I like my meetings how I like my betting: off track

You just made a million Pagliaccis

A “Wikipedia wrapped” and it’s just how many times you went to the page for the Venus of Dolní Věstonice to jerk off

Guard 1: Greetings adventurers, before you may enter the castle you must solve our riddle, but be warned, one of us only tells the truth… Guard 2 in a Ray Romano voice: And one of talks in a Ray Romano voice!! Ahhh!! Debrahhhh!!!

I saw the finale of stranger things and at the end they finally rescue will or whoever from the upside down and defeat satan but then at the end Will trips and falls back into the upside down and they all look at the camera and say "here we go again!"

Billy Corgan after I keep him locked in my trunk for so long he loses his grasp on reality outside of my trunk: “The world is a spare tire”

Call me Head-mund Fitzgerald the way I’m making them gales come early

“Ok sure but why do you insist on calling it *proto*-indo-european?” - the second guy to show up for the Bronze Age

Coffee is like when you use your Alchemy skill to craft a healing potion. Energy drinks are like when you find a healing potion on a dead skeleton in a dungeon. It’s science.

photos with identical vibes

If your pet got ahold of the remote what show would they put on? (Assume they understand how it functions and can find the show and stuff)

I knew my wife was the one when we were in the car driving to a haunted house on our fourth date and she recited from memory the entire “mother mother fuck” rap from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

As much as I don’t care for the concept of “ignorance is bliss” I gotta say I really enjoyed not knowing what a ‘groyper’ was

Ok but what if I wanted to sneeze on this hot bar?

Pronounce “aurora” like you’re a happy play-fighting medium-sized cattle-dog mix.

My dog loves bologna, not sure how he feels about malarkey or balderdash though.

Pronounce “luncheon” like it’s an evolution of Eevee.

Fact: the foreskin is God’s faraday cage

“All you need is bruv” - the beatles if they were british

Computer gaming as a whole just feels so inaccessible when games have unreasonably high system requirements such as this. Who can even run this??

As an M. Path I can tell that the day I graced your village was the most important day of your life.

Remake the movie Holes but recast all the humans as dogs so they’re pretty content with the situation

My Fantastic Four

mk9 peanuts

Conducted some research this afternoon, turns out a PB&J is still a damn good sandwich

Marker of a great restaurant: two staff members are behind the restaurant smoking cigarettes and arguing in a language I don’t understand.

Jubilee: The Video Game

Shocked to hear that Ozzy Osborne was still alive

*giant metal bell falls onto the villain, crushing him just before he can enact his plan* Zack Morris: Looks like we were… saved by the bell! AC Slater: Wait, say that again?

Salmon recipe calls for me to brine the fish? I’m pretty sure that already happened across the span of the fish’s life.

One of the early episodes of Raising Hope revolves around a father putting together cockamamie schemes to trick his 20 year old son into giving him better hugs, and it feels wildly sweet even compared to most positive father-son relationships we see on TV these days.

The End of Evangelion Episode 25' Air Love is Destructive

The Astronomer CEO and his HR chief were at the Coldplay concert making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!

The CEO cheating on his wife at a Coldplay concert thing is just a good old fashioned fun controversy. No secret cabal of perverts, no fascist takeover of the United States. It’s not world ending, just a shitty dude did a shitty thing and it’s funny to make fun of it.

It’s import to get to the root of these issues and how they invoke the reactions that perpetuate the cycle of violence: why was the chicken crossing the road in the first place?

Baby corn implies the existence of other baby vegetables, such as baby tomatoes, baby carrots, and baby spinach

greetings i have made another zine, this is about how i got my hands on a knife at age ~9 (individual pages in the replies) #internationalzinemonth #minizinejuly2025

Just finished My Name is Earl. Not perfect, I think the prison arc could have been longer and the coma arc shouldn’t have existed, but still a wonderful show.

Lethal Weapon but Murtaugh is being groomed by a twitch streamer: “haha you’re so funny, but i actually think you’re the perfect age for this shit”

Lethal Weapon but Murtaugh has the Benjamin Button disease: “I’m getting too young for this shit!”

One time my friend (who was tending bar at the time) asked me to kill a big spider on their car door, and in return they gave me a free beer. Am I allowed to put “Adventurer” on my résumé?

Maybe the real Embassy Mission was the friends we Rescued along the way.

None of us can escape the cycle of violence.

I’ll bet it’s like a “running through rain” type situation where if you drive extra fast through a school zone you’re even less likely to hit a kid