathroom:

hi i’m doctor gregory House, from the hit television program House. i live in an Apartment

rian johnson is already hard at work on his next benoit blanc mystery googling "realy cool song titles"

[i am tied to a chair and my captor is sharpening various knives] okay…….. i am gonna assume this is in good faith

the only discord i want is yankin dis cord outta da computa

uh discord maybe don’t make every account “teen-by-default”

klarna buy now pay later for assisted suicide

uhhhhhhhh my fellow americans uhhhh 6 7 to the polls

jurassic park emotionally manipulated me into feeling a brief moment of wonder and for that i will never forgive it

it’s so funny when someone calls a movie emotionally manipulative. like just stare at the wall if you’re that fragile

uh pretty sure its the other way around

breaking news the text generator trained on crappy reddit short stories makes the largest crappy reddit short story in existence

butts butts butts butts movin up an down again!

when i’m old i will simply not lay down in a “deathbed”. just a livebed for me, thank you

when im on my deathbed i might say something poignant like “so shall i return to the earth” but ill probably just go with something classic like “ahhhhhhhh fuck!! no! no! no! no! no ! no ! “

i bet domestication syndrome feels so fucking good if you’re an animal

‘I never thought leopards would eat people’s faces,' tweets democrat who funds the Leopards Eating People's Faces Force

executives love AI because the only thing it’s good at is reinforcing your own biases and stroking your ego

all great technological advances necessitated a period of being forced upon the populace, its normal. it’s fine

there’s a god dang cheeto in the bone temple!!!!

now that’s some good shrimp content #shrimp #content

“i didn’t like marty supreme because he was an asshole” ok. you should watch Bluey because you are a child

at the theater watching Primate, a movie about a murderous chimpanzee. i am shaking my head and making a “tsk tsk tak” sound so everyone knows i dont support this problematic protagonist